why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

That you feel when you child goes to university?

I have been struggling with it for months, but it doesn't seem to be acknowledged.

I understand that some people are happy for their DC to leave home, but there are so many of us that feel deep sadness about it.

I wish I had known all of this in advance, that I was going to feel all of this

Let me see if I can put it another way. Yes, it can be painful and you can miss your child immensely, but surely you can see that it's a good thing for your child?

For example, would you rather your child was capable of going off to university and living independently, or that they had special needs that meant this would never be a possibility?

I have experienced tremendous loss. I have experienced having a child who wish they could be independent but aren't capable of it. I have also experienced a child who is very capable and went to university and now lives in a different city and who I miss tremendously. But the third of these is by far the least painful, and if you haven't experienced anything worse then I stand by my statement that you're incredibly lucky.

Not really sure how to respond to this other than to say that we all experience things differently.

And we all experience different things.

You can't be suggesting that you would be more distressed about an adult you have raised going to universities than you would be if one of your children had died.

I agree. Many of us get on with our lives & don’t feel grief. I think it’s disrespectful to parents whose DC have actually died to describe it as grief. It’s just so over dramatic.

I was asking a question not trying to say anything. I live alone now kids gone but tbh I don't do anything different from when they were there. Still go out regularly, go travelling etc. Work just as much lol although my bills are now cheaper

I agree. Missing someone who is very much alive and kicking and will be back in a few weeks is not grief.

When my first child left home it actually felt like a physical pain . The second child , it was seeing his empty room the day he left, that hurt. Now I don't think I would like having them home all the time as having my own space is lovely. Their old room is now a craft room. Obviously I would take them in , no way would I see them homeless.

I think its perfectly reasonable to feel sad when your child leaves for university, a sadness that may feel overwhelming at the time. But to call it "grief", and to actually claim that it was "like a bereavement" as a pp has done, is tone-deaf in my opinion.

You have not "lost" your child. They are just staying elsewhere during term time! You can visit, they can come home for the holidays, you can talk on the phone, facetime and text them. It's an adjustment, for sure but it's not a "loss".
It might feel temporarily painful to see significantly less of your child than when they were living at home full time, but it is not remotely comparable to them dying, to knowing you'll never be able to see or speak to them ever again. To try to compare the two is ridiculous.

Children are supposed to grow up and make their own way in the world. It's the natural order of things. Just because something feels difficult doesn't mean it's "traumatic".

Well I'm not taking about those scenarios, I'm talking about my own personal one. I have kids who live nearby and who I see regularly but it doesn't stop me missing the ones who have gone away.

I am sorry about your situation and I can understand why you see it that way.

My 24 year old DS moved into his own home a month ago. I was dreading it and thought I’d cry for weeks. I haven’t cried once but I thinks it’s because he’s overcome so much to get to this point. My over riding feeling is pride. I miss him but we message every day and speak on the phone often.
I still have a 17 year old DS at home, he’s ADHD to the max so it’s sometimes like having 5 kids still at home 😂😂

I work from home, that's why I worry about living alone. I'll have to look for a different job, a co-working space, new activities, something. It's not only about feeling lonely, but living with other people brings a certain routine and structure to the day - and I need that.

With respect, I disagree.

I have always had lots of interests and friends outside of the family, but I was completely blindsided by how I felt when the kids went to university- especially the youngest.

I got over it pretty quickly, but man, I felt bereft!

Grief takes on many guises. It’s not just about physical death.
People all experience things differently and that includes grief.

I’ve got to be honest when my eldest went to university I felt relief. She wanted her own space and was ignoring house rules which isn’t great when she had two younger siblings to set an example for. Yet mostly she has always had this drive and she had out grown school and could not wait to get to university to learn etc. I mean she is 28 now and just got her first grade 7 government job and I couldn’t be more proud of her. That same attitude that often drove me mad is why she is successful now.

I also struggle to use the word grief in this setting more like sadness or missing. I say this because after losing two children aged 9 and 7 I can tell you what true grief feels like.

