To think MIL should have consulted ME about Father's Day?

[head2toeinuniqlo]

I have a DH and 2 DC. DH's parents live close by, although we very seldom see them (their choice).

We're in Australia so Father's Day is this Sunday. We had a vague plan of what to do, but thought as a gesture I would reach out to MIL and see if they wanted to do something together. We don't normally, but thought it would be nice. MIL said she had already spoken to SIL and asked her to talk to DH to arrange something.

Firstly, why would DH be organising his own Father's Day?
And secondly, she knows that I do all of the arranging for the family, as she does for hers. Why didn't she contact ME if she wanted to do something together, rather than exclude me from the arrangements?

Sorry I just needed to get that off my chest. She has form for talking to DH when it would be more appropriate to talk to me. It really pisses me off, tbh. We could have had a nice surprise planned for DH that he didn't know about.

I am tempted now to just do our own thing. AIBU?

Lots of families have problems on Fathers day because the orgnaiser has to think of several fathers in the family.

It seems to me that, when reaching out enthusiastically to include MIL in your celebrations for your DH, you didn’t think that she might also be thinking of her own DH who is also a father to two adult children, one being your DH.

You asked yourself…..
Firstly, why would DH be organising his own Father's Day?
But it isn’t just your DH who is a father!
Your MIL probably thought, and quite rightly, that maybe her son might be thinking about his own father. And that’s a very logical explanation as to why she asked her two aduit offspring to consult together about their own father.

She wasn’t excluding you OP.
She just wasn’t centre-ing you as you seem to expect her to do.
She was probably very happy to receive your call and to know that you were thinking of her husband, your FIL -as well as your own husband.
No need to be offended at all.
You can all still enjoy Father’s Day together to celebrate the two fathers on that side of the family.

Your DH is an adult and this is his family whom you clearly don't have a good relationship with. It's utterly reasonable for his mother and his sister to talk to him about plans for celebrating father's day with his father. And it's reasonable to expect a grown adult - a parent with (presumably) a career - to be able to help plan basic family gatherings and take responsibility for communicating and coordinating with his wife. Honestly I'm not sure why your expectations of him are so low. And if he, as a father himself, decided he preferred to spend father's day with only his wife and children instead of his father then that's something he needs to express.

I'm sorry but you're centring yourself in something that wasn't about you at all, and trying to gatekeep communication between your DH and his parents and sister.

Sorry I just needed to get that off my chest. She has form for talking to DH when it would be more appropriate to talk to me.

Astonishing that a woman would talk to her own son.

Does she not realise who is in charge? No mother is allowed contact with her son once he is married and has a wife.

@LAMPS1 my idea was that we could celebrate BOTH fathers, together as a family.

She expected her two fully adult children to be competent and willing to plan a simple meal with their father for father's day without their mummy or wife overseeing it, OP. Frankly that's bare minimum.

@AquaLeader it depends who does the organising. In our case (as in MIL's) it's the wife. I wouldn't try to organise anything with FIL because it is not his role. Similarly, I expect to be consulted when someone is trying to organise something that involves my family unit.

Maybe she’s had enough of them being flaky and wants them to step up. It’s fine for you to take on the role of organising in your family but your husband will never improve if he’s not given the chance. Even if he does involve you in it, there’s no reason he can’t at least initiate it/do something.

are you really doing it because he’s useful or is there also a control element on your side. If the first, help him to learn. If the second then you need to learn to step back a bit.

You can be consulted, by your husband. Why should your husband not be consulted, it relates to his family too. And roles are good/fine but no reason for them to be so rigid.

@head2toeinuniqlo you sound controlling.

It's also worth considering how many women on here (quite rightly) get sick of being expected to do the 'wife work' - organising birthdays, presents, days out etc - so in that respect it's quite refreshing that your MIL doesn't expect that of you.

One question for you here is why wasn't your DH thinking about plans to celebrate his father for Father's Day...?

@sillylittlerabbit we're not normally invited. They usually go out for lunch with SIL but never invite us. DH will usually just pop round when they've got back from lunch or whatever. Or he'll just call or send a text.

If he had ADHD as a child, he's still got it.

Organising is your “ role”?
But doesn’t that give your dh the green light go sit back and show little interest? ( which is the case here)

Its all well and good until you need him to step up and organise something for you, if the need arose, without being totally incompetent.

@TheShellBeach oh he definitely still has it! But I didn't want to say 'DH has ADHD' in case people thought I was just being offensive.

I'm more offended that you think adhd is something you can get rid of like a cold. Maybe you're not invited as you seem very stand offish, and maybe don't actually try and be involved in the family. From your posts it seems like you don't actually like them maybe the can tell.

Its all well and good until you need him to step up and organise something for you, if the need arose, without being totally incompetent.

@Bigcatpaws we have been there MANY times. We used to argue so much about things not being done unless I did them. In the end, I realised that I had to take charge of all our life admin otherwise it wouldn't happen.

That said, he works very hard for our family and is a great dad and husband, so I forgive him for his complete lack of executive functioning skills.

I'm more offended that you think adhd is something you can get rid of like a cold.

Er, where did I say that?

I’m pleased to hear you say that OP.
Because your original post sounded quite dismissive of your FIL as if it was only about your DH and therefore should only be you making arrangements, - without your SIL and DH having any input at all about their father. I’m sure you can see that now. Is good you ranted here and not to family members. No harm done.

I hope you all have a good celebration together on Sunday.

You’re upset because you’re not in charge of everything.

I hope you all have a good celebration together on Sunday.

@LAMPS1 thanks, but it will be a bloody miracle if SIL and DH manage to organise anything!

I think you might need to let this one go, but in future decide in advance what is happening on father's day and how you want to celebrate it.

It's tricky because parents who are in the active years of parenting might see it as the one day that they might get a break and some thanks, but grandparents can sometimes assume it's a day for them to be celebrated. And it's easy to go along with that because you don't want to be rude, but it's actually not what you want....

Sounds like mil wants to give your dh the chance to make a bit more effort than just sending a text. It sounds like he’s treating his dad as an afterthought.

@Bigcatpaws not at all. It is PIL who decide to spend Father's Day just with SIL usually. As I said upthread, they make plans for the 3 of them but we're not invited.

I leave it to DH and his sister to organise both mothers and fathers day (my parents are too far away to factor into planning) so this seems ideal to me.

Your DH has a working phone and contact information for his own sister and father, correct? Then he isn't being excluded from the plans, he just can't be arsed to make any effort for his own father. He is decades beyond the age when your MIL should be arranging this for him.

I have ADHD. There is a difference between poor executive functioning and just not caring enough to try