I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

Yes, he has picked his life up but he’s dumped it in your front room. He’s not adjusted any of his expectations, but he’s expecting you to budge over and change your lives to work around him and his stuff. Moving in with someone requires compromise on both sides, more so if one person is moving into the other person’s space, rather than finding a new place together. If this is his definition of compromise then no, it’s probably not going to work.

I think that if you want to say you’ve given it a good go, you have to talk to him. Tell him he’s going back on what was agreed and he needs to find storage for his extra furniture. You need to be able to go to bed when you want, so that has to change. You agreed to be his partner, not his housekeeper, so he needs to pull his weight. Most importantly, above all else, if he ever decides to try and parent your child again, then you are done. No ifs, buts or maybes. He has seriously overstepped and if he wants to stay, then he has to adjust to life in your home. He is no longer the master of his own domain.

Excellent answer.

Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

This alone would have been enough to ask him to leave.

Yes.

The rest of it is in minor adjustments area. But that was just completely uncalled for and the fact he did it despite your having agreed it was not to happen is a really big red flag.

It's not going to work out.
He's going to have to move back home.
He'll resent you for it and the relationship won't be sustainable but hanging in there is going to be worse as all these things will fester.
Easier in hindsight, but should have waited until your last child had left.
Also - did the youngest want to go off to study at uni?
Your bf would be expected to contribute if so and they'd get a smaller maintenance loan.
Good luck

I'd give it a chance, it's new for you both. Set the ground rules. 1. You don't parent my kids. 2. Get the boxes sorted and no bringing crap I didn't agree to into my house.

But it may end your relationship anyway. You're essentially saying it's your house and he's a guest and needs to squeeze into your routines without you having to adjust and make space for him to call it home. Which really you and he should have thought about and spoke about before he moved in.

Don’t get me wrong he sounds shit. Not cleaning up etc is unacceptable.

However, how do you not know yourself well enough to know this wouldn’t work for you. Or did you not know him well enough.

He is living in a new place with 4 new people. Now living with his partner. Everything has changed including your dynamic. You won’t be clear with him. He might think going upstairs would seem rude for example. If you talked properly, it might resolve things for each of you.

You wanted him to move into your life, your stuff, live how you want to live and slot right in to the way you want things with no change to your own life. As though he is there but goes along with how you want things, exactly how you want them.

I don’t want to live with anyone either. So I don’t. Dp has his own home.

Yes. I spoke about the sofa. I explained that i need space to function after work, he knows this anyone. My job is very personal focussed, i need space to destress after it, he knows this, ive told him many times that this is my space. The big sofa rarely has anyone on it. My teens are in their spaces in the evenings, my eldest works or stays out often, theres somewhere else. Even if he was sat there watching the tv or on his phone, but hes not, hes watching my screen commenting on it.

The poster who says i should watch tv witn him or something m, ive not watched tv since about 2003. I watch shorts on the internet, a few shows, i need to sound through a headset and subtitles to be able to watch anything, i cant watch the main tv.

Our shared hobby, which is how we met in 2004, is also on the computers, which, since before he came he was on the computer every evening too, i now wrongfully assumed that would continue, because for 20 years of knowing him, he has been online basically every night. Even through his past relationships, his down time was spent online. So i dont think the assumption i made was out of line.

I know its something small, but its literally driving me crazy already. I did speak to him, re-explained about the space and suggested and armchair or something. And he looked at me like ive got 2 heads. He knows im not a touchy feely person, hes known me 20 years, but hes just decided to ignore it and sit literally touching me instead.

Telling a teenage girl who isn’t his, and who’s life and space he’s just intruded on, that she’s not allowed downstairs in HER own home until she’s done her hair to his satisfaction, certainly fucking is discipline.

There is no point continuing when it is clear it isn’t working and I think you just have to tell him

You can't ask him to leave - why is this?

I did also question the stuff when he turned up with a van load having visited here many times knowing the space we had and what furniture i had. The conversations before were his pc set up, and drawers for his clothes. I outright asked if he had a emotional attachment to anything more and he said no, that was all he needed. So i rearranged the bedroom to fit those in and make that work. Then he turned up with 5 other things. The boxes again i asked aboit what he was bringing, he collects stuff similar to me, i showed him the cupboard where i store my boxes of collector's items, he saw the same. And brought so much stuff that cupboard is filled and i have an additional 13 boxes in my living room. I said errr what the fuck is this when he pulled him, but by then, again, its was too late and offloaded into my living room.

