I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

I’m a bit concerned he’s gone all in with no trial, thinking that will mean you have to put up with him.

Ask him why him moving in has turn you into his mother. Why he isn't pulling his weight around the house and hasn't sorted out the shit he's brought up.

Tell him you don't think it's going to work. It's a shame you didn't do a trail run first

He knows im not a touchy feely person, hes known me 20 years, but hes just decided to ignore it and sit literally touching me instead.

That's a fourth boundary crossed.

This on top of bringing a surfeit of clutter and leaving dishes in the sink for someone else to clear up, which smacks very much of contempt for others living in the house. Then there's the more serious matter of his attempt to lay down the law with your daughter. This overstep is the more concerning because you'd expressly agreed against it as a condition of his moving in.

It's been merely a week. No 'shape up or ship out' conversation should be necessary at this early stage. He knew at least one of these clear boundaries - likely two - and has chosen to ignore them. If I didn't know better, knowing men as I do, I'd think this augurs strongly of territory pissing.

I think it's already firmly safe to say that this is not going to work

Trying, trying to consider his perspective:

He’s moved into your house, but hasn’t really “joined” his stuff with yours. Has he been invited to join? Or just live there like a guest.

-can you set a time to review what he’s got and mutually decide on stuff? Try to pare it down to less boxes, sell or donate extra?
(you could also de-clutter so it’s shared)

His joined the household, but not as a “parent” 100% fair. Has he ever parented? — tell him about what you think are fair boundaries and kids need to also mutually respect him.

Money. If he’s paying rent, bills, he should have a say in where he sits! You could also combine funds and make furniture changes.

Also, he needs to share chores. Maybe kids can also be reminded now about looking after their own messes.

good luck

It's clearly not going to work. Obviously there always has to be a bit of compromise when people move in together for the first time, but this is different because of your very specific habits and preferences and because you have gone from a few days a month to living together. It would be much better to rip off the plaster now by telling him you've made a mistake than to let it drag on until you are both miserable and resentful and your dd is too.

Hmmm, A WEEK. That's not giving it much time.

I think you need to be perfectly clear about his interaction with your DC. Explain (maybe again) that you don't need or want his back up when talking to your DC. If you've only talked about parenting or disciplining, he might not see what he did as against what you told him, maybe he (misguidedly) thought he was supporting you. Explain better what you mean & don't need. If he does it again, call him out on it at the time.

I expect it upset DD if it's the first time he's done it in the many years she's known him. Just a bit shocked. She'll be fine.

She does need to understand that whilst he's not her Dad, he is an adult now living in the house & needs to respect that if/when he asks her to do something she does it (like with grandparents/teachers) (but that should come in time, not yet).

I'm a bit confused as to WHY you wanted him to move in? Yes, it's saving him driving & money, but as the kids are getting older, could you not have just gone to his once a month & him come to you once a month??

you don't seem to like him very much?

I get you need space, I get you're used to your routine, but surely you realised living together was going to involve changes & not just expect him to sit in the corner quietly.

if you don't want to end the relationship you need to discuss & compromise. It is your house, but it also needs to be his home

unless you want to live alone for the rest of your life (and you're only in your 40's so that's a pretty big decision to make) then I think you need to accept you need to really think hard about what to do here.

I'm 55, I live alone. But I have a FWB/complicated situation & I know I couldn't live with him. Our habits are too different. I know I'd struggle to live with anyone again & I know I'd have to compromise on a lot, but I think I could for the right person, if I really loved them.

DONT have a knee jerk reaction here. Really think about it all very carefully. If you love him & want to be in a relationship with him then TALK to him.

if you don't then yes, you can tell him
its mit working for you & you need him to leave, but if you did this one week in & without trying to work it out, I wouldn't blame him for being hurt & furious. He's given up a lot.

He suggested it. It was the growing costs of coming down here, the fact he couldnt afford to move here on his own, he framed it as a "where is this going" situation, that we couldn't continue the way we were. That moving in together was a positive for us both. It took the pressure off me working extra shifts to get by, the pressure of maintaining the house whilst working so many shifts, that he would be there to support me both with the money, but in general, as i was finding my job, which i love, hard ontop of managing a home. Things like food shopping were a nightmare as id have to try an organise it around my job, i was constantly exhausted, physically and mentally, he said he would pick up things he could to ease the pressure on me.

A week in i feel the opposite has happened.

I know i function differently to most, but he knew this before too.

poor kids

those ages and now sharing a bathroom, kitchen, lounge with their mum’s boyfriend of 2.5 years who until last week lived 100 miles away

Sorry OP but 2 nights a month is not relationship.
Its barely even FWB territory.
You dont really know each other well enough to live together (as in knowing those annoying habits we all have)
He is probably thinking holly shit what have I done to.

He was out of order with DD bit again you’ve not seen enough of him to know how he is in his own home and I guess you never or rarely stayed at his place

Of course you can ask him to leave.

He’s a slob
He’s cluttered your place up, bringing more stuff than agreed.
He’s playing parent to your dd
He's upset your dd
You've brought this man into your dd home and he’s throwing his weight around trying to be boss!

Get rid !
He's not your responsibility. Your dd and your own health and well-being is.

At the very least you tell him it’s not working and he needs to move out.
Given that he thinks it’s ok to take the piss, that would give me the ick and it would be end of the relationship too.

