To think MIL should have consulted ME about Father's Day?

[head2toeinuniqlo]

I have a DH and 2 DC. DH's parents live close by, although we very seldom see them (their choice).

We're in Australia so Father's Day is this Sunday. We had a vague plan of what to do, but thought as a gesture I would reach out to MIL and see if they wanted to do something together. We don't normally, but thought it would be nice. MIL said she had already spoken to SIL and asked her to talk to DH to arrange something.

Firstly, why would DH be organising his own Father's Day?
And secondly, she knows that I do all of the arranging for the family, as she does for hers. Why didn't she contact ME if she wanted to do something together, rather than exclude me from the arrangements?

Sorry I just needed to get that off my chest. She has form for talking to DH when it would be more appropriate to talk to me. It really pisses me off, tbh. We could have had a nice surprise planned for DH that he didn't know about.

I am tempted now to just do our own thing. AIBU?

I thought this steaight away too

This is coming across as very controlling on your part. It's all me, me, me.

Wonder if that's why your FIL doesn't speak to you.

Maybe they wanted to speak about general stuff at the time and this was just one of the topics.

You are right so just tell MIL that she should run Father's Day plans also past you incase you have a surprise arranged.
She will likely understand and support your DH putting his small children first..
No need to carry a grudge forward - just phone and speak to her.

Assert yourself but it is not odd that MIL does talk to her kids about if they have plans to see their Dad. Equally, it's not odd for you to be able to also know, influence and change the plans.

Your DH also has a father and MIL was thinking he might want to celebrate his own father as well. You were also thinking that. Why shouldn't she contact her son without 'going through you'?
You have children, you can't imagine it now but one day they will be grown up and you will not necessarily want to communicate with them through their partners. You might also want them to celebrate Father's Day with your DH as well as any dc they have.

I think your wrong. It's normal to speak to your dc not their partner.

It's all well and good her asking DH and SIL to organise something, but if they don't get it together, then our DC miss out on celebrating Father's Day.

Do your thing with DH and let them deal with the consequences…

What? Why? Aren’t you helping them with cards and little gifts for their dad? Planning his favorite breakfast or something? Or maybe even asking your husband if he’s going to make plans with his own father for lunch or dinner so you leave that meal time available in the schedule?

You’re being obtuse now just for the sake of it.

Do your children organise a Fathers Day celebration by themselves or are they too young to do that?

Fathers Day is no big deal compared to say, Christmas Day or a Birthday so you can just as easily celebrate the next day or even the following week.

You’re obviously annoyed with your MIL for some reason, so whatever she does will be wrong in your eyes. I think you need to demonstrate what tolerance looks like to your kids and stop being so rigid about the right and wrong way to plan a celebration. You’ll do them no favours as they grow up if you carry on with your blinkered thinking.

My instant sense is that they don’t like you. They don’t want to talk to you. You say they instigate being low contact so I’d keep it that way and leave it to your husband to maintain his own relationships.

FIL ignores you - I’d never want to bother with him if so, that’s very odd behaviour. However, ADHD often overlaps with autism so could it be possible his social skills are affected? I’d be more understanding if that was likely. If not, he sounds exceptionally rude and I’d not bother trying to facilitate the relationship's between FIL and your family.

Maybe she didn't realise you would want to do something so said she'd asked SIL to reach out to DH to sort of cover as she felt bad about not originally including you.

Also it's perfectly normal to want to make arrangements with your own son. I know you say you happily make all the arrangements, but I wouldn't thank anyone for expecting me to make plans for a grown adult.

Just do your own thing

I don’t really see what the issue is - if your SIL hasn’t got round to contacting your DH, so you can jump in with your own plans and tell MIL X is happening.

Beyond that there’s nothing wrong w her asking her kids to sort something for their dad for fathers’ day, if you guys were already doing something else your DH can say so. It’s not usual for f day celebrations to be a surprise like big birthdays so no reason to think he wouldn’t know (and anyway if he didn’t, he would as soon as he checked in w you.)

It just sounds to be like you don’t like her and this is an excuse to have a go at her.

Not that you asked, but it does sound like you should step back from controlling your husbands interactions w his parents. If he forgets stuff when she calls him at work, that’s on him. ADHD means you need techniques to remember stuff - it’s not Alzheimer’s.

You sound a nightmare. Sounds more like you that has form for being awkward. Why didn't she contact ME.

She has form for talking to DH when it would be more appropriate to talk to me.

Ehhh? Can a mother not talk to her son as and when she feels like it? Does she need a permission sleep op?

Get a grip it was probably a passing conversation she probably expected your husband to mention to you

I would just get on with organising your own thing for the 4 of you, and when you finally get the details of this bbq, if it fits, attend that too.

As a slight aside, I think you might be guilty of doing that thing many women do in their 20s/30s. I did it too so absolutely no judgement! If a man does thing X your thought process is 'oh bless him' , if a woman does the exact same thing X your response is far more negative/vitriolic. In this situation you glide smoothly over that your dh is bad at organising with no negative vibes at all, the women don't get the same treatment.

But I do get what you’re saying OP - my SIL has form for this, she’s the only person who contacts DH about social arrangements (everyone else comes to me), DH will generally say yes to everything without checking if we’re already booked on the dates in question, and generally forgets to telll me. It’s got nothing to do with being controlling or territorial, it’s just basic family organisation!

Derailing, sorry, but I thought it was generally accepted that at least a small percentage of kids do 'outgrow' adhd. https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/childhood-adhd/growing-out-of-adhd

OP, I personally want my in-laws to go through my DP and not me, so I'm finding it difficult to understand your feelings here. Clearly this situation has frustrated you.

I guess the question is, is your mil acting out of malice or just from a different perspective to you? I'd say the latter is more likely so perhaps it's one of those times to shrug and think "everyone's different".

So mil doesn't consult you she is in trouble does consult you 'why do women have to do all the organising'

As its about fathers day why is the mil trouble at all anyway?

This genuinely sounds like a mountain over a molehill. Just organise something for him if you want to.

fwiw I could well imagine a scenario in which MIL and SIL are just chatting and the topic of Fathers Day comes up. They wonder briefly if your DH has plans already and SIL says she'll ask and this - in the retelling - becomes "I instructed her to arrange plans with her brother" and then in the interpretation becomes, they consipired to leave you out.

I’m another who is shocked/offended/annoyed by your ADHD comment. He had ADHD as a child 🙄 you don’t grow out of it 🙄 your response when challenged of But I didn't want to say 'DH has ADHD' in case people thought I was just being offensive. IS actually offensive!

You sound like hard work, entitled, ignorant.

But medical research shows that you can grow it of it. Sure, most don't, but some do. See link in previous post.

Edited to add: the op has come on here to ask for our perspective and has been willing to take it on board. Your comment is neither helpful nor warranted.

Nope. You learn to cope better, live better, manage the condition. Or probably didn’t actually have adhd in the first place.