I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

Hes more than welcome to use the shared living space, theres a massive sofa literally inches away from the smaller one. We would still be right next to each other, still able to talk, just not literally ontop of me touching me constantly on a very small 2 seater sofa. The other sofa is empty 90% of the time. The pc being in the bedroom was a shared decision so he had space away from kids etc when im at work. We had a conversation about it and hes moved the goal posts. Not me.

you didn’t do “the same thing”

you were young and single and fancy free

3 teens age involved in this

Surely he must feel a sense of awkwardness? So hopefully you can ask him to sit and have a chat without him being too surprised. He’s taking the piss, especially bringing all the shit you didn’t agree to. It’s literally a case of renting a storage unit which can be done in minutes and loads of places are 24 hrs a day. He could have done that on the day he had a van.
If you aren’t bothered about the relationship ending, just say you’re sorry but cohabiting is not what you expected and you would like him to move back out.
You can feel bad if you want, but ultimately, whose happiness are you going to prioritise? Yours (and your kids’) or his? Nobody else is prioritising yours. At least his hometown is 100 miles away, so in the likely event of a really acrimonious split, you won’t have to see him again as he’ll probably go back home.

Sounds like you want him to fit into your hone and life with no adjustments from you. Realistically that isn't going to happen.I imagine he thought he was just backing you up regarding your daughter, you need to have the conversation about it.

Ones step at a time, small changes
Get him to organise a storage unit for his stuff.
Perhaps relocate to larger sofa temporarily so you can both sit.
House rules - he cleans, washes up and doesn't speak to dd in discipline

Yes you fucked up OP. And so did he. You both made this decision and it was the wrong one.

I think you will have to sit him down and say, this isn't working, we can't live together. He'll be pissed off, but that's life. It's not right, he can't stay. It will probably mean the end of your relationship, but you can't have someone come in and make your DC unhappy and disrespect you and your needs.

Tell him it's over. He's got a job. He'll work out a place to live.

He's like the new tomcat in town marking his territory, OP. And his territory seems to include the sofa you are sitting on and the small screen you are watching!
I'm like you, I'm not touchy feely. My DH sits on a different sofa if I need the space. Often one of us will be watching our own screen while the other watches TV. Neither of us would peer over the other's shoulder, that's hugely intrusive.
The puppy dog eyes act is just a different way of manipulating you so he gets his way. Don't be fooled.
I have a grudging admiration for his patience. He kept his disguise on for a long time before abruptly throwing it away the second he got his foot in the door.

Yes you can tell him to leave. It will be very inconvenient for him but it sounds to me like he wNts a new mummy, it's totally out of order leaving his stuff for you to clean up. I think it was a mad idea to begin with tbh how did you think this would work?

I feel your pain op. I think he needs to start looking for somewhere else if he won’t change his ways

I am surprised by all of the posters who are putting this all on him.

he has given up his job, his home and moved away from friends and family for you and you won’t even give up some of your space on the sofa or make an effort to spend some time in the evening together.

from what you have posted he was just parroting you.

were you willing to compromise on anything at all?

I understand the space thing...
I think I might get an armchair for me but obviously he needs to take your need for space seriously.
Do you want him to stay but change his behaviour? Or, has it gone too far?

Maybe he thinks he is making an effort. As in trying to spend time with you rather than gaming. Maybe when he packed his belongings up he felt embarrassed as to how little he had and was worried about moving into someone else's home where he has literally nothing of his own. The weird behaviour of telling your daughter off might of have been his way of trying to support you by backing up what you had already asked her. (I remember a friend having this argument with a new partner and he thought he was 'being supportive.')
I think he could be a little lost trying to fit in. If it was me I would give him a chance. You could write a list of jobs for the week that need doing and when he comes to sit down next to you in the evening, you can ask him which jobs will fit into his schedule. If he's busy and has some household responsibilities you might get a break. He sounds like he's just floating around your house making a mess right now.

It does sound as though he went along with everything you discussed without bothering to take it seriously - perhaps he thought you didn't really mean it, perhaps he thought it didn't really matter. Neither is remotely acceptable. And now the sad puppy look is to squash down your objections to him going back on his word in multiple ways.

He has shown that he is happy for you to think he is agreeing to something - when he isn't.

If he had cared about you he would have said for example "I have way more stuff than that, that's going to be a problem for me," and had an honest conversation. Eg one that led to him waiting until you had found a larger house nearby, or agreeing some of your stuff would have to go. Or whatever. Not just ploughing on with what he wanted regardless of what he had said to you (to get you to agree to the move?)

