Lovely ladies help - I’m almost 44, should I try for baby? Help!

[SunnyWavess]

Oldest is 17 now
Youngest 12 now

DC will always have a home and a bedroom each with me. Forever!

I got pregnant 1st time with both kids and 4th month but had miscarriage. I’ve not wanted to get pregnant again and prevented it, but as I’m getting older I want to try one last time.

We’re very secure financially and can afford a 3rd child. DC17 and 12 would love it. They have a bedroom each and we save about £1,500 per month after all bills and food etc…

I may not get pregnant but I didn’t start my periods until I was 16 so I’m hoping at 16 when I started, it gave me a few years for my good eggs!!!

Someone said above they’re not stressed traumatised etc etc and that’s great for them but at our age most of the conversations I’m having with friends are about perimenopause and how achy/ hormonal/ tired they are.

If it was your first I’d say go for it but your third is not going to be like you remember your first being. Add in the risks which are substantial (I know very few people who had babies older in life that hadn’t sn children). And your children could go either way, a new baby crying in the house- there’s a huge chance they’ll be indifferent to the new baby, saying that they might love him/ her. You sound too over enthusiastic tbh op, sit down and think about it and best of luck whatever way you go

I am one of three, born to older parents (for the time) with wide age gaps and really wouldn’t recommend it. Youngest sibling was born at 40.

It was very difficult for them to give full attention to all of us as we were at such different stages. They had one DC learning to read at the same time as another was looking at universities! There were definitely times when one of us had our needs overlooked because another child was at a crucial stage.

I also noticed that they seemed worn-out with parenting by the time they were in their fifties - but they still had another decade to go!

What about supporting your older DC to fly the nest or your younger DC with their schoolwork? What about university costs? Your monthly savings won’t touch the sides of both childcare costs and the expected parental contribution.

What about retirement? A new child would not be financially independent until you are well into your sixties. You could find yourself working until right up to state pension age. Oh and what happens if you or your partner lose your job? The job market has changed quite a bit since Covid and ageism happens…

No way, José.

I was told that your hormones do a ‘last fling’ hence why more multiples later on, and more risks of disability, eggs and sperm older.

Wow so many ageist comments- never aimed at men.

That's because only women can become pregnant. The impact of pregnancy on your body does increase as you get older, however fit and healthy you are. Your body is still older than it was at 24.

It's biology not ageism.

OP, my concerns would be the following

• you want to experience the 'newborn scrunch' but this only lasts for a few weeks.

• your partner doesn't have his own children but he's been with you since your youngest was 3. I wouldn't have baby to provide a man with the baby experience nor his own genetic child. I also wonder why this hasn't come up sooner.

• the increased risk of disabilities. Presumably your children are both healthy. I wouldn't risk it because it could change the whole dynamics of your family.

• I'd want to be there fully to support my existing childen through the next life stages. Of course your children would love it. Babies are cute and you wonder how they'll turn out, what their voice will sound like, what their personality will be like but a baby wouldn't be their responsibility and you could find they both leave home at 18 for university and you're left with a single child at home at 9 in your 50s.

• I wouldn't want to go through the whole schooling, restrictions of school/term dates for holidays etc again.

• do you not want to enjoy the freedom of not having young children in your 50s? Mine are young adults now, and I have my life back in my late 40s. I wouldn't give that up for anything.

That said, my dad was born to a 44 year old mother (her first) in 1950 without complications so it does and can happen but I wouldn't be starting again at that age. I think it's a bit different if it's your first but it just feels like a huge gamble to me where the stakes are high.

I know it’s cheeky, if your man wanted kids why have you waited?
Biologically that makes sense, I don’t know the the reasons why, it’s different for him, he doesn’t have to endear pregnancy.

Another one asking why you have both waited nearly a decade, with your fertility rapidly declining 🤔
Is there more to this OP?

Absolute no from me!

I’m 54 with an (almost) 18 year old. The teen years have been exceptionally difficult. The thought of doing all of that with a baby/toddler PLUS menopause! Nope!

Look forward to the grandkids in 10 years time instead.

I wouldn't. The risk of additional needs and health problems is much higher for children of older mums, and I wouldn't have the energy to meet their needs plus those of my existing children.

Op, go for it if that's what you want. Not quite the same, as I was in my late thirties, but I came on mumsnet a few years ago asking should I Tey for a third child. The overwhelming response was not to, for many reasons, including the fact I was 38. I went ahead anyway, and there isn't a day I regret having baby number 3!

I would just try but accept that it may not happen due to your age.

I think you’d really need to want to otherwise it might lead to resentment in your relationship. If you are doing it for him then I wouldn’t.

I’m separated and have made it very clear to anyone I’ve dated that more DC is not something I would ever want. It sounds like you are open to the idea so it’s obviously your choice that no one else can decide. I’m sure you’ve thought all the pros and cons of having a child older.

Totally up to you. But I personally could not imagine anything worse than starting over at 44, when your current children are at an independent age and you have freedom to look forward to in your 50s. That's just how I feel though!

