I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

Do you actually like him? You have said that you decided to live together to save money. You don’t seem to want to interact with him, like watching a TV program together, you just expect him to sit in the corner looking at his phone. Is he a parent? I think the comment to DD was just his way of backing you up. I don’t see that either of you are getting anything out of this situation. You seem to want him to be a lodger but talk about him as a partner.

This is never going to work.

Pull the plug now, before he unpacks his stuff and marks his territory.

NB: I think moving a boyfriend in if you have teenagers rarely works.

Oh God I feel stressed on your behalf

He had to move out

It will never be a good or nice time to say this

So May as well tackle this head on

The relief you'll feel!

There is a thread running at the moment about a woman who didn’t know that moving a man in meant her kids would get a smaller loan for uni, because his income counts. Just though that should be mentioned as your children are heading for uni age. Do you both know that he will need to financially contribute as his income will be taken into account. You’ll have to top up (unless you’re a high earner) more than you’d have to top up without him there.

Yeah. I do. Well did. When he was at his old place, on nights off we did the hobby together online, we laughed and had fun. As i said, 20 years we been doing it. But hes stopped as soon as hes come here. I dont watch tv, he didnt either. His eves were soent the same way mine were. He had changed since coming here. Not me. I get this is outside of the norm, how we soend out evenings and free time, but its normal for us and the social circle we are in. It wasnt just us two, theres 10/12 people involved with a handful being on every night, so even when im at work, he was online with the others. But he has totally dropped it in favour of sitting doing nothing next to me whilst i try to continue the hobby and watch the YouTube vids ive always watched.

I get this is an alien way of spending time to most, but this is 20 years of normal to me, and to him.

Removed as not relevant after seeing your update.

I can’t see how just his PC stuff and one drawer for his clothes was going to work he must have more clothes than one drawer full.
I wouldn’t like him piping up when I was talking to my dc no need.
The mess absolutely fucking not.

Do you think maybe this is just an adjustment period? You’re very used to having your own space and having an extra person in it is going to feel very different. My mother felt similar when her partner moved in after living alone for a while following the death of her husband and he moved out for a while over it. His feelings were hurt but I think he understood and she learned to cope with him always being “there”.

Unpopular opinion here but I think you’re both in the wrong.

did you not think for him to book a week or two off work before committing to him moving so you could trial what living together would actually look like.

he’s given up everything to move for you and you’re annoyed at him because he wants to sit next to you (only the only available seat!)

he’s left his whole life behind and he has a right to have some of his furniture and stuff in the house to make it his home.

you either look at moving into a bigger place to accommodate for more people and space or you dump him which I think would be pretty shoddy of you.

yes he shouldn’t have got involved with disciplining your daughter but you’re all new to the blended family and he’s trying to learn his place and boundaries. Tell him clearly it’s not acceptable and move on.

Its a massive set of drawers not one drawer and a large gaming desk with storage and chair I rearranged my furniture for. The storage cupboard was less than half full and hes filled it plus 13 boxes in my living room. We have lived here for a decade so i have furniture. Stuff like a tv unit, mine matches all my other living room furniture, my bookcase, display shelves, coffee table, etc all match. Why bring an old battered tv unit knowing i already have one and after we had discussed what furniture was being brought?! Its that thats annoyed me. We had conversations about it, for 6 months before he came!

You keep mentioning he has changed since moving in, it’s only been a week! The poor fucker was probably excited to be living with you and getting to see you every evening. Maybe his online routine was because he had nothing else to do, or no one else he wanted to spend the evening with, and now he’d like to spend it with you.

It’s a stark difference between you both but I don’t understand the aversion to having a proper sit down chat to lay it all out, including the discipline thing with the kids. Moving in takes compromise on both ends.

No. Not the inly available seat. Theres a whole empty 3 seater sofa 90% of the time when my kids are in their spaces or at work

There is quite a lot to unpack here.

Firstly, where did you expect him to go at night? When it’s time to sleep? You’re angry that he is in your bedroom asleep overnight because you’re awake and want to sit in it? That’s not fair. What did you expect to happen with this?

If you’re on nights and want to keep that pattern then you have to deal with that and let him use the bedroom without using that against him. That’s a really unfair complaint.

The rest is more fair. But the gaming thing… for 20 years, you guys have spoken online at night when playing a game. But now you live together. Did you really think you could carry on with your face stuck in your laptop every night? You want to continue an online relationship whilst living in the same house as him… sorry but that’s really odd and unfair to him. You need to spend time with him, and give attention and put effort into the relationship. You can’t spend every night with your face stuck in a laptop and expect to only speak with him if he is upstairs and logged into the game.

