To think I can’t carry on being Lady Bountiful forever

[MrsMagicMoneyTree]

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

these family members are shameless grifters. not a penny more. they think you are mugs.

So they owe you £7000 plus however much the moped costed you? Frankly your husband should be paying you back for that, it was his decision to give them your money - if they can’t uphold the repayment terms then it doesn’t mean you should be out of pocket. Instead he’s entertaining their further requests for money and letting them be rude to you in return.

To me, it’s obvious he’s told them about how much money you have.

I have been thinking about this and I wonder if there is more than they are saying.

To go from "needing some to see us through" to selling a Devon holiday home (so ££££) is a big leap. I wonder if the debts that they have undoubtedly racked up elsewhere are finally being called in so the £10k was to pay off a credit card or similar.

And 10k is a lot for a slow period in the business, especially if she earns decent money...... that not food shopping for a couple of months or paying the gas bill kind of money is it?

@PyongyangKipperbang yes, that had crossed my mind. They are a bit what my late mother would call “all fur coat and no drawers.” So designer bags, a couple of flash motor bikes. As I said DSIL earns at least what I do, so I didn’t really think much of their lifestyle choices, and apart from DNiece (who is DBIL’s DD, DSIL doesn’t have kids) they don’t seem to have any big outgoings.

Think @PyongyangKipperbang is on to something. Are they hugely overspending on lifestyle stuff and actually struggling living beyond their means?

Either way, you should not be funding mopeds and whatever else.

Further musing....

Could this work?

You agree to lend them £10k on the understanding that the £10k and the other amounts you "loaned" are paid back on the sale of the cottage, with a charge placed on the property by your solicitor so that you must be paid before they get their sale proceeds?

That way you get ALL of your money back.

This of course is based on the assumption that they cottage isnt a) mortgaged up to the hilt (unlikely) and b) in negative equity.

And if they don’t sell the cottage?

Dont give these people any money, they will never pay a penny back.

Or... the OP doesn't lend them any more but investigates the possibility or pursuing repayment in the debts already outstanding through the small claims court, with a charge against the holiday cottage.

Like I said, was just musing, but the yes if they have been this manipulative so far then the likelihood of them actually selling the cottage if the OP gives them another £10k shrinks somewhat.

But I agree that persuing the outstanding debt is a good idea. I mean they already hate her guts so what has she got to lose?

my name is mud rather than his because they know it is my money and I’ve turned off the tap
So what, they are all front & shallower than a puddle, no integrity, no shame. Their opinion aint worth sh1t on your shoe!
Lol at them attempting to gaslight you into believing they have been wronged by you.
I'd be getting so much mileage out of this if anyone tried it with me.

But I agree that persuing the outstanding debt is a good idea. I mean they already hate her guts so what has she got to lose?
@PyongyangKipperbang
Absolutely! Dont get hung for a lamb, dont even settle for a sheep, make it the whole damn flock😈

I’d be telling the lot of them to pi55 off!!
How bloody dare they slag you off after they’ve sponged off you for years… you’re not responsible for fiunding their child’s moped!
personally I think you’ve been more than generous and the fact they don’t pay you back is enough to say no! Tell BIL you’ll only help him again financially after he’s paid you back ALL the other money you leant!!

God it’s hard to believe people like this exist …. Like someone above said… they’re not worth shit on your shoe and I’m pleased you and DH have told them NO! The niece is clearly a spoilt brat to expect everyone else to find her transport and then slag you off for ‘only’ paying half…. Why does she believe you should pay for it??…. She’s not even your blood niece ! They’re all a disgrace and ungrateful bastards too! Goodness if my inlaws gave me any money at all I’d be forever grateful…. And I’d pay it back, even if all I could afford was a tenner a week I’d pay it back!!

They wouldn’t have had the first loan (they didn’t pay back) off me so I think you have been ridiculously generous to be fair. They are taking the mick and they know it. They will bleed you dry given half a chance. Who asks for £10k to help them get by?!?!? That’s either a new car or a bloody expensive holiday. They are a load of disgusting scavengers, say no, stick to no and don’t give them a penny in the future. They are grown adults for god’s sake. If they couldn’t afford the moped then neice should have been on the bus or train! Unbelievable!!!