I’d factor in hitting menopause as your kid reaches their tweens / teens, a pretty explosive combination!

I was 38 when we had DS (only child) and it can be weird being the oldest mum at school etc. DH is older than me and with hindsight I’d have thought much harder about being older parents and some of the potential challenge that comes with it

Way too old imo.

As someone whose parents decided to go for a late baby when they were a teenager I would urge you to think very carefully about it. I understand you want your husband to experience parenthood, but it a it worth the relationship with your other children being affected or your health?

my own DM was very ill after Dsis and this also took a huge tole on her mental health and her ability to parent teens alongside a baby. Everything centred around the baby. She didn’t have the energy for us at all and it badly affected our relationship. I was left pretty much completely left to my own devises and this hugely affected my attainment at school. Now, you’re financially secure which will take things easier. My dad was working two jobs to try and make ends meet, so a bit of a different situation as he wasn’t around for support.

the longed for baby didn’t have a very easy time either as she grew up. Though she was doted on they just didn’t have the energy to parent her in the way she would have wanted and she felt like she really missed out having older parents. But that’s not to say it will be that way for you.

On the flip side my sister in law had her youngest at 45 and so far, 3 years on, all is well. A different situation though as she only had her first at 40, he has Down syndrome and they weren’t sure they were going to have another due to her age. But they decided to go for it, took a while to happen but no issues.

My youngest sibling was born when the rest of us were in our teens. My parents were 47 (no fertility treatments).

The pros: we all adored her (as you believe yours will); it was much easier for my parents having her when they were financially secure rather than in their skint twenties when my dad was working long hours; it was also much easier having only one at a particular stage to meet her needs and give her the kind of attention she needed rather than the rest of us who were all close together in age.

The cons: with the rest of us my mum got pregnant easily whereas this time it took five years and at least a couple of miscarriages; there was a scan that suggested club foot which meant a higher risk of chromosomal abnormality which caused my mum some anxiety (baby was absolutely fine, scan was wrong).

My little sister is currently studying medicine at Oxbridge 😊(which information I’m only including to counter other anecdotes supplied).

From your posts it’s unclear this is what you really want and that’s what should drive the decision.

Have you considered bribing your 17yo to get pregnant? Then you can be the involved grandmother which will probably be a lot less hassle on the long run.

Accidentally double posted.

i think if you have to ask here
then no

unless you just want affirmation.

your choice!

Go for it!

OP, Are you sure DP really wants a baby? Are you sure you do? I mean I get it, sometimes I see babies and feel the urge of living that experience again. Then I think of pregnancy, sleep deprivation, the zombie tiredness, being the granny mum and no,no,no. No way.

If you both wanted thiS and you've been together 9 years then why now? If your DP has only just decided now at 41 that he wants a child I wouldn't be having one with him because that really doesn't show enough commitment. You have an increased risk of having a disabled child at your age, having a disabled child puts you at much higher risk of splitting up and ending up a single mum. You're potentially adding a baby/toddler, with sleeplessness and tantrums while dealing with teenagers, and going through menopause. You have no idea what kind of father he'd be, babies and toddlers are a whole different ballgame to being a DSD to someone else's older children. I'd have loved another child, but there's no way in hell I'd be putting myself through all of that mentally and physically.

Yuck. What a crass comment. Wanting to have one's own biological child is completely natural and there is absolutely nothing perverse about it.

My dad had me in his 40s.

Watching him die has been devastating.

My best friends all have younger parents, plus their parents are from families that typically live longer, so not only do they have parents, they have grandparents.

It's... hard. Don't just think of DP's face playing with a newborn. Think of the kid when he passes away.

It might be common to have kids in your 40s these days but I wouldn't recommend it.

I had my last baby at 41. He's now 5. My older children were 20, 18 and 14 at the time. I thought they'd be distressed or grossed out by their mum having another baby. However, I'd accidentally fallen pregnant 6 months prior and I'd got to the point of announcing the pregnancy before we lost the baby to a miscarriage.
The children had taken the news of the baby very well and were sad to find out it was not to be.
We left it for a few months before deciding that we would really like a baby.
We had a beautiful baby boy, the big kids adore him. He's a live wire and is always up to mischief. He is a bit precocious thanks to having too much big kid/adult attention. Toddlers and teens do harrass the crap out of each other so your teens will need door locks to safe guard their stuff.
The kids have all grown up now and the last big one has mostly moved out so it's just us and the small one left and he still sleeps crap.

Things to consider - do you have enough paid maternity leave to cover a good amout of time with your baby?
Do you have excellent savings/pension plan/superannuation to cover another period of part-time or reduced work?
What does your mortgage look like?
Do you have room in the house and car ?
What plans did you have for the next 15 + yrs because they will definitely change.
Your health?

While I had a problem free pregnancy, a lovely waterbirth and bub was healthy at 41. We did try for another child afterwards and I lost each one to miscarriage so while it was easy to fall pregnant none of them after 42 were viable. Fertility definitely drops off fast so if you want to try start now and don't get your hopes too high.