Agree. My children became different people when they went to university, it broke me tbh.
My 24yr old is just starting to realise their actions but you can't undo what's happened. My 21yr old - relationship is in tatters. I hope time helps build the vast awful chasm that divides currently.

Wow you must have lived a very fortunate life then and of course it's totally natural to be apart from your grown up adult children!

Having twins if they both decide on a University path our house will be going from 2 noisy teenagers and all their mates filling the house - to nothing - all in the same year 😩 Am actually quite excited to get back to some degree of coupledom with my OH but I imagine the reality will be tough

It's awful. Our DS is an only child (NOT by choice, we're lucky to have even one) . The three of us were always a close little team. He went to uni and I was distraught. I didn't guess I'd feel like that. DH and I have a good relationship, share interests, I have friends and a job but I felt so empty. Anyway, I got used to it. Then he came home after graduation and I thought Oh lovely, he'll get a job in a nearby city, settle down, all hunky dory. So what does the little b**r do? Lands a job in Seoul, South Korea. He's been there since before lockdown. So despite the distance, not seeing him throughout the pandemic, constant worry about Seoul being nuked by N Korea, etc., I'm very proud that he's doing his dream job and is happy and healthy (his Korean girlfriend is lovely and loving and keen to spend some years here in the UK which makes me love her even more!). I'm used to him not being at home and I never thought I'd be able to say that. It's his life and I'm happy for him.

Ah ok. Plenty of tribes have customs where adult children leave. For prolonged period or permanently. You said generic ‘tribes’ like ‘tribes’ are one group with the same customs and culture.

You need educating as ‘tribes’ don’t all have the same customs.

If you don’t know which tribes. Just say that. Hiding it in ‘you need to educate yourself’ is just a bit odd and suggests you should said without thinking.

Children becoming independent from their parents is entirely natural. Children being away for several weeks is entirely natural. Think of it as though they are going on an extended hunting expedition, or looking for potential resources and will be back soon. If that makes it feel more natural.

How far back are we looking when you say it’s not natural? Many of the first humans were nomadic. So is it not natural to live in a house for many years? Many things that are ‘natural’ we actively try to work against. being ‘natural’ doesn’t mean it the ideal state of being.

I missed mine when they went to uni, we are a very close family, and I thought I'd be much sadder. But we talked every day, via text and video chat, even just a quick hi to touch base, and instead of being awful it's actually been lovely seeing them grow and become independent.

I find this so strange as I know my own mum was overjoyed to get rid of me and avoid coming to visit me at all costs. As hard as it is for you guys, just know your kids must feel very loved in the knowledge you miss them so terribly ❤️

I'm glad someone posted this first. My son died and I wish with all my heart he was just going to uni. Get over yourselves.

My mum really struggled when I left for uni. She didn’t have a partner and she didn’t really have hobbies so I think that made it worse.

If it helps, it really improved our relationship because I realised how much I also missed her. I made her promise that she would move with me if I ever moved away from my home town. And she did! We now live 5 mins from each other and see each other almost every day😂.

Uni was the best thing that I ever did and it improved mine and mums relationship immensely. It is the end of an era, but it’s the start of a new one and now that I’m about to become a mum myself I need her more than ever.

So well put!

I felt grief like never before, (not even when my parents died), when my daughter went to study, then work, overseas. I still miss her all the time. And yes, I did and do have a life other than being a mother, and it’s extremely insulting and ignorant for people to assume that just because I miss her, I don’t. You can actually do both, believe it or not.
I cannot in a million years imagine the grief that is experienced if a child of yours dies. I mean that sincerely - and I have enormous respect and admiration for parents whom that has happened to, but who carry on because they have to.
But to say to parents who miss their kids who have moved away that they’re not entitled to feel grief because real grief is reserved for parents whose children have died is cruel and insensitive.
Of course I accept that my grief is nowhere near what it would be if my daughter died. But grief comes in different forms, and as far as I know does not have to be a competition.

I know what you mean! My eldest started uni last September, and I was struggling with the idea of it. Then my grandmother, my last living grandparent, passed away suddenly (had been well before that) and unexpectedly the very morning we were due to take him there. It was devastating and I struggled to separate the two different types of grief to work through them.