It doesn’t sound at all like you actually want a relationship. Not a real one. Maybe stick to online gaming relationships.

Questions I'd have for him:-

1. Why was he so unnecessarily stern/heavy-handed with the comment to dd about drying her hair?
   1.1) What happened to the many discussions about him not parenting your kids? Did he just decide he knew better even though it's not what you want?
   1.2) Does he know he reduced DD to tears because it was so unnecessary and unexpected? Does he feel any regret?

2. When he made a mess in the kitchen and didn't clean up (and still hasn't?), did he see the dishes and think, 'oh, I need to get to that' or did he think, 'oh, she'll do that?' What about other chores - will he clean bathroom(s), hoover the stairs etc? Did he contribute to household tasks in previous relationships? What was his place like before he moved in with you, did he clean and do his dishes etc?

3. Why is he sitting next to you and not doing his own thing? Does he feel like he's not allowed to go and do his own thing? Is he waiting for permission? Can his computer etc be relocated downstairs so you can each do your own thing in the same room? Perhaps he feels awkward/rude about disappearing upstairs.

You went from 4 days a month to him
Moving in !!! That's was very silly OP.. you need at the least to have a very honest conversation

You wanted a housemate and he wants a partner. This isn't going to work! Mess and relationship with your teens aside.

It feels like you're not really in love with him, so you feel suffocated and need a lot of space, you notice all the annoying things and so on. Maybe have a think about pros and cons of having him in your life and whether you really want to be in a romantic relationship with him or maybe you'd be more suited to be friends.

You've both made a mistake. These things happen. You have a set way of living and he's invaded your space. He thought he'd have free rein at yours, but doesn't, as that wasn't the agreement.

Letting him move in with your DC living there, wasn't a good move.

I get you OP. I'm also someone who's not touchy feely and likes my own physical space in order to have mental space. I also need my own downtime to decompress after working. For you it's internet through headphones, for me it's music through same. I also cannot abide clutter and am something of a neat freak. The boxes would drive me spare.

Having said that, you have known this guy 20 years and he's only been there one week. Asking him to move out might be something the relationship doesn't come back from, so I wouldn't take action just yet.

First, sort out in your on head what living with him would look like in your ideal world. This might include him taking 50% of housework, you having your own private space/time to wind down, the boxes going etc.

Then give him notice that you need a couple of hours with him to talk abut what living together will look like as you're not happy with how it's going so far. Sit down and present to him your 'would likes' and your 'must haves'. He will doubtless have his own. Hopefully together you can reach a place where you are both happy. Give that 4 weeks to see how it works.

If it doesn't, he goes.

Ooh the telling your DD off… BIG no from me. DH (who is their dad) used to do this if I was dealing with either of our DS’s. He’d butt in not knowing what had happened to defend me!! Used to fuck me off no end.

1. I’m perfectly capable of sorting issues between DS and myself
2. I don’t need defending
3. Fuck off!! He doesn’t do it any more 😂

Just admit - to yourself and to him - that it's not working out.
You are probably both comfortable in your own ways of living and doing things and the change is just too much.

I think it sounds unlikely to get better with him living there.
I'm sure he will be able to sort out alternative arrangements for himself.
Don't leave it any longer - at least have a proper chat with him!

I know ive fucked up here. I know i shouldnt have agreed to him coming in hindsight. I thought the hobby would continue and i thought he knew me well enough having known me 20 years and 2.5 years together to understand that that is my escape from my real life and i need it to function, that i cant do the touchy constantly i need space to breathe, that i parent the way i do because it works having just been us for so long. I talked it through before hand, we talked everything, money, kids, furniture, work patterns, how my nights would work, part of the reason his set up was in the bedroom was so he had space away from the kids etc when im at work so they can continue their routines and him without impacting each other. Gaming in separate rooms again isnt outside our normal, many of the people we play with are couples and one had a set up in one room and the other a separate room. Its normal in our circle. We discussed it. And he has changed it. Not me

To know me and live with me are two different things.

You've found out the very hard way OP.

Your idea was based on knowing him for 20 years BUT you can't truly know someone until you live with them.

You CAN ask him to leave. On the grounds that he’s already broken agreements you had before he moved in, ie not getting involved in parenting and the bringing of all his stuff and furniture that you didn’t agree to. Do it sooner rather than later.

“I know i shouldnt have agreed to him coming in hindsight.“

so this was his idea? How did he frame it? Why did he want to do it?

Why did you agree?
And how did you feel about it beforehand?