I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

One more thing - why are you so vague and secretive about your "Hobby". You've mentioned it about 10 times without actually saying what it is... What is this game that is so all-consuming and so much better than TV? By the way, saying that all TV is rubbish is a bit like saying all games are rubbish. There are great TV shows and great games. Ever heard of succession for instance...

She's not vague 😂The hobby is gaming.

100% agree with this and even think the speaking to the daughter can be resolved with a reminder of what was discussed and agreed beforehand re the kids

Big sit down chat need ASAP along the lines of

• I’m massively worried this was a mistake and is not going to work but also very conscious you’ve uprooted your life for this so need to see if we can make this work
• this is what we agreed/what I need
• what do you need for this to feel like home for you?
• Can you agree some changes? But needs to be some give and take on both sides
• good luck!

I got that ;) but she refers to it as "The Hobby" or "my Hobby" rather than just saying gaming. And also she seems (to me) to imply that she's playing one specific game - and I'm interested to know which one.

Because it's a hobby, would it really improve anything if she was saying gaming in every sentence. She calls it as what it is. Also she was right to probably not to mention the actual name of the hobby seeing how some posters immediately looked down on her.
Don't think she's been playing the same game for 20 years, so the name of whatever she may be playing atm is not that relevant.
If it's like my dp, he finishes one game and moves to something else once he finishes all the quests etc.

I understand how gaming works :) there aren't a whole lot of games you can play with 20 people you know... Anyway, I'm just intrigued (as someone who has played a lot of games).

It's why I went with WoW; it's the only game I can think of that has been running that long and has a huge following, and regular team-ups.

I think you definitely need to have a chat about where he's overstepped the mark, and what you need to be able to work for you to live together. I think a week is a bit too soon to be throwing him out, you must love him enough and he you, for him to give up everything to move in with you. Firstly you can maybe get him to put his stuff in storage that would make life easier straightaway. Secondly maybe get a bigger sofa for you and him, I know you have your way of relaxing 10 years is a long time to have had your own space, but maybe look at it from his perspective you love spending time together yet now he's moved in you're practically giving him the cold shoulder. I totally understand the need for space and you working nights doesn't help. The situation with your daughter Must be a one off, by all means he should be able to say something like hurry up, if you're not there (like someone else suggested) .its just making sure it's said the right way. It's not too late to remedy things and come to some compromise you just need to look at how you feel about him now. All the best

Yeah you're probably right. Probably WoW.

Now behaving like an 8yr old child and stonewalling you while not paying rent, I hope your next text to him was asking where you should ship his belongings to!!

What a prize pratt he turned out to be

I don’t think you have done anything wrong he has broken the agreement you made together before he moved in. It's almost as if he is a different person. You should have faced him last night instead of sleeping on the couch it has to be dealt with face-to-face, and he owes you money. Unfortunately, you will have lost a friendship of many years, but he is not who you thought he was.

Context - I have only read OP's posts so I may be repeating what someone else has already said.
When I read the first post I was firmly on this man's side, moved lock, stock and barrel away from family, friends and job for OP and was being made to feel fairly unwelcome. However with the additional info and context given by OP I think this guy is taking the proverbial. OP has a very tough job and it would not be unfair for her to want some time to just decompress from her work day by herself for a couple of hours, let him entertain himself for a while.
What worries me more than the lack of space for OP, the way he talked to DD, furniture and boxes everywhere is the financial aspect of this. OP has mentioned that he is only covering 1/5th of the rent (presumably OP is covering the other 4/5ths for her & DC), he's covering none of the other bills in anyway including food and on top of that he has yet to actually give her a single penny?! This guy needs a serious reality check. The only "good" thing about this OP is that he is giving you more and more reasons to tell him to move back out, asap.

On another note, I have been there moving in with a partner who came from their own household and therefore had a load of stuff that I already had. It's tough to go through everything and say yes to furniture and other items that you don't particularly like but that they do, to get rid of some of your own stuff. I have also had a bit of a panic attack seeing how much stuff my own OH was bringing with him after we'd moved in together. I feel your pain on that score.

