To think MIL should have consulted ME about Father's Day?

[head2toeinuniqlo]

I have a DH and 2 DC. DH's parents live close by, although we very seldom see them (their choice).

We're in Australia so Father's Day is this Sunday. We had a vague plan of what to do, but thought as a gesture I would reach out to MIL and see if they wanted to do something together. We don't normally, but thought it would be nice. MIL said she had already spoken to SIL and asked her to talk to DH to arrange something.

Firstly, why would DH be organising his own Father's Day?
And secondly, she knows that I do all of the arranging for the family, as she does for hers. Why didn't she contact ME if she wanted to do something together, rather than exclude me from the arrangements?

Sorry I just needed to get that off my chest. She has form for talking to DH when it would be more appropriate to talk to me. It really pisses me off, tbh. We could have had a nice surprise planned for DH that he didn't know about.

I am tempted now to just do our own thing. AIBU?

she's probably not thinking about him being a father but him being a son and also makes better sense to have the two siblings talk

@Anxiouswaffle yeah I get that, but I might have booked a restaurant as a surprise for DH. She should have checked.

This is slightly confusing as you reached out to her and she has basically agreed with you to do something together. I’d say its fairly normal for her to contact her children rather than you. I assume DH would say ‘I’ll check with ‘uniqlo’ and get back to you’.

That said, I wouldn’t have contacted my MIL about Fathers Day, I’d just have organised our own thing.

She said there had been talk of doing a BBQ or Afternoon Tea. I knew absolutely nothing about this.

You need to speak to your DH. Why hasn't he told you of these conversations and plans?
Sounds like another of those threads where you might have more of a DH problem.

i think it's normal for MIL to contact her son/daughter rather than you. You're not being excluded- that would imply they were planning to meet up without you!

@Zonder he knew nothing about it, presumably because SIL had not got around to speaking to him.

@BananaGrapeMelon fair enough if that's normal, but DH has form for 'forgetting' arrangements. Mainly because MIL calls him at work and he's distracted. He's quite disorganised anyway (he had ADHD as a child) hence why I do all the organising for the family.

So you have a husband and father in law but it's your mother in laws fault some how. Your misogyny is astounding. Have a word with yourself.

@PrincessofWells it was MIL who instigated the arrangements, not FIL or DH.

Are you sure MIL and SIL weren't approaching this from the point of view of it also being a day for your DH and SIL to celebrate their Dad, ie your FIL?

Is SIL married with kids?

It sounds like she and MIL have decided to do the day around FIL.

You and DH can decide if that works for you or if you want to do your own celebration around DH.

@Spry and @Zonder I think you're probably right. SIL is not married and doesn't have DC and they have forgotten that DH is also a father and we might plans ourselves.

There you go. I wondered if that was the case. So they've planned a father's day like they usually do probably. So you and DH can decide if you want to go along with that or do your own thing.

We once spent mother's day with my MIL and I was very definitely in second place. I announced after that that I wanted my own mother's day celebration from now on, even if we did something with her on the actual day and for me another day.

You sound very controlling and territorial.

@DragonGypsyDoris in what way?

"I do all of the arranging for the family, as she does for hers. Why didn't she contact ME if she wanted to do something together, rather than exclude me from the arrangements? She has form for talking to DH when it would be more appropriate to talk to me."

All of the above. Your husband is an adult, his mother's son and his sister's brother. Do you allow him to function/exist independently?

Oh for heaven’s sake, it’s obvious she was talking about a Father’s Day celebration for FIL! Of course she would expect it to be a discussion between his two children.

If you would like to do something for your DH from his kids, do so. Go out for brunch or something. Lots of people manage to celebrate more than one generation across the day.

I might just let DH go on his own. FIL ignores me, always has. Says 'hello' to everyone else, but not me. The family say it's because he's hard of hearing, but I am not sure what that's got to do with it.

Love your username OP, and can relate!

It sounds like MIL/SIL aren't as organised as you, seeing as they're still just talking about with a couple of days to go, and haven't thought about it very hard. Maybe they have that in common with your DH, if he's hopeless at organising too.

To be fair it seems you didn't really twig to the fact that he is a son celebrating his dad's day too - so cut them some slack for doing the same in reverse?

I think it’s normal that MIL chose to speak to her own dc regarding celebrations for their dad. He’s not your dad. If your dh forgets, it’s his issue, not you mil’s really.
It doesn’t have to be a surprise either.

For years dm, my siblings and I have discussed together what we will do on Mothers Day.
Dm enjoys being involved as she gets a say what her treat will be and spends a few days looking forward to it.
For her, having that to look forward to is part of the enjoyment.

And I think the 'but what if I'd organised a surprise?' argument only holds up if you have form for organising surprise Father's Day dinners.

I think I am coming round to the idea that IABU, since so many of you think that. The consensus on here is generally correct.

Of course she should reach out to her son. It’s not about him arranging his own Father’s Day, it’s about him arranging it for his dad. He can discuss/delegate you to.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 she reached out to SIL to reach out to DH, two of the flakiest people on the planet. I don't know what she expected would happen.