I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

I think the issue is you haven’t decided to live in. You decided to let him live into your house.

I would imagine if Dp was moving in with me we would both look at what had and arrange what was being kept and what was going. For each of us. I wouldn’t expect him to move in with one item and his clothes annd his computer and that’s it. I would want it to be our home (even if it’s my house).

I think you expected life to remain the same. Just with him there. Enjoying spending 4 days a month with someone is nowhere near the same as living with them.

and you and your kids have known him 20 years. But how much time would you or them spend on a monthly basis with him, for the 20 years? Knowing someone, and knowing someone as a live in partner is different.

I think given you are so upset and so out of sorts you tell him it’s done asap.

The bits about the daughter, the mess and the surprise boxes/furniture sound really irritating. You need to talk about them immediately and tell him he’s not sticking to what was agreed. Could he rent somewhere to store his excess stuff?

The bit about the chair sounds a ridiculous grievance to me! You have five seats in your living room, four of them are taken up by you and your children in the evenings, but you didn’t expect him to sit in the empty space and do expect him to go and sit upstairs on his own?

Do you feel that possibly have got very used to sharing your home with your children and maybe overstepped your capacity for intimacy here? Your emotional response does not sound proportionate at all. Rage over something that could be addressed with better communication? He has stayed for weekends previously; how was the sofa situation then? There is always something shoehorned in about lack of cleaning on these kinds of posts to get others frothing that you should chuck the lazy good for nothing bastard out; handily enabling you to avoid the real issue.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

This is all you had to write. The rest isn't even needed. He thinks he's found a nice new place with a built in skivvy. Fuck that. Deal breaker.

He's got to go.

Just to add my point about the bedroom, i dont begrudge giving that space to him at all, but since he isnt using that and is in the living room space, i dont feel i can go there to escape as its now more his space. And it feels ive lost any personal space i had before. Yes its frustrating on nights im off i cant use it anymore, but i was willing to compromise on that space for him to be happy. Instead ive lost both spaces until he goes to bed and im left trying to relax alone. Its literally giving me anxiety attacks sharing the space. Last night it was so bad, but i have to internalise the anxiety so the kids cant see it. So i had to wait till 3am, till i knew everyone was asleep, then deal with the anxiety id bottled up all night. Because i need space and room to breathe.

Ive told him this. Ive told him about how anxious its making me. Ive sent a text out laying it all, everything mentioned her, said we need to talk about it properly, but not around the kids, but he needs to know how i feel if theres any hope in making it work at all. Ive told him my youngest dd is uncomfortable too and that she is the priority and if we cant make her comfortable then its a no go and we have to rethink the whole set up. Ive told him he needs to sort his shit out the living room, whether thats storage here or he takes it to a family member's i dont care, but i need my living room back. And that we need to discuss household jobs and not leaving shit around for me to do. When i have the physically harder job, work 50% more hours, im not picking up any slack from him.

Gently, I think yes, you have messed up here. As a PP said, when a partner moves in with you it becomes their home too. I don't think you are unreasonable to want to sit on seperate sofas, I'm not a touchy feely person either, but some of the rest is a bit unreasonable. When my partner moved in with me we both got rid of some of our possessions and furniture, to make space for his. It isn't right to expect him to get rid of almost everything he owned, and thank god he didn't if he's about to have to move out again! I don't think he's covered himself in glory here, leaving the kitchen in a state would annoy me, and his comment to your DD was stupid (although probably clumsy rather than nasty, and you say he has known her all her life which does change the dynamic a bit), but I think even if he hadn't done those things, you were silly to agree to him moving in. You sound very set in your ways and not prepared for the sort of compromise which comes with living with a partner, and there's nothing wrong with that, not everyone is, but this was/is never going to work. It will always be your house, rather than your joint home.

I'd tell him it isn't working and ask him to leave, though I'd expect it to probably mean the end of your relationship.

Why has he done no tidying or cleaning since he arrived? I agree with @Aquamarine1029 - that's a deal breaker.
He's expecting a house keeper. You're not even compatible, really.

This ! I can’t beleive what I’m reading, the op is so set in her ways and doesn’t want him near. She wants to sit on her own sofa and watch her own shows. I have no idea why folks are making out he’s a monster.

I think I would be the same way, after being single so long. I need my space. Maybe you will get used to it ?

I don't think he is doing anything particularly wrong, apart from not helping enough and upsetting your daughter once, but no one's perfect. I think it's more that you are now used to a lot of personal space and you don't want to change that. I understand that as I feel exactly the same. I have been on my own for around 10 years with the children and though I am open to a new relationship I cannot really imagine someone else living in my home. When I come back to my home after going out or whatever, I see it as my sanctuary, where I can do what I like all night, watch what I like on my own, not speak to anyone if I don't want to (although I am quite sociable, I also need mental space).

I suppose he sees it that you both should want to spend time together in the evenings and you're resenting this because you want to carry on as you were. I think it's not going to work unless you can talk about it and come to some kind of understanding. It depends how much you want to continue the relationship - if you do, make it clear how much you need your own time. I also imagine the children at that age do not really want him in their house.

Oh my. Why did you move him in when you can’t share?

I don't think he is doing anything particularly wrong, apart from not helping enough and upsetting your daughter once, but no one's perfect.

Fucking hell, there are some low standards on MN. No one is perfect, but is imperfection is a step much, much too far. He has left his dirty dishes in the kitchen for more than two days. That's no an oversight, that's deliberate. He's already trying to train the op as to how things are going to be. Unless disabled or very ill, there is absolutely no excuse for an adult to leave the kitchen that way.

I'd have already tossed him out the door.

