DP just invited four people to dinner tonight and assumed I'd cook

[Anthologist]

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

Have you seen White Chicks? Get that big hang nail on the table just as dh serves his stew....
Seriously tell him you are looking forward to him hosting tonight and sit on your arse. How much hosting did he do for his own family? And tell the whole lot of cf you are charging Airbnb rates going forward..

I’ve got this book- I think it’s called “Stone Soup”.

Ah but what would the poor vegan do then?

I remember the jam slags thread! Hehehhe

I’m sure op has some ice cubes or something in the freezer her dh could serve.

DH needs to apologise for insulting you and for inviting 4 people for dinner over your loud objection. He should have told FF that he needed to have a think and he'd ring back in 15 minutes.

I would not be part of the dinner unless he delivers a heartfelt apology.

Otherwise: dh invited the guests. Dh will clean the loo - or not. He will cook. He will clean up. You do not need to get involved, and it will be only too obvious that you had nothing to do with the food. Because surely that's a normal topic of conversation - Did you make this? Nope, it was all dh.

Do you two have dc? If not, don't. This is a big red flag.

YANBU OP and as he says he’ll have guests in his home I would agree- yes, give the friends your new address once you’ve moved out.

We often have charcuterie style nights with friends - cheese, olives, houmus, bread, meats, wine and nice chocolates, can you send your husband out for that kind of thing?

£35 x 6 is not under £200... even without the drinks.

I need a photo of the peanut butter bean stew OP.

Just order an Indian? They're coming for the social event not your gourmet cooking...

I need about a year and a half's notice about hosting to be truly happy BUT I have also done the proverbial throw together a meal for six with whatever's in the cupboard - but for omnivores, not having to take into account a whole bunch of restrictions. Also, I have a French passport (albeit acquired as an adult), so feel qualified to comment on that aspect of the issue.

I get your annoyance; mostly I think you're worn out and just don't want to do another round of socialising. That's perfectly acceptable! Unfortunately the die is cast. But I do think it is possible to worry too much about what you produce at a dinner - it sounds pollyanna-ish, but it really is true that people remember the chat and the event far more than they do the food. (Unless the food is truly abysmal, I know we still discuss in my family a dire meal we had to ingest over a decade and a half ago. Sorry, that probably doesn't make you feel better.) I would just make it clear when they arrive, tra-la-la, that it's wonderful you could all have this impromptu get-together, DP has cleverly magicked something up out of what we had in the house - isn't he marvellous, throwing this together after we were more or less picked clean by relatives over the weekend? - and let's all have a glass of wine, shall we? Ze French amie will pick up on all the clues and will absolve you of any failings. She also probably has dealt with far stranger situations that FF has landed her in, so there's that. It's all a bit crap and far from ideal, but maybe just lean back and try to enjoy.

Why do people assume that everyone lives close to an Indian or a Chinese restaurant? 😂

This^^

I wouldn't want to hang around for awkward, potentially gross dinner with dp you've just had a blazing row with. Fuck that. Sounds like hell. Go out and stay out until he's dealt with it all

Can’t lie, I’d be fuming. And your dp wasn’t designated driver for HIS family lunch out? And doesn’t cook or clean? What does he do? Genuinely, I would choose a decent place to have dinner on my own, or get very drunk (got any booze in?) and slander his cooking.

A vegan, a Frenchwoman, a ND man and a tomato-phobe walked into a bar (sorry, house)…

All that’s missing is the guest with something genderish going on.

I would be doing nothing but taking myself out for dinner and a movie.

I'm agahst at the logic of FF coming to yours instead, wtf need, it's very rude.

If you do attend make sure you really compliment your husband "oh it's so kind of him to host you, I didn't have the time at short notice so he's done EVERYTHING"

Seems it's not just ff with a knob of gold.....

You're both being a bit unreasonable. It's DP's home too so he can invite whoever he wants over really but expecting you to cook or prepare is unreasonable.
I would have suggested all getting takeaway from somewhere with vegan options personally.
I think you're overreacting about the French girlfriend- if she's that critical of your home and cooking then she's very rude and you shouldn't care what she thinks anyway

Anthologist · Today
Definitely, yes. Best bet would be calling out a vet for an emergency hoof trim.

Perhaps the vet could checkover the Flakey Friend too? I hear those "beans" are pretty miserable too, if left too long.

He's cooking so either go out or stay and just let him get on with it. I wouldn't be thrilled but it's his house too and he is doing the work for the most part.

Exactly!
@Ilovemyshed I can't imagine having the 'best nights' with people who are uptight enough to need all that running around.

Granted, in this case maybe they are not, it's the OP being made self-conscious by the erm French GF.
And my home is generally clean, if not tidy. There's no need for me to run around putting out clean hand towels, cleaning the bog or whatever.'Freshen up' the cloakroom what on Earth.

When people come to my house unexpectedly - I presume they're here to see me! If it was a gourmet dinner they were wanting then they should have gone to a restaurant instead.

I see no issue with feeding them whatever I've got or freezer best. They're getting free food anyway.

p.s. People keep coming back - even after all of that so I guess I must be doing something right

I’m definitely not an extrovert. 😂 Yeah, I agree it would probably be mildly annoying if so last minute. I think I was just confused by the thread as from “he assumed that I’d cook” I was expecting something much more controlling. Maybe he put lots of pressure on her to cook before agreeing to do it himself though - I don’t know. 🤷🏻‍♀️ (If he did, then that’s awful and ridiculous). Assuming no awful controlling behaviour, I would definitely try to let it go and enjoy my evening. Life is short and friends and laughter are precious.