Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!?

So he knows going forward he won’t be doing things he should be doing and intends to whip out his phone and recite his list of things he believes you should’ve done but didn’t like being solely responsible for shopping, when that is just as much his responsibility. He plans to be unreliable, shirk responsibility for that and be vindictive.

It’s a rotten approach to relationship but I think it’s really bizarre too. What a petty little man!

but then why do other people also make lists ?

yes they may not write them down but many times on mumsnet its 1,2,3,4 etc ?

or should no one make lists and instead try to help each other become better ?

@LucasNorth1 I make lists to remind myself to do things, not to make other people feel bad.
At no point was anything on the list raised to me as an issue.

i was refering to the general readers of mumsnet as many times on threads people list things there oh has or has not done

I would be keeping my head down and doing everything I could to get myself into the best position possible to divorce in your shoes OP, I couldn't live with that level of contempt for very long. Find yourself a good divorce solicitor and start lining up those ducks so you're several steps ahead of him at every stage, this man is not on your team and you should no longer be on his. I'm so sorry, what an awful thing to discover about someone who is supposed to love you

I'm inclined to agree with @Clownwithafrown, if you challenge him on this op you will alert him to the fact that you might be considering jumping ship and then he will be looking for ways to out maneuver you.

I'm sorry op. I'll echo others and say that your marriage is not worth carrying on with. You will do so much better on your own. He will probably be as obstructive as he can initially , but don't let that stop you moving forward.

As a side note , he sounds like exh. When I divorced him one of the reasons I gave was his controlling behaviour. He agreed to the divorce but attached a note saying that he disagrees that he was controlling as he babysat and allowed me to go to a day long event once.

These men have to be seen to be believed op , the entitled behaviour is beