Does my DH want me to look ugly

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I had to create an anonymous account for this post. I am by no means a supermodel and have always preferred comfort over style. I do not want to look unattractive, but cannot be bothered waking up earlier every morning just to look perfect. I do not wear much makeup, keep my hair short and avoid spending a fortune on clothes.

My husband has supported how I look and thinks many women spend way too much time on their appearance. He has always preferred my hair short and out of the way and has no issue with my body type (not skinny and has gotten fuller over time). He also tends to complain if I take too long getting ready. I never found this all that unusual.

I recently brought this up to a friend and mentioned how my DH likes my hair better cropped short. She found that odd and sort of implied that she thinks my DH wants me to look less attractive to other. I know she was not saying this to be unkind, but was still put off by it.

I think it sounds like your husband loves you for being you, not because of your hairstyle or whether you wear makeup or not. Which is lovely! Is she a bit jealous of this? My DH couldn't care less what I wear, how much I weigh or if I wear makeup. I rarely do and my hair is always in a ponytail because I can't be bothered with blowdrying!

This actually gave me flashbacks to my childhood where my mum was constantly on about keeping hair out of the way. As a result I had a hideous fringe (I can't bear them now). Her approach was purely practical and it kind of messes with your head a bit - like if you want to wear something or look a certain way it's considered vain.

Anyway, op, it depends how your husband shares his view and whether you ask him for his opinion and how he gives it. He may not really care either way/doesn't even really notice. Or he may be shaping your decisions in more ways than you've considered. Perhaps stand back and look at what he says and how he says them.

I don't think anyone here can answer this, since we don't know the people involved.

It might be that you have a husband who genuinely doesn't care about appearance at all (although I would think this is very rare. Ime it's possible to totally love someone but still be more or less attracted according to appearance. I hate beards for example - it doesn't affect live though).

Maybe you look stunning with your hairstyle and no make up and your dh genuinely loves this look.

Maybe your friend has picked up a vibe from your dh that doesn't feel comfortable to her and she's trying to draw your attention to it.

None of us can say.

I think I'd start to take a bit more not of what my husband does seem to find attractive in other women. I'd be a bit at my husband not liking me to take too long to get ready.

Personally I like it when a man doesn't show too much interest in the details of how I look - I think there's something 'off' when a partner has strong preferences for a certain hair style or colour or clothing style - women are people not accessories!

You and your DH are happy , your friend has made you question that. The friend is the problem. She is stuck in ‘women Need long hair to be attractive’ mode. Ignore.

those that say their partners “don’t care whatsoever” about the way they look…well, they do. Everyone cares what their partner looks, it’s only natural!

Hmmm I don’t know. I’m going against the grain here. I don’t think your DH is such a great guy. There’s no need to compare you to other women and put them down. It’s just as bad as if he said the opposite e.g women should have long hair and wear loads of makeup like TOWIE.

I think the responses from PPs would have been different then but it’s the same thing and it’s not cool. You do seem a bit insecure too, seeking further reassurance from PPs who also have short hair.

Maybe your mate has the measure of him.

Did you mean to be so ageist?

Unfortunately it can be a thing with some men. Not necessarily your man but definitely some men. If the woman looks too good, it’s hassle for them because they have to work harder to keep them. That’s why that Jimmy Soul song exists… ‘If you want to be happy for the rest of your life never make a pretty woman your wife’
It may not be the case in your situation though. Your friend might be being a cow. Impossible to say without knowing you in real life

Agree....it comes across as you're not like the other girls sort of thing which I always found to be a bit of a red flag.

yeah super misogynistic to think women don't need to spend ages making themselves look good for men when men spend much less time on themselves and don't care.

I'm an old lady meself: I am not ageist. An equally ancient friend who'd worn her hair very long for decades suddenly decided on an elegant bob. Visually, she lost 10 years and oddly people started asking her if she'd lost weight.

There's a lot of weird fetishisation around long hair. Do what makes you happy.

Michelle Williams keeps her hair short in tribute to the one (straight) man she knew that liked short hair.

lots of men don’t like the full make up/nails/hair/heels look. My dh doesn’t. Much prefers the jeans/dm look than frilly dresses and heels.

it tends to be other women that judge - “making an effort” is a classics phrase. If you don’t spend time on your appearance you’re not doing it right.

ignore this “friend”, listen to your husband.

