DP just invited four people to dinner tonight and assumed I'd cook

[Anthologist]

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

Doesn't matter if its rubbish, nobody will judge you, if they do, they won't come back! Just try to enjoy the evening. Or even pick up a takeaway.

If you can't deal with it, fake an invite to dinner at a friend's house. Turns out, you can be impromptu!!!!

I don’t get how a night at FF’s suddenly switched to yours when the GF was still around. Is it because they hosted two weeks ago?

Your DP is a wanker for doing this. He’s an even bigger wanker for leaving all the cleaning and cooking to you on other occasions.

Seriously, I’d go out.

Surely you had arranged to go out to the cinema with another friend as DP was going to be out, so sadly will not be involved at all.

Apply perfume to your hands. Write a note (that will become lightly perfurmed) to the Lovely Frenchwoman. Slip it into her hand as you embrace her and say goodnight on your way out the front door. Leave a bedroom window open, a ladder in the garden, and a side door unlocked. Instruct her to meet you at the crossroads when the church bell peals eight. Have a coach and four waiting, an extra cloak and a hat. Whisk her away and live happily ever after. Only the trace of her perfume (transferred to her hand from yours) will linger, then vanish, in the domestic air. A hopeless trail . The men will not notice till the beans have run their course.

Damn you @Okaygoahead — you're right. MN has done it again: assured me that my reaction isn't unreasonable but encouraged me to rise above in an adult fashion. I'm going to try and do it.

And yes, I'm very aware that some of the best experiences of my life have been totally impromptu and far from perfect on the details. And so, dammit, I'm going to have to try and have a good evening, aren't I? I hope it's not too good an evening though. DP would be unbearably smug if it was.

I salute you!

Merveilleux!

"since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza."

This really made me chortle

Is it just me that thinks the dinner sounds great? Maybe I have low standards haha.

if my partner invited guests round when I didn’t expect it it I wouldn’t cook, but I wouldn’t mjnd. And I really wouldn’t care if he cooked something terrible, if anything we’d laugh about it. Why would you be embarrassed??

And if my partner invited people round who i didn’t want to hang out with I’d feign a headache and go to bed and watch a film whilst eating food of choice.

All good options to me really.

Honestly the change of plans would throw me, but I'd be grumpy for about five mins then either join in or go out and tell DP he owes me a night to myself. He's cooking, so I don't see the problem.

Also you seem borderline obsessed with his friend's lovely posh French girlfriend, and like you don't like his friend much at all. Wondering what she sees in him?! How rude.

Your bigger issue is that your DP doesn't do any cooking or cleaning normally. Maybe lovely French gf is wondering what you see in HIM.

Did DP actually say he expected you to cook?

Go sit in the garden shed while the guest arrive.
Then arrive at the house after them. That way they will know you weren't home and you haven't cooked so you can then relax and enjoy the evening.

This

I don’t get how a night at FF’s suddenly switched to yours

Neither do I. But that's how FF's mind works. I'm surprised I'm surprised, really.

He and DP were going on a trip to the dump/ recycling centre the other week. OP left at 09.30 saying 'I'll be back for lunch and I'll bring bread and milk'. He returned at 16.10 with nothing, looking dazed. FF had faffed around for ages at his house, insisted on stopping at a cafe for a bacon sandwich, stopped off unexpectedly at a store to buy a radiator very slowly, started talking with a bloke at the dump who told him where he could pick up cheap timber for a fence, gone driving around looking for this source of cheap timber, not found it and insisted on going back to the dump to track down the man who'd told him about it. DP was stuck: it was FF's vehicle and FF was driving and calling all the shots. And still they are friends.

You should be on the writing team of the next Bridgeton series!

FF might faff but your DP is presumably an adult with a voice and free will? Why didn't he just say "sorry mate I said I'd be home for lunch"?

I was expecting a quiet evening on my own. I was actually planning to have a good old go at my feet and toenails. Instead of which, without consultation, I've got four people coming for dinner and all the palaver that involves. Our last guests left on Monday and I'm still in recovery mode. But if you don't see the problem that's fine. I'm taking it you don't share a home and decisions with someone else on a regular basis?

Definitely go out OP, tonight’s situation is outrageous - you are not running a hotel (but it sounds like your DP would like to …..). I am completely on your side

This this this!

@ScarletCamellia Tell me what to write in the note. Should it be 'Je t'adore, tonight we elope' or 'I need to tell you that I didn't cook tonight's dinner'?

And where do we go in this carriage? I have work on Monday.

@Anthologist I thought you would be in a/e with him by now!! 😂honestly I would have bloody killed my hubby for doing that!!

I don’t get how a night at FF’s suddenly switched to yours

Neither do I. But that's how FF's mind works. I'm surprised I'm surprised, really.

Well it seems that your OH either thinks the same or is OK with it/really wants to see his friend.

I can see why you are pissed off at not having an evening to yourself as you thought.

Not sure why you are embarrassed at what your OH is serving though.

Seems suitable for everyone to eat.

Hope it turns out well.

Same here!

I'd head off out. Cinema, theatre, talk at the library, pub with a book.

His own making, he can deal with it. And wash up afterwards!

The last time dh tried this with me I completely refused and he didn't speak to me for 9 days.
The time previously his cousin's called to say they were coming down in 20 minutes, I'd just done the school run and was getting ready to leave for work and he was not happy that I didn't hang around to cook them breakfast.

@shams05 was it really 9 days or is that a jokey exaggeration? If it was 9 days, surely you’re aware that’s not normal and actually abusive! Are you still with him?

My partner and I always respect each other enough to check that inviting people to dinner would suit each other, my partner knows and respects me enough to know that doing what your partner just did would send me over the edge, YANBU at all!!