Good luck with getting him to leave ASAP. I feel your suffocation.

How’s the situation now?
Had he made new arrangements?

There is nothing that’s been done here that you cannot undo. You need to be honest with him and tell him that this is not going to work for you, that there isn’t enough space in your house for him and all his shit and the fact that he doesn’t lift a finger to help and is trying to discipline your children against your wishes is an insurmountable issue for you. Give him some notice and tell him he’ll need to find somewhere else to live. I realise that he said he can’t afford to move somewhere on his own but this is your life and the life of your children who have to come first And I think when you’ve been on your own for a long time and when you get to a certain age is very difficult to accommodate someone else and their living habits. You need to tell him in the nicest possible way that he needs to find alternative accommodation.

I haven't read all of the comments but it sounds like you have a gut feeling that it isn't right. Sucks to be him but hey I'm sure he'll get over it. You seem to be set in your ways, which isn't wrong; he doesn't fit in and you will (and already seem to) resent him for this. Get rid and go back to your happy status quo.

really hoping you’ve kicked him out by now op

You need to tell him to leave again. Simple as that. I did the exact same thing you have done. When me and my partner first got together I told him I was happy with my life as it was, I had my kids, my job, my routine, my own personal space etc. We'd been together 4.5 years when I found out I was pregnant. This was a huge shock because after an accident several years before I was told I couldn't have any more children, but I wasn't unhappy. My children are now 17m, 13m, 11f and 2m. After my youngest was born my partner moved in with us and I immediately hated it. He snores, and I seriously don't mean a little snore, I mean he snores so loud he'd wake up every child in the house, including the baby. He brought his TV and ps5 with him and gamed on COD until stupid o'clock in the morning and it's not like he wouldn't help tidy up, more that he had no idea HOW to tidy up. Before he lived with me, he lived with his Mum. Had never moved out. Bare in mind right now I'm 35f and he's 34m.

We lasted about a week and a half before I told him he needed to take his stuff and move back with his mum. I was exhausted, my baby was taken into hospital at 5 days old and it was very serious at the time. Once we were home I just couldn't do it. We were so happy before, I lived in my house with my kids, he lived at his Mum's and paid rent, we'd have our date nights and he'd stay over some weekends. The kids loved him, we all loved him. After the baby was born and back out of hospital I told him that him living with us just wasn't working. He had to move back to his Mums.

And that's exactly what he did.

2 years and 4/5 months later we're still together. He comes round after work often and we all eat tea together. Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays he picks the baby up from nursery and takes him to his Nans house for a couple of hours cause 1) His nan absolutely adores him and 2) it gives me a few hours on those days to either catch up on things I need to get done, or have a few hours to myself to chill. Some Saturdays he sometimes takes the kids out somewhere and gives me the day to myself, other Saturdays we all do something as a family, and some other Saturdays we get a babysitter and spend the day to ourselves. Sunday's he takes our baby to see his other child, my step daughter, they get at least 2 days a week just Daddy/Daughter/Son time together themselves.

You don't have to live with your partner to be happy. Living apart was the best thing me and my partner have done. We are so happy. We have a healthy sex life (TMI I know) we spend time apart and so we miss each other, we dedicate special times either alone with our kids or together with our kids, we have our own separate personal lives and most importantly we don't resent each other for missing out or compromising on things that make us happy just to make ourselves look like a "normal" couple that society says we should be.

Well done for being strong and getting your man to move out again, that's brilliant, so glad it's worked out for you. Kind of how I wanted another relationship after being widowed, but circumstances changed and husband now, has been a God send. I do know a few people who have loved each other to bits but just couldn't live with each other.

How are things now op .
I hope you have managed to get him to leave .
He sounded like he had the potential to be very difficult,sulking and not paying his way are not attractive qualities in a man .
It was clearly a mistake him moving in .
But he's a grown man ,he can sort himself somewhere else to live