DP just invited four people to dinner tonight and assumed I'd cook

[Anthologist]

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

Someone needs to read Little Women.

Okay, they're gone. It turned out okay. Not exactly a night to remember, but the butter bean stew was fine once we'd added plenty of sriracha and got out the Indian pickles. I managed to find an elderly frozen cheesecake in the bottom drawer of the freezer so the four of us who weren't vegan had that and the vegan had kindly bought his own vegan chocolate pudding. The four of them played a game of Catan while I stayed out of the way and cleaned up.

FF is off his meds and a bit manic — not listening well, hijacking the conversation and yawning when other people were talking about things that were important to them. I understand now why DP struggled with the dump trip last week and why today DP said there was no point in arguing with FF one he'd made his mind up that he was coming. I also understand why the lovely French girlfriend decided to stay home alone. She must need a break.

To the people who've said I'm being an arsehole for mentioning his ADHD, it's one of the first things FF mentions when he meets anyone new — because he knows that sometimes his behaviour can be a bit challenging. If you know what's going on it's easier to understand and forgive what might in other circumstances seem like rude behaviour.

I'm guessing that it will take a few days for DP and I to sort things out. DP is triumphant that it went well, the food was okay and that my reaction was ridiculous. I'm still feeling badly stung that he didn't consult me or explain the situation fully before agreeing to it. I'm also smarting from being called inflexible and a fun sponge. He seems to get more extrovert and sociable as he gets older and would love to be socialising every evening. I'm going in the other direction and prefer quality of contact to quantity. I hope it's not going to trip us up. Feel a bit gloomy about it.

I think Hyasynth Bucket needs to take a chill pill.

Let the guy cook for his mates if he wants to. You don't even have to attend.

Thank you for finding it funny.

I'm glad it went OK. How old are you and how long have you been together? His behaviour sounds beey student like. I wouldn't like it at all.

The saga with the Frenchwoman and indeed dinner itself is reminding me of this SNL skit with forbidden love and pizza rolls. You should serve totinos

Ooh yes, so she did! I bet @Anthologist will find that Lovely French Girlfriend has perfectly pedicured pieds next time she sees her.

I salute you @Anthologist . This is a very funny thread and you have turned what was a very difficult situation into a triumph. As for the money on lunch and wine for DP's relatives, next time you can serve them butter bean stew and rice, making sure of course that DP has to cook it.

That's fab. Thank you.

Late 40s (me), 51 (DP). Together for nearly 15 years. I'm peri-menopausal, possibly menopausal — not as much energy or enthusiasm as I once had.

Bed now. Sleep well all.

Not only would I be super pissed off about not having the chance to plan anything, I’d also be annoyed at the short notice of what is now a dinner party coming over - but maybe that’s just me.. I like to have a little bit of a spruce up of the house before people come over (that aren’t very close family) and would feel uncomfortable if I hadn’t had the chance. But maybe that’s just me?

I’d be taking myself out for the night and enjoying my own company while DH runs around trying to pull it off. If I did want to stay and be a part of it I’d have ordered a take away.

I have noticed this with current DP (I say current as it could go either way right now) of 5 years, and his mates as they all hit the big 50. They are all trying to be 25 again. The level of excitement in the last 48 hours due the Oasis thing is depressing. They try to do an all nighter, are home by midnight and spend the next two days like zombies. But talk to each other about it like they had been to a proper 90's rave!

Reminds me of Paul Heaton still dressing and acting like a hard done to late 80's student, despite being 60. All a bit sad.....

ETA that I am older than DP by 4 years

This entirely and then invite FF and girlfriend around another time for a meal you have cooked.

Finland? I think?

Why the fuck didn’t you leave all the dishes in the sink, if the guests ask say airily oh no dp insisted he will do them, it was the trade off as I’d been planning an evening on my own! Then dp can see if he can maintain his smugness while doing all the washing up.

please take the next evening for yourself. And after that tell him he will be cleaning up next time!

You survived OP that's the main thing.

In the future who ever asks the guests cooks and cleans.

Well done op, you kept your sense of humour and suvived. Now tonight is your night to relax and do what you want!

OP, you sound so lovely, reasonable but very put upon.
Your partner sounds like a nasty bully who thinks it is ok to be really horrible to you when you say no to something.

You have just had guests and he thinks it is ok to have more without consultation.
He is deeply disrespectful of you, and his go to is to be nasty and belittling when you are being perfectly reasonable.

You continue to be upset because your gut is warning you and trying to protect you, that his behaviour was totally unacceptable.

Please don't brush this under the carpet and move on.

He was very wrong to speak to you like that and you should give some thought to how you want your future to be.
Do you want to be with someone who is so disrespectful of you.

Next up is all these visitors?
Fxxk that.
You are not running a guest house, though it does sounds like it.
Just because people want a weekendoff you doesn't mean they get it.
It is perfectly reasonable to say no it doesn't suit.
How much are all these guests costing you?
It is perfectly reasonable to say no, this has become too expensive.

I think you need to sit down and have a very firm chat with him about all these issues.
You are not a skivvy.
Your home is not a guest house.
You are not paying for guests to stay.
You are no longer doing so much cooking.
Ditto the cleaning.
If he speaks to you like that again, ie verbally abuses you like that, you will be rethinking the relationship.
Spell out to him that he owes you a huge apology and mean it.

I think as you are menopausal you are beginning to realise that your partner is not very kind or considerate of you, and you are less inclined to tolerate it.
It is a huge part of the menopause to reflect on the behaviour of those around you.

Lots of relationships and friendships end during this time.
Women firm up their boundaries and stop accepting the bullshit they have tolerated for far too long.
I think this could be your time to reflect!

You really should have left the clean up for him.
Stop behaving like a skivvy to such a disrespectful arsehole.

So yes if the expectation was I would cook you are not being unreasonable to be pd off.

but he's taken over so leave him to it.

You harping on about it now he's taken over is unreasonable tbh.

His mates GF if she doesn't like it won't eat it and will eat later.

Take chill pill.

When I read threads like this, I am reminded why I am single 😂

I would have been FUMING to have my quiet night in taken away, and would have fucked off to the nearest Premier Inn and left him to it.

I don't know about you being a fun sponge OP but there are a fair few on here 🙄

If my DH had pulled that move I'd have done him in with my bare hands so the fact that you kept this thread lightheaded is to be commended.

If I were you, I would not be doing any house cleaning, loo cleaning or preparation for this fun, impropmtu dinner party your DH has organised (inviting the 2nd couple to really piss you off)
I would be out for the day and the evening, about when they've finished the washing up.
DP cooks, you are not there, so no-one will think you've cooked a crap meal (although to me, that's the last thing you should be concerned about)

If I was invited round to someone's house for dinner and the host's wife/partner said this, I'd feel extremely uncomfortable and would leave.

@Anthologist My salary hasn't gone up in line with costs (like everyone else's, I know)

Apologies if I sound like I'm nitpicking here, but I noticed you didn't say "our salaries"... Please tell me DP has one too?!

You've just fabricated that without any foundation! OP went to her house and had a gourmet meal. They are now coming to OP's house for meal. OP is now anxious of living up to said guests' gourmet standards.

How in God's name has that reached any kind of "creepy" level for you!?

Weird...