And so completely unnecessary! OP had already said what needed to be said.

This is a man coming in and thinking he's going to be head of the house where OP and her children have been working perfectly well as a unit without him.

Just. No. Not appropriate.

You’ve got too used to being on your own. This isn’t going to work. And back he goes…!

My mum actually did something similar. She’d been on her own many years and moved her boyfriend in - he was in his 60s and sold his family home, declutterred all his stuff and used some of his life’s savings to buy them a motor home thing they planned to go travelling in but 5 months later she just couldn’t stand sharing her space with anyone anymore. She felt totally claustrophobic. Out he went and she lived alone till she passed away many years later. She said she would never live with anyone again.

Don’t make yourself (and your dc) uncomfortable just to keep someone else happy.

And i agree it was attempting to discipline my dd, who didnt even require disciplining. I was just telling her how long before we had to leave for a trip he wasnt even coming on. She hadnt done anything wrong. There hadnt even been time passed since me asking her, it was immediate, she hadnt ignored my request, she hadnt huffed and puffed, i gave her a basic reminder of the time, he chimed in uninvited. It upset her, it may have been about something small, but it upset her and shocked me he had done it.

I agree with a PP who said it's this bad after just one week?!

Yeah this won't get better I'm afraid @whatdidididido

FWIW - the first week my DP moved in with me he took on every single job that had needed doing for years, he cooked amazing meals every night when we got in from work, he bought me wine, flowers, my favourite chocolates, we had amazing sex every night (!), he left me little notes all over the house... He actually still does most of this (although the gifts are less frequent otherwise we'd be bankrupt!).

But yeah, if he's this lazy and making zero effort less than a week in, it'll only get worse. This is the time it's meant to be all lovely and new and exciting....

Surprised at the first replies I read. It not often I take a man’s side on here but feel really sorry for him. The leaving his mess and telling you daughter off, are not on, but the rest of it! Jeez! You basically moved someone into your house, when you are irritated by having to share your ‘space’ and ‘relax time’. You are angry at him for actually expecting to sit next to you on the sofa and relax together, when actually that is a very normal thing for couples to do.

You really shouldn’t have moved him into your life and home when you weren’t prepared to make changes to how you spend your time in your home.

Poor sod that he is. You’ve really done him over, haven’t you.

have you raised any of this with him? Appreciate you might have hoped you wouldn’t need to, but now you are where you are, have you said anything? If so how has he reacted?

I think you are unreasonable with the couch thing - I wouldn’t like anyone DH or my children of any age sitting in the living room with head-phones on. It’s totally anti-social and rude imo.

I’d have called him out straight away on not tidying up after himself. His excess belongings - ask him to hire a storage unit.

Im a mid 40s year old woman. I have always needed space. He knew me through my marriage and knew that i had my own chair then, and my ex had his own chair, sofa for kids and visitors. He visited the house when i was married. He knew my husband and my kids since they were all born. He knew that i wasnt touchy feely then. And knows it now. He knew it when we did get together that i need space around me at times. Its not new information. Its how i am, i cant cope with it at all. But hes come into the house and ignored my personal boundaries and basically, my personality type, changed his actions and routines as the person ive known for 20 years. I know i have to adapt, and i know i have to compromise and make changes. But i cant change how i am as a person about needing space and not being touched constantly, especially when he has known this is how i am for 2 decades.

Your last bit - it’s not small. Don’t allow a man into your daughter’s home and bully her. How horrible for her. Defend her. She comes first.

I think the fact that he's not even trying his hardest (or maybe he is ) after such a short time is telling. You'd expect him to be on best behaviour initially, then start slipping as he gets his feet under the table!

OP it doesn’t even sound like you want a relationship - just someone “there”. Sorry but I think you’ve been totally unfair here.

oh dear....good olde off you pop-are you wanna complete abort relationship or just ..liv arrangements?

I cant watch without the sound directed through headset and subtitles. Again something ive done the entire time he has known me. I cant hear the tv when its on, antisocial or rude to you is fine, to me and my kids its a normal adaption for us all. Kids use the tv sometimes, these days its off 90% of the time as no one watches it. He is more than welcome to watch it. But i dont see why i should have to watch it too when i have zero interest in anything on tv at all and cant hear whats going on even if i did care