Never mind whether or not outsiders think what he agreed to is reasonable or not, he agreed to it and now he has disregarded the agreement. You cannot make a life together if you can't trust him to be as good as his word.

And that lack of reliability is why I would be too cross and disappointed to continue with a relationship. He has treated you and your wishes with contempt.

I've compromised on my whole bedroom, its changed entirely, the one area i want is my laptop space and small sofa. Thats it. He is free to use the rest of the space - within reason. Filling up that space with easily 3 times the amount of belongings we discussed before hand isnt on. I can barely see carpet, i cant access the shelves in the living room. There physically isnt anywhere to move these boxes to. Its not compromise, hes taken over the 2 rooms i used before. I was happy to give up the bedroom space for him, and have done, hes taken over the one other space i had i the house, and not even using the one we discussed his using. I understand its different to how most people live, but i communicated my needs prior to him moving, he new the space available, and disregarded both

I've not read the whole thread so this may have been addressed, but do you think he was trying to be funny with what he said to your daughter? Was it a jest? Weird sense of humour? I am just hoping that he wasn't telling her off

I watch a lot on my laptop and have my earbuds in but am also half watching the TV as well. I have a 2.1/2 seater sofa to myself and I'm with you on needing space. I've normally filled the other half of the sofa with crafty stuff, magazines etc it takes ages to clear a space for anyone😂perhaps you could do this to discourage him.

It does take a while to adjust, maybe you could give it just a little longer. Can you store any of his stuff in the garage or loft? Can you extend into the loft (yes I know my answer to everything is an extension😂😂)

I hope you can find a solution

Why should op OP go to the trouble and expense of extending her loft to store this blokes junk?
He needs to leave. It’s the only solution.

You’ve moved your partner in and it’s all about you and your needs, you haven’t accommodated your partner into your life at all and you only what things on your terms.

it’s supposed to be a partnership, not me, myself and I

I agree about the issue with your dd, it’s minor and something you can speak to him about.

You don’t have to justify it- it’s your house. Ask him to leave.

It’s so simple: this isn’t working for me. please leave.

She's not storing some "blokes stuff", she's making allowances for her partner (well that's what he was supposed to be) and I'm not suggesting she pays for it. He can pay for it. I appreciate she's made a lot of concessions but it's only been a week.

How would it have been if a woman had uprooted herself and moved in and then there wasn't room for her stuff. I think a lot of the responses would be a bit different

Still not right to tell her daughter off though

Your bedroom was your quiet place but you must have realised with you working nights and him working days , the bedroom would mainly be used for one of you sleeping .

I expect he feels very awkward too, time for him to go .

That isnt true though. When we talked about it he told me his needs. A space to game away from the kids - i gave him that. I moved my stuff, i actually got rid of furniture i used (i no longer have a dressing table for my make up and hair stuff, or a place to sit and do it) to make room for his pc set up. As that was what was important to him. My small sofa and laptop table are whats important to me. Its what 3% of the entire house. I again, understand its different to most, but im asking for a small area to be just mine. Just like i gave him half the bedroom to be just his. It just happens my area is within shared spaces, i dont want mine to be in the bedroom, i want it to be somewhere the kids can come and chat and sit on the big sofa about their days, or he can spend time and we can still talk etc. ive had this little space for a decade. I dont feel i should have to compromise on that.

It sounds like he's lazy; jcouldn't be bothered washing up or getting rid of his junk before moving so he just brought it as that was easier.

But it doesn't sound like you wanted a live-in boyfriend at all. It's very unusual to think you'll continue to sit by yourself every evening with headphones on. Most people would find that rude and unsociable in a partner. Plus you resent him sleeping in your room at night?

Time to get him to move out. Apologise and say you hadn't thought it through.

Chuck him out.

The problem is OP you still see your house as yours, when actually if you’re going to live there long term it is “ours” not “yours”.

How did you spend the time you used to have together? I imagine those were more like dates than this living together. This may not be unsalvageable, if you both want to fix it, but you need a proper conversation where you really listen to each other.
Firstly, could he rent some storage temporarily to put his furniture and boxes? Though I'm not sure why you thought an adult would move their whole life and only need a few drawers for clothes, space for a desk and pc, and a couple of shelves for their collectables.
Secondly, say what you want him to do to help around the house. Be specific, not just "tidy up" but "do all the dishes every evening" etc.
Thirdly, remind him that he agreed not to be involved in disciplining your DDs and that includes even repeating something you have already said.
Fourthly, how are you going to spend your time together in the house? He obviously expected that you would actually spend time with each other. If you're going to be online in separate rooms he might as well be 100 miles away. You both need to compromise.