I agree on the housework and cleaning up after himself.

However I don’t see how either of you thought this was going to work.
You work nights and keep yourself on a night sleep pattern.
He works days.
You are annoyed that he is in bed when you are awake at night.
You are asleep during the day when he is awake.
You have made him a space in your bedroom but you resent him having that. You are annoyed that in the evening he wants to sit with you rather than sitting on his own in your bedroom.

At what point is this a relationship? You spend no time together. At no point have you talked about anything you like about him.

@Imanontoday i never said that. I said i want space the few evenings a week im at home to do my hobby and relax without him touching me constantly and watching what im doing. The same hobby we met doing, and have done together for 20 years. He is more than welcome to use the other sofa and spaces and tvs etc. but those few hours 3 evenings a week, i want to spend doing what i do to relax, on my own, without being touched.

Its 90% my personality type, 10% i spend my work time constantly with people, helping people, touching people, in small spaces, in high pressure situations, literally life and death, i need that space and time and calm to relax. I can't function without it.

This ⬆- he left his mess, expecting it to be cleared away -

Out of all of this, I feel bad for the younger daughter having to live with this slob - I would have waited a couple more years seeing as she’s so close to being 18. It’s such a in awkward age to have a man foist into your living space with no control over it.

exactly!!

teen girl suddenly sharing her living space with a man she presumably barely knows given he previously lived 100 miles away

poor thing

I cant watch without the sound directed through headset and subtitles

This jumped out as possible neurodivergence OP - I have something similar (ADHD)

I don't think you're going to be able to get over this, especially if you are ND. Don't berate yourself - he's obviously not a total prick or you would have noticed before, but he's behaved thoughtlessly at best, and manipulativel/exploitatively at worst. Moving in loads of crap is really bad.

And men who don't clean up after themselves think you are inferior. It literally comes down to that, though society would collapse if we all were forced to acknowledge that fact.

I'd go absolutely mad if anyone moved in now.
I like my own space too much.

I think you will have to tell him it isn't working.

It's a massive shame you didn't have a ''trial run'' first- He should have kept his flat going, and his job.

A Family member is much the same. Really resents and feels panicked by his GF's ''STUFF'' that has invaded his small place.

That too was a long distance relationship.

The whole thing sounds odd.
You didn’t do a trial run.’
He hasn’t listened to you before he moved in.
He’s a slob.
He hasn’t listened to you since he moved in.
Your kids are expected to share their home with a new adult when they are pretty much adults themselves.
Your house is too small for an extra person and all their stuff.
You can’t listen to anything on a screen without headphones.
You work nights (never ever going to work with someone new who works days when you are so set in your ways)

And yes, agree with others that your daughter will heave a sigh of relief the minute he goes (and tbh you should have been more careful on her behalf as well as yours, but what's done is done, just have to move forward and repair it with her.

@BiscuityBoyle

When he was here previously he brought his laptop. We would go out for dinner, or to a show or activity, we would game - separately, he would use the large sofa and an end table, or bedroom, me my area for a few hours. We would still chat, even if in diff rooms, as we would be on chat with others and other couples (same as when he was at home) , after we would chat in bed together. Even sticking mostly to night routine, i still get up at around 11am, we would go out, walk around the lakes, where we live is next time amazing woodlands. We have a lot of markets and festivals around, we would go to them on the sundays. Or go out for brunch. Or cook together at home before he went back. Thats what i expected from him moving in. Not every weekend as i work some of them, but the same type of way of spending time together. At no point. Ever. Have we sat and watched a tv show on the same sofa. Its not how either of us spend our time. The few shows i do watch, hes never seen, and vice versa.

You sitting in the main living room with headphones on is really anti social.

You decided you wanted him to move in, but hes not allowed his stuff and he has to sit in another room away from you and pay rent?

Did you want a partner or a lodger?

I get the amount of furniture is a pain but that's a discussion to have about selling it etc. And yes, a kick up the arse about the washing up is needed but don't people talk about stuff anymore or is it all just ltb?

And he not allowed to tell your dd to get ready? She can't cope with someone else other than you telling her to do something? Very bizarre.

But you seem to have made your mind up.

So you didn’t expect life to be different when you lived together every day?

You expected your routines to not change and him hang out in the bedroom?

I am surprised by all of the posters who are putting this all on him.

Knew somebody would be. The 'what about the poor men' posts are something to behold on this site of late, irrespective of how many liberties they take.

he has given up his job, his home and moved away from friends and family for you

He hasn't given up his job. He's moved it to OP's area. And the move away from friends and family was for him. It suits his situation and his pocket better, and if his current behaviour is any indication (spoiler: it is) then he wanted an unpaid skivvy into the bargain.

and you won’t even give up some of your space on the sofa or make an effort to spend some time in the evening together.

People can live together without being in each other's pockets. Just reading the OP made me feel claustrophobic. A lot of people need their space and don't want to be touched all the time.

from what you have posted he was just parroting you.

It's okay when she says it. She's her mother. It's not okay when the bloke who moved in barely five minutes ago says it, particularly when it was a condition of that move that he not assume any disciplinary role in respect of OP's children. Also, 15-year-old girls are notoriously awkward and recalcitrant - what exactly did he think would be the outcome?

were you willing to compromise on anything at all?

OP's updates clearly indicate that she's already compromised a good deal. The further this man gets his feet under the table, the more this story risks resembling the myriad others on this site with lazy men assuming their partners are going to take on a role of mother-meets-waitress who provides sex on tap. And there's nothing sexually attractive or appealing about such a man.

OP's 'D'P just showed her what a future living with him is going to look like: thankfully conveniently early. Now would be a good time to believe him.