Lovely ladies help - I’m almost 44, should I try for baby? Help!

[SunnyWavess]

Oldest is 17 now
Youngest 12 now

DC will always have a home and a bedroom each with me. Forever!

I got pregnant 1st time with both kids and 4th month but had miscarriage. I’ve not wanted to get pregnant again and prevented it, but as I’m getting older I want to try one last time.

We’re very secure financially and can afford a 3rd child. DC17 and 12 would love it. They have a bedroom each and we save about £1,500 per month after all bills and food etc…

I may not get pregnant but I didn’t start my periods until I was 16 so I’m hoping at 16 when I started, it gave me a few years for my good eggs!!!

Having come out the other end with a late teen and one that’s early 20s I can say that I would categorically not have wanted to go through those years also caring for a newborn or toddler. It’s full of nights staying awake and wondering if they are safe, picking them up late at night, getting distressing calls at any time because of some drama that is hugely important to them, dealing with their anxiety, school stuff. It’s a lot of worry and you haven’t really got to the worse of it yet nor do you know what’s coming. People think that when the kids get older your involvement will decrease, it doesn’t, it’s just less noticeable.

Yes but the older the man the more likely you are to miscarry.

I wouldn’t.

It wouldn't be for me OP.
I have really enjoyed the development of adult relationships with my chidren- now young adults.
I have done a lot with them in those adolescent/young adult years- and it has been precious.
We have and still have spontaneous meals out in the evening, last minute trips to sunny places where we do exactly as we want without having a small child around,
Having that space and uninterrupted time with them is wonderful.
I have also enjoyed having more time to focus on my needs and wants- I started to practice yoga seriously, started a small business, and devoted time to hobbies and friends.

I'm 43 and also have 2 teenagers, my youngest is nearly 15. No way I want another baby at this point in my life. I'm kind of having my 2nd youth right now!

Might be different if I didn't already have them and was going to have my first now, but I just can't imagine going back to the beginning and doing it all again. There is also the higher chance of pregnancy complications to consider.

And I am less patient as I get older, and less willing to sacrifice myself. The thought of going and sitting in music group with a bunch of mums and small children like I happily did once -- just no. I love having kids old enough that we are just doing adult stuff with them. A baby would change and restrict everything now.

Would you consider fostering? If you feel the need to care for someone. If you have the finances, older children, time in the current sense but not as much in the long term sense.
Might be worth a thought.

you need to be prepared to not get pregnant and all the stress, disappointment you & mainly you're husband will feel if you dont get pregnant ( that may open a can of worms)

I was pregnant at 30 and 38 and my god the difference was HUGE my last pregnancy nearly finished me off, it was hell! My body was in agony every day.

That being g said you may breeze it, you will never regrett having another child.

I haven't read the full thread but will your eldest be doing A Levels soon? If so, I think it would be horrendously unfair on them to bring a screaming baby into the mix. I can't imagine trying to study and being constantly woken up and sleep deprived because my mother decided she wanted a new baby at such an inconvenient time. They could end up resenting you and the baby. I would put your existing children first.

I wouldn't advise creating a new human because it's nice to hold a newborn.

You're too old. If he wanted a baby he should have thought about that 5+ years ago.

I’m always really happy to hear of so many successful pregnancies for mums in their early to mid 40’s.
I got pregnant at 42 but sadly miscarried at 10 weeks. I tried again but it just didn’t happen.
I already had older children and wish I’d just been happy with what I had as the miscarriage caused depression for a while.

But op, if it’s what you want then by all means go for it.
All the best.,

We have three. 9, 3 and 1 year. I was 40 when I had our last. I've always been young for my age, worked out, healthy. No issues during pregnancy, although your monitored more.

However, I've never been so tired in my life 😂, we also both work full time.

We love our family and wouldn't change a thing but it's tough. I haven't slept properly in four years. I have little to no time for self care. Being honest we don't have any family support, I think that would make a huge difference if you have that.

Everyone's situation is different, so depends whats most important to you. ❤️ Go with what's right for you.

I think once you get to a certain age the longing is there because deep down you know it’s your last chance, we look back with rose tinted glasses about how lovely it is to have a newborn but do forget the hard work (and how much harder it will feel at a more mature age)
but saying that I think if you are fit and healthy then go for it

It's not a baby when you are a 44/45 that's tricky...it's a teenager when you are 60!

My parents were in their 40s when I was born. They both died by the time I was 25. That was very unlucky - they died young - but the statistical likelihood of dying in a given decade increases quite significantly from age 50.

Maternal and paternal age also risk factors for various neurodevelopmental disorders.

Not in a million years. I adore my DH and we agree if we had met 10 years earlier we would have had a baby but we didn't and I'm now 44 with a 16yo and wouldn't try for a baby for anything. You talk about holding a newborn which is lovely but you're not having a baby you're having a person to raise for 18+ years (maybe forever if they have a disability which is an increased risk given both your ages) and even if they do move out bang on 18 that leaves you being mid 60s! Why would you do that to yourself? The next 20 years are your remaining 'youthful' years before age starts to impact you. Enjoy them as adults together, not parents.

This - I was a very young 42 - I feel like a very old 55,with a 13 year old. I also feel guilty.

will your eldest be doing A Levels soon? If so, I think it would be horrendously unfair on them to bring a screaming baby into the mix. I can't imagine trying to study and being constantly woken up and sleep deprived because my mother decided she wanted a new baby at such an inconvenient time. They could end up resenting you and the baby. I would put your existing children first.

This!

You’ve got two healthy children, that is enough. Of course they say they will be excited for you because a) they don’t really think it will happen, b) can’t really envisage the reality.

In addition the 17 will probably be off to uni soon and the youngest will be out with their mates all the time.

Don’t tempt fate. I know someone who went for a third and the last child was born with significant SEN. She loves him but her whole life trajectory has changed. It also impacts the older children.

Talking of elderly parents, are you likely to be needed to support your own or DH's parents in the next 15 years or so? This could also be a demand on your time and energy.

The bit that struck me as odd was the bit about your children always having a home and a bedroom with you. Combined with the fact you've been with your partner for 9 years but haven't wanted to do this sooner.

I'm wondering how much of this has been sparked possibly unconsciously, by your 17 year old maybe talking about university/moving out etc?

OP I strongly believe if you are not too old to get pregnant then you are not too old to have a baby! Try, and see how it goes!

Your age isn't really an issue from a social/ ethical perspective, especially because your child will have two older siblings who it sounds like will adore them - they will always have a support network there.

I was an older mum in my 40’s too. It didn’t break me/tire me out etc. any more than when younger. If you want it, go for it. It can keep you young I think. I looked at similar aged women with older children and perceived them as being much older. If you’re fit, go for it. It might take longer to conceive. It might not. Good luck.

I have four children. I desperately wanted a fifth when I was 42. 2 years later it was like a switch just flipped and I had absolutely no energy at all. Now I'm 48 and menopause has been / is so hard. I would've really struggled with another young child in the mix (youngest is currently 9.). You may well be different, but just saying when menopause hits all your feelings change very fast.

if you have the health, energy and finance then let nature take its course, if it’s meant, it will happen!

Just do it!!

You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't. I can see by your message ls you obviously want to. Life is for living and it sounds like you also can afford to give this baby a beautiful life.