Women prefer things of their partners like no beard, tall, biceps, wearing smart clothes or whatever

I think your friend is projecting. Maybe your husband finds you attractive, maybe he doesn’t care about appearance. It’s no-one else’s business.

Why are you assuming they're doing it to look good for men? Men passing judgement on how long random women take to get ready is really shitty. I've always found men who do that are the ones who couldn't pull a glamorous woman so speak badly about them.

So your husband loves you, stays with you, compliments you on your style, the style that you yourself love, and now over a conversation with a "friend" you are questioning it all?

The fact your husband has actually said this makes me wonder if there is a grain of truth in what your friend has said about your husband being more secure if you don't look typically sexy.

"My husband has supported how I look and thinks many women spend way too much time on their appearance"

It comes across as neggy I.e. designed to make you behave a certain way to prove you are more secure and not like 'other women'.

What I think is key, is how would he react if you decided to grow your hair and wear make up regularly?

I had an abusive ex who definitely tried to make me less attractive. In my case, part of my exes hatred of women was to do with the fact he was gay and in the closet (due to being from a homophobic Culture/Religion) but I didn’t find that out until years later. For other abusive men it’s that they don’t want competition from other men and are very insecure.

OP there are men who much prefer short hair to long. It can be beautiful. Your friend doesn’t sound very nice. A bit of a frenemy?

I’m not keen though on your DH’s views on other women and the idea he “prefers your hair short and out of the way” as opposed to, “thinks I really suit/look beautiful with short hair.”

When my abusive ex met me, he knew the deal. I was a long haired, full face of make up, heels and dresses kind of woman. That’s just me, my style, how I’ve always been.

Then the “I prefer you without makeup” started.
Why are you wearing a dress? Can’t you just wear jeans?
I hate it when women spend so much time on their appearance.
Why are girls so obsessed with looking pretty? It’s so vain. I thought you were better than that.
Why don’t you just cut your hair? It would be more convenient. It’s such a vanity and waste of time. You don’t need hair.
You’re going to this party wearing a DRESS? And LIPSTICK? You disgust me.
Why can’t you just go in your trackies? Are you that insecure that you need to dress up? It’s only the theatre. Are you elitist?
I like you in black. Colours are a bit attention seeking. I hate how attention seeking girls are.
Why are you wearing heels? Don’t you want to be able to run away from a rapist? They look stupid and make you an easy target.
You don’t need a shower, literally no one cares if you smell. I hate that you shower every day. Stop being so vain. Just be natural.
Aww I bet you think you look really sexy done up like that don’t you? You don’t. You look like the rest of the common sluts asking for it.

Etc.

So some men absolutely want to make you look (and feel) less attractive. Only you know which kind your DH is. Liking short hair is fine. Insisting on it and shaming you for spending time on your appearance would be a red flag…as unfortunately would judging women who spend more time on their appearance than you.

What business is it of his? Why would that be a big deal to a man? Bit weird, no? Set my spider senses off a bit.

What’s it to him how much, or little, other women spend on their appearance? Why does he even care? Something about this doesn’t sit right.

Context is everything, specifically the wider context of the state of your marriage.

My ex was like this - made it clear he didn't like make up, didn't like perfume, didn't think I should spend too much time on my appearance. When you're busy with kids etc, it's music to your ears to hear what you think equates to "you don't need that stuff to be attractive to me". Now that the relationship has collapsed and I can see how controlling he was, I can see that those sorts of comment were about keeping me close and making sure no one else - including me in the end - found me attractive.

I certainly would not leap to the popular conclusion here that your friend is jealous, which seems to me to be quite a misogynistic interpretation.

@AmiablePedant to me your post came across as a ageist and misogynist! Calling older women women with longer hair witchy is never a good look imo

witchy no less 🤔

My husband has supported how I look and thinks many women spend way too much time on their appearance.

You lost me here.

So you don't like prejudice against short hair but it's okay for you to show prejudice against long hair on older women? How does that make sense?

Some of us just don't suit short hair. I'll stick with the witchy woman aged flower child look thanks.