I mused on this last night. Years ago I won a fair amount in the courts for an employment issue. I treated my husband's family and mine. Only his brothers wife kept coming back for more. Ditto a friend of mine that's circling now. She's had so much out of me and always expects to ride on my coat tails.
I've worked 75 hour weeks for thirty plus years, nobody I know would do that. They all want the big high paying jobs but they won't do the hours or study. 'I was never as lucky as you, blah blah'. You get luckier the harder you work.
I have taken to hiding my purchases and live in a good sized house but nothing flash. I lost a dear brother last year and he and I had a magic £1000 that we'd lend each other. We were both self employed. My other family would have let me be repossessed rather than help all those years ago. That I have not forgotten.
One friend even asked who I was leaving my handbags to last year when I was so ill. People are selfish and greedy these days.
I had some good advice last week about telling nosy people to contact my accountant for information. I've yet to try it but I will.
If you have a fair wack I'd consider gifting your own DC money for property then it's done. I'm doing this and hope to live 7 years for IHT reasons.
It's surprising how many cars fail their mot when a wealthy relative has money.
Moped indeed.

I would be asking them for money. Say you’re in a tight spot. Surely family help goes both ways if that’s how they feel ?
but no in reality of course not. But I would never have given them anything to start with. I would never give them a penny in future. If they decide to not be a part of your life moving forward I’d be delighted to see the back of them. Kick them to the kerb and if your husband is likely to give them money then move your money to a separate account he can’t access.

Stop being a money tree. Say you are offended that they treat you like an endless free cash machine.
They know they are being cheeky Cf.

Jesus, OP.

My brother earns around 100k. I earn just over a third of that. I'm a single parent. I've ever asked him for a penny and I wouldn't.

It's not normal to be a cash cow for your siblings, no.

I would give them a list of all the money they owe you. And then say once that's paid back you can consider another loan.

That's crazy that you've given that kind of money to a sibling (or in your case in-laws) without being paid back. I'd get it if it was your child you'd given it to and they really needed it, but I could never imagine giving/asking for that money multiple times between me and my siblings or DP's siblings. We just wouldn't do it. Maybe if they were in real need once, but the amounts you're talking about and their situation, which is far from destitute is just madness. You're absolutely right to say no more.

@MrsMagicMoneyTree Speak to a solicitor about setting up a family trust. Your money will be protected as it can't be accessed without permission if the trustees. When your children decide to buy a property, they 'borrow' the. money from the trust. If they sell the trust is paid back and they borrow again. It should also protect them in the event of a relationship breakup. And yes, your BIL and SIL are cheeky fuckers. Your niece - well monkey see monkey do. Do you have written evidence of the loans. I'd be tempted to see if I could put a charge against the holiday cottage. But then I'm petty and small 😂

Never lend more money before you get the previous debt back.
When you gave away 7k, they knew ypu were a soft touch.

It's not a coincidence the amounts keep increasing.

Silence is golden OP, ignore and carry on focusing on your own family.

2 words - cheeky bastards!

Never give them another penny and ask them for the money they owe you. Who do they think they are?

Don't go through your husband. Message both DBIL & DSIL saying that YOU will not be using any of YOUR inheritance to subsidise their lifestyle. If they had of repaid what they've already been LOAN then you may have considered a further loan to help them out but as they haven't then no further funds will be sent to them. Also remind your Niece that her parents haven't helped fund anything for your DC & that you didn't have to help with any of her moped costs.
Let them all know that from now on you will be looking out for your DC therefore not to ask you or your DH for any further handouts. If it means you don't hear from them again thank your lucky stars & know they only see you as a cash cow & not family they care for.

I’d turn the tables and ask them for a ‘loan’ for the amount they have so called “borrowed” from you so far! Then refuse to pay it back, not that I think you would have a chance of any of that ungrateful lot even loaning you a penny. Don’t give them another penny! Or a second thought of what they think of you as their true colours are what you are seeing now!