Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

Stop doing those thing for him... only do things you want/need to do for yourself and maybe the child (if the kids are young and other option is they would go without rather than him stepping up).

Take more time to run and have hair done. Cook only for you and the kids, wash only your clothes, tidy only your messes (leave his wet towel on the floor, leave his dirty mug on the coffee table etc...), buy only the food you like and so on.

You don't exist to be a maid to him and fathers do not watch their own kids as 'gifts' to the mother.

If he take for granted the things you do willingly then don't do them, you don't HAVE to.

It’s giving Ross’ Rachel list from Friends

I'm no as horrified at the existence of the list as many posters. I do agree it is incredibly hurtful and petty.

I am disgusted by the inability for him to acknowledge that it is hurtful and tell the OP that it's her problem that she's hurt. There are many ways to navigate a situation where you have hurt your partner by not thinking through your actions - but failing to acknowledge the impact is appalling behavior.

I am very much in the 'we all make mistakes' camp - but that's only justified if you can see it from the other persons perspective when they tell you how it has impacted them.

So sorry OP. I hope you find peace.

"The OP in her rage"??? Listen to yourself! What odious sanctimony!

How dare he keep such a list, private or not? What's the intent behind it? It's outrageous that this prick is judging his wife in this way! What's next - marks out of 10?!

Gosh OP you'll be so happy when he's gone.

Context is not necessary! This is unacceptable no matter what the context. I think you need to have a word with yourself.

Sorry, OP. I got temporarily confused replying to another thread - I read that you work in your OP.

Re. calling the Police and bruises - call the Police if he was to ever physically abuse you. You can also call the Police re. emotional abuse and/or coercive control. It is all Domestic Violence.

I haven’t read all the replies and I’m sure I’m in the Minority but I don’t think the list itself is that bad.

most women/men have a similar list in their heads. He has simply chosen to write it down instead.

Good luck to him discovering the fridge hasn’t been restocked when he lives alone.

That would be my LTB moment.
Nasty, petty, doesn’t do his 50%….

My Ex H did this but was more open about it and wrote my failings on postit notes stuck to my bedside table. I divorced HIM and he was baffled as to why

Goodness a lot of replies.

I don’t just go on runs and tell him, I would always ask and he always says fine, which is why I was shocked to see it on a list of stuff I do wrong.

No police matter, just a really shit marriage I think.

Someone mentioned male influencers, he was saying recently how one talks sense. I pointed out the awful crimes and things he says about women, but my DH argued that didn’t invalidate his other points. I didn’t understand how he could feel that way when he has a daughter. I just leave discussions like that politely as he will never see somebody else’s point of view as valid. Not mine anyway.

Yes, so am I. This is exactly what I’d be doing.

I’ll label his side of the list ‘STBXH’s tasks.’

Although I might put it where the kids can’t see it. His side of the bed?

What an absolute twat.

He's pathetic and laughable. I'd be divorcing him who does that??

@IfIwasablackbird
Someone mentioned male influencers, he was saying recently how one talks sense. I pointed out the awful crimes and things he says about women, but my DH argued that didn’t invalidate his other points
Woah!
We are talking about a 45 year old man who is an Andrew Tate acolyte, is this a joke???
How can you possibly take anything he says or does seriously, he's an absolute twit 🤣🤣🤣
I would laugh in his face and then make lists 10 times a day of his faults.
Jesus wept

Honestly OP the fact that you have a daughter would be the final catalyst to get out of this relationship. The last thing she needs to grow up around is a dad who thinks someone who rapes and traffics women and girls has a more important opinion than his own wife.

rightly or wrongly some people will say x influencer said omg points but then the same x influencer could of said some good points but because of the omg points they said some people tend to invalidate all that the x person said because of the omg points.

if that makes sense

@LucasNorth1 I get that.
As a woman I don’t feel Andrew Tate should be given the air time to further his hate for women. Free speech yes, actively harming women not so much.

I'd 'fix' his lists and hand it to them. Along the lines of:

I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

Into

'had to parent my own child for a short time so she could have some much needed personal and down time to exercise and pamper herself'

'No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’

into

'We both struggled to get to the store to buy food for dinner for Tuesday because we both work full time. I probably should have got off my lazy arse and picked up some food because she was also sorting the children after she got off her paid job while I just sat there and complained then made a list of criticisms.'

He's a twat, btw, OP.

now you have named that individual ill say i dont know any of his writings and i dont intend to study any of them ,

although it could be debated if the media had not of broadcast his name far and wide chances are hardly anyone would of known of his views and he would of had little influence on the general population of x countries etc

He didn't need the media. No-one does these days

He's done it all himself

I used to journal things about my STBEX because he had done such a number on me that I had to stop myself slipping back into denial when he flipped the switch and was 'nice' - ie not abusive. But these things weren't petty.

The 'help' thing is relevant. Before I was enmeshed nothing was too much and he was overly generous, falling over himself to help me when I didn't need it. When I was enmeshed it disappeared even when I needed it and he diverted his helping to other women (who he thought might sleep with him). If I needed help I was weak.

Especially when we had DC. I should be able to do everything and he was doing me a favour to look after his own DC or the family home. He liked me to the hard work behind the scenes and then take credit in public roles. Eg I would collate and provide evidence (and pay for SEN solicitors) for DS2 re EHCP but then he would meet with the head because I had to stay with DS1 with severe needs but then refuse to tell me the outcome and brag that he was assumed to have produced the paperwork provided by me. He didn't correct them and derided my weakness.

He had loved bombed me so much in the early stages that I took my validation from him and believed him when he said I was weak and worthless and when he claimed that the nursery worker that saw my child (plus others) for 3 hours a day was now the primary carer I was devastated. But it was all lies and half truths designed to make me feel worthless. I remember a women's aid worker telling me so but I was so enmeshed I still felt a failure.

A list of your so called failings is designed to make you feel worthless if it is done in secret with a desire to stay in the relationship. He can just leave. He doesn't need to do this. Does he want to leave or is this an instrument of control?

Regardless of what he wants I think you should leave for your own sake and that of your DC. You are still young. I'm much older and can't imagine ever having another relationship but my DC are much happier now we have split and they are out of that toxic dynamic.

A lot of these types of post it comes out that the husband agrees with Andrew tate. Definitely a huge red flag.
Maybe you should start a list about him!

if it was not for the media i would never of heard of him , and im guessing many other people would not have either