If he stays, you know it’s at your and dd expense (people pleasing to your own detriment)

im looking at my 15 year old DD sunbathing with a tiny bikini on, and im wondering how comfortable she’d feel with a boyfriend of mine of 2.5 years that she hardly knew sharing her home

shit and uncomfortable

I don't think you've fucked up but you clearly did have a different vision of how things were going to pan out to what he had.

You must have a conversation with him and the sooner you do this the better. I'd even send the kids out to the cinema or something while you have this conversation so that you're not going to be over heard or interrupted.

His boxes need to go into storage at least for the immediate to short term. They are not to stay in your home longer than 1 week. He can find a local storage company and start paying for their storage.
Next, it's clearly not working out so he needs to start searching for somewhere else to stay and you'll give him X amount of time to find that because he can't stay with you.
Next, it needs to be made clear to him why you're now bringing these updates to the relationship - he shifted the goal posts on you and also way overstepped boundaries and neither are acceptable in an adult relationship.

If this relationship is to last, these are the immediate steps you have to take.

Best of luck to you.

Ask him to leave

Shes known him her entire life, even before we were together she knew him and saw him regularly. Its not just a mums boyfriend of a short period has moved in, this is a person she has known her entire life. Just to clarify that.

the fact he couldnt afford to move here on his own

so, he doesn’t move

no way am i having a man move in to MY home who earns so paltry an income that he can’t afford to move

You never truly know a person until you live with them.

I just couldn’t handle someone in my face like he’s in yours. It sounds awful. Physically and mentally trampling on my boundaries, invading my space and mind, my relationship with my kids. It’s too much. And to me it would be indicative of his expectations of this relationship not aligning with mine. He wants more than I’d be prepared to give.

I would tell myself that this is only temporary, that one way or another he would be gone and this won’t be forever. That would help me get through the next period of time when he works out how to proceed. You have to set a deadline otherwise he’ll drag his heels and days will turn into weeks and months.

Him staying will kill your relationship. After all he’s given up, him leaving will also kill your relationship. Yes you have both fucked up. Not just you, both of you. But it is what it is. You and your D.C. come before him. He doesn’t trump all of you in your own home and your own lives. That’s the bottom line.

yes known him

he lives 100 miles away

you expect us to believe she knew him well and actually wanted to be sharing her home with him?

It’s always difficult when two mature, established adults move in together, especially when one is moving into the other’s existing home rather than making a fresh start together. It’s going to be even harder with teenage/young adult kids in the mix as well. I think it’s very soon to be throwing the towel in, but you do need to have a proper conversation and re-establish the ground rules.

First, he needs to put all his boxes and furniture in storage for now. He can retrieve boxes gradually as each one gets put away, and he can decide what to do about the furniture when you know whether the experiment is going to work.

Second, he needs to not alienate your kids or in any way try and impose any authority over them. But you do need to work out how he gets to have an opinion. He needs to be an equal member of the household if it’s going to work.

The tidying up after himself sounds like a (perfectly reasonable) dealbreaker for you, so he needs to understand and respect that.

It sounds as though a better solution for you for now would be for him to get his own place very close to yours, so you can spend more time together and learn a pattern for daily life that works for both of you, and still gives you some space. And then long term, if it’s going to work, you need a new home that you own equally. When my husband and I first lived together I moved into his house, and it just didn’t work. He resented me intruding on his sanctuary, and I resented that it wasn’t mine and I didn’t really have a stake in it. It was tricky until we moved out- he let out his house and we rented a place together, then sold and bought together after a year.

Honestly you are both in the wrong here.

He should be cleaning up after himself and he shouldn’t be interfering with your children.

But you shouldn’t have asked him to move in with you when actually you don’t want to share your space, you don’t want him to bring his things with him, you don’t want to sit beside him etc. He is a whole human, and presumably if you have known each other 20 years a grown man, he was never going to just slot into the small space you’ve allocated him in your home and life. It is unfair to expect that of him.

Relationships are about compromise and give & take, that does mean both making changes to make things doable.

you have both messed up

the difference is, your mess up involves your three children and their home

I would tell him to leave for the leaving the kitchen a state for two fucking days and the telling your dad off. You are not his maid. And you discussed the kids and we're clear he's not to parent them. Better to tell him sooner than later maybe his old job will want him back.

I wouldn't feel guilty because he's acted poorly. You should have felt guilty if it was just feeling crowded and not liking his stuff not sorted within a week but the kitchen and dd no way not acceptable

He hasn’t covered himself in glory here, some of what you’ve said would be non negotiable for me too but I also don’t think you’re being completely fair either. When you invite someone to live in your house, it becomes their home too. He should be able to socialise with the family in shared spaces and not relegated to a bedroom on his own. If I’d moved in with a DP and got told I wasn’t allowed to sit next to them or be in their space, I wouldn’t be impressed!

You need to have a proper conversation about looking after the home and contributing towards the day to day jobs that need doing. Compromise is needed on both sides to make things work. If you can’t do that then it is much fairer calling it quits now but it’s likely to being an end to the relationship completely

come again?

I did the same thing OP many years ago. I was dating a man who lived 600 miles from me. Once or twice a month. He moved into my flat and within less than a week I couldn’t stand it. Got right in my personal space. I knew straight away it was a mistake and so I found him a room to let elsewhere and told him he had to go. I felt like the biggest bitch in the world but the longer you leave it the harder it will be. And I didn’t have kids at the time. You need to have a conversation with him, and maybe find him a room to rent, although the relationship will probably end. Life is too short.