To think MIL should have consulted ME about Father's Day?

[head2toeinuniqlo]

I have a DH and 2 DC. DH's parents live close by, although we very seldom see them (their choice).

We're in Australia so Father's Day is this Sunday. We had a vague plan of what to do, but thought as a gesture I would reach out to MIL and see if they wanted to do something together. We don't normally, but thought it would be nice. MIL said she had already spoken to SIL and asked her to talk to DH to arrange something.

Firstly, why would DH be organising his own Father's Day?
And secondly, she knows that I do all of the arranging for the family, as she does for hers. Why didn't she contact ME if she wanted to do something together, rather than exclude me from the arrangements?

Sorry I just needed to get that off my chest. She has form for talking to DH when it would be more appropriate to talk to me. It really pisses me off, tbh. We could have had a nice surprise planned for DH that he didn't know about.

I am tempted now to just do our own thing. AIBU?

Your DH is the one with the issue, his sister spoke to him and he didnt tell you about plans for his dad and he has form for not communicating about plans his mum wants to make. You sound very ridged about your role in the family.

Hahaha, yes!
I can see they might need a bit of a nudge and prompt to communicate.
Or that you might need a Plan B if their organising comes to …nothing at all.

I voted YANBU, then realised that actually she may have been coming at it from the angle of reminding her kids to do something for FIL, rather than anything else. I then realised I will probably do something similar when mine are grown.

I jumped to the same conclusion as you but didn’t consider the other perspective :)

Presumably you had a conversation with her when she mentioned your SIL speaking to your DH. At that point did you not think - oh I’d better tell her I’ve arranged lunch out with my DH and our children?

As long as your children have a card for your husband and you've food in for a meal for your family, that's a job done. No need for more of a plan B than that.

I think you may have over thought it. Mil may have spoken to her son in passing and just mentioned it. No thought about needing to speak to you first. You may do the organising normally but mil has probably been doing the organising for years. I think it’s best to go along to see fil or resentment etc can make situations a whole lot worse.

@Doingmybest12 SIL has not spoken to DH yet.

MIL speaks to her daughter, thinks daughter has spoken to son - your DH, either DD hasn’t spoken to DS or DS hasn’t told you about the arrangements. You’re fuming because somebody else is trying to organise a family get together.
The one person not at fault here is your MIL.

This is pathetic. It’s not a competition as to which mother gets the most attention!

No, I’m not sure either. Maybe he just doesn’t like how controlling of his DS you are?

I find it funny you're desperate for the wife work I'm trying to avoid. I'm desperate for my MIL and SiL to arrange stuff with DP but they always want to go through me.

Also you've 2 kids yourself can't you imagine in the future them wanting to arrange stuff as adults for your FILs fathers day?

If he works very hard for his family and is a great dad then he doesn’t have a complete lack of executive functioning skills. If he did, he’d be an incompetent blob of flesh unable to perform any task with any degree of success.
Have you heard of self sabotage by proxy? That’s what you’re doing - you’re sabotaging your DHs need to perform tasks around the family for himself and making yourself out to be a martyr at the same time.

Do you usually call MIL and ask like you have this time? You said DH and SIL are flaky and he forgets plans, is it not more likely you have previously been invited and he hasn't communicated this or SIL hasn't gotten in touch beforehand?

You're acting like it's strange for MIL to have asked SIL to talk to your husband about plans for their father on Father's Day, consider that she actually does it every year and they are both incapable of managing to do anything so the poor woman ends up just having lunch with SIL because you don't consider FIL either and you make all the arrangements for your DH.

Your children will grow up too and DH won't be their priority, you will be MIL one day.

Not to derail but ADHD is a lifeling neurological condition...you dont just have it as a child. Your husband still has it x

@head2toeinuniqlo she reached out to her children re their father. Huge overreaction on your part I think

Why don't people stand up to their revolting in-laws, particularly those who ignore them, or ride tough-shod over their family plans, etc
This place is packed with seemingly articulate, intelligent women, who unwillingly revert to subserviant acceptance around an in-law
Yes, it is difficult, but if your DH/DP doesn't stick up for them in such a situation, they need to be having words all round.
Please ladies, don't let your children learn that such behaviour is acceptable from any party involved

Honestly, I think you need to just organize something for your immediate family and assume you haven’t been invited. If it clashes, too bad.

This father's day (also Aus) SIL has chatted to DH & booked a restaurant for lunch. No one consulted me. My parents were then invited when I pushed back. They booked a restaurant a 45 min drive for both IL's & my elderly parents. So now I have to drive my parents out. So we're going to a brewery & I can't even have a drink!

This is normal, across both families. Christmas, Mothers & Father's day etc.

If I really wanted I could kick up a fuss. I sometimes do. I refuse to go to SIL's for Xmas because it's grim, and have refused to allow hoardes of relatives stay at my house, that DM invited from interstate, for Christmas. We only get a few days off & am too exhausted to do hosting & cleaning.

As for your MIL consulting DH, well, my MIL tried that because DH never said no. Problem is he'd forget or only mention on passing, I'd make other plans... and... tough. So she went back to asking me. I preferred not knowing....

Just let it go.

Firstly, why would DH be organising his own Father's Day?

For his own father?

I WISH my MIL would talk to my DH instead of me. She asks me what DH is doing at the weekend, what DH wants to eat when he visits next week, if DH is low on socks. Thinks men shouldn’t be troubled with the mundane. Or are incapable of answering such questions. Does my head in!

I think they're looking at it as he is her husbands son, not that your DH is a father himself.
I also think this way is probably easiest.
You aren't taking on responsibility of fathers day, not just for your husband as a father, but his father's day too.

"Oh ok, that's ok MIL, I wouldn't expect husband to arrange his own father's day. Let me know if you want to do something joint or not and I'll speak with SIL today. If not, no problem at all."

If he had ADHD as a child, he's still got it

That struck me also. It doesn't just melt away.

Why would she have checked if you had booked something for DH when you were the one who "reached out" to her?