Lovely ladies help - I’m almost 44, should I try for baby? Help!

[SunnyWavess]

Oldest is 17 now
Youngest 12 now

DC will always have a home and a bedroom each with me. Forever!

I got pregnant 1st time with both kids and 4th month but had miscarriage. I’ve not wanted to get pregnant again and prevented it, but as I’m getting older I want to try one last time.

We’re very secure financially and can afford a 3rd child. DC17 and 12 would love it. They have a bedroom each and we save about £1,500 per month after all bills and food etc…

I may not get pregnant but I didn’t start my periods until I was 16 so I’m hoping at 16 when I started, it gave me a few years for my good eggs!!!

At 44 with two much older children no I wouldn't.

No I wouldn’t. I’m 48 and am seeing how my friends and I are ageing the second half of our forties. Perimenopause and menopause have hit a lot of us. Mind you we are also dealing with neurodiverse children, teens, ageing parents and a lot of marriages breaking down. This is of course anecdotal and plenty of women will do fine.

I really would not be wanting to deal with baby and toddler at this stage and a teen in your 60s. plus the risks of pregnancy in your 40s.

And what if the baby is born with disabilities? Or OP ends up with twins?

Both vastly more likely as you get older.

Just saw the message talking of SEN at older age I did have CVS testing at 9 weeks to ensure nothing genetically wrong.

This would be a hard no from me.
I absolutely would not want to return to the hard slog of the baby years.
Also I would fear for any disabilities that could occur which could heavily impact on your entire family.

But this is your decision. My neighbour had a baby at 48 (after trying for over a decade). She's entering menopause with a 3 year old, she still loves it. I just know I wouldn't.

Ultimately it’s up to you, but I do think it is something you really need to sit & think about.

I had all my babies young so I can’t comment for myself personally but my cousin was born to older parents due to fertility issues & I have 2 friends who also have older parents. I remember going through secondary school & if for any reason like parents evenings ect our parents had to come in, my friends parents always looked really out of place & looked more like grand parents & would unfortunately be on the receiving end of jokes from other children. Not sure if that ever happened to my cousin though, not a massive deal, but one too consider as children can be nasty at the best of times.

The most bothersome to me & for me it is a 3/3 situation is that all 3 of them have lost at least 1 parenr. My uncle passed away just as my cousin was due to start uni, my friends mum also passed away when she was about 18/19, her dad then mentally didn’t take the mothers death very well & she ended up having to bring up her younger sister all whilst trying to hold down a job, grieving ect. & the 3rd her dad passed away but we were no longer in contact anymore so I am not sure how old she was but was something I heard through the grapevine. Even if you were to cope through all the baby/toddler stages, I think this is something that would play on my mind.

My parents were 40 when they had my younger brother, there's a 14 year age gap between my youngest and eldest brothers.

Age never stopped them, in fact they did everything and more that a younger parent would do with their child. The benefit was he also had 3 older siblings who could look after him and look out for him. We're a close family and he made our family complete.

My younger brother is just shy of 40 now and it's only now my parents (at almost 80) are beginning to show their age.

Nobody on here can answer this question for you.

It's for you and your family to decide. If you feel it's right, go for it!

I had these feelings in my mid 40's, i didn't act on them, I think it's our body reminding us time is up.

Your children are pretty independent, do you really want to go back? My youngest turned 18 when I was 45, life is so much more fun nowadays

Go for it. I think kids keep you young. Why not have a little extra joy?

Remember historically women have had children for as long as they've had periods. We're talking kids over a 20 year period if they were well.

My great grandmother had a brother that died in WW2 and one that died in the Falklands. She herself had children after my granny stopped having kids (my granny was contraceptive using catholic).

And I don't have dc with my dp, we have a fun life though

So its taken nine years for him to realise he wants to be a parent. Or he knows its what you want, so he’s waited until now as he knows your chances of becoming pregnant are much slimmer, so he can pretend he wants what you want while knowing he will unlikely have to deal with actually becoming a parent.

You are 44 now, so realistically 45/46 before a baby would be born assuming you get lucky and don't have multiple mc.
No chance I would even entertain the thought to be honest, at 45 my kids will be 22 & 18 and I can start slowly doing the things I want to do with my life, do you have nothing you would like to do? Have you thought about life independently of being a mother?
Also a word of caution, my friend had a baby at 40 'for her partner' they split when the baby was a toddler and he has very little to do with her! Just keep in the back of your mind that your husband is still of an age to run off into the sunset with a woman in her 30's and have children with her if he fancies it, don't be left literally holding the baby for him!

Every single person you ask is going to say something different OP.

As you've seen already you are either going to get 'OMG, absolutely not, no chance, you crazy!' and 'absolutely, go for it!' with various personal or I know someone examples thrown in.

You're in a great financial position so that's a big tick. You know what your and DH's health is like (and as I am sure you know, it can change quick) but as long as you both think you can handle it and are prepared then do what you want to do.

Maybe you will try and it won't work, maybe it will. Nobody else will regret the decision you make either way, only you will.

Look deep inside and ask yourself if you're scared he'll leave. If that's the real reason then definitely no. Never do anything just to please a man.
I agree with others it's your hormones talking. Plus having a teen in your 60s will be hard.

You might have gdcs in a few years?

Youthful?
Maybe for some, my life health wise, never been good since a bad menopause at 45, too many years, awful hormonal depression at 57, took too long to get sorted, at 60 diagnosed Parkinson’s , had it 7 years in.
There have been some good bits, I had hoped for better health.
Life is full of the unexpected

I agree this seems odd?

I'm mid 40's and a few years ago i also had the mad-life-crisis idea of having another. So glad I didn't as I'm perimenopausal now and the mere thought of having a young child to look after on my bad days makes me slightly nauseous.

your DH is being very unfair putting this idea out there. Can't you just tell it won't affect him that much eh? Selfish arse.

It’s not necessarily true that you will always regret it if you don’t go ahead and have this baby. Through my late 30s-early 40s I was desperate for another baby. By 41 I had a complete change of heart and couldn’t think of anything worse. I’m now 45 and am so grateful I didn’t go ahead and had another baby. I have completely lost interest and I am so relieved that my kids are now grown and mostly independent. It’s just hormones, most women go through this stage, luckily not everyone acts on it.

I could never have a baby in my 40s, with all associated risks, to give a man the experience of ‘adoring’ a child. It would be too late.

Why hasn’t it come up before if you’ve been together since 35 and 32?

I'm nearly 44 too, my DP and I have been together ten years, adult DC from previous marriages. I know we would make wonderful parents together (bad experiences first time round), but I wouldn't try for a baby now in a million years. We will get a puppy.

But I'm not you, and you're not me. So it's up to you.

I had my 3rd when the kids were 13 and 10.
I was 42. It was 8 years ago. It’s been brilliant for all of us. One of the best choices we ever made.

“DC17 and 12 would love it.” I really think the idea and the reality would be very different. They would get such a limited amount of your time, if you had a newborn. You have to consider the scenario if you had a child with disabilities which is far more likely. Or managing the emotional pain of a miscarriage. And your age when the potential child would be an adult. If your DH really wanted a child of his own, why has it taken this long to be on the table? Surely he knows the realities of fertility and age.

The question to ask yourself is whether you would wish to raise a third child as a single parent if your DH decides to have a mid-life crisis and go off with someone else. (Happened to a friend in similar circumstances to yours.)

Just do it!! You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't.

She might regret it if she does, especially if the child has extra needs.

There is always a significant number of obsessively broody posters on threads like this who think "Aww, a baby" and romanticise about the idea without really thinking through the implications.

I'm more risk averse and cannot get my head around the idea that having a baby at any cost is a good idea.

@SunnyWavess I would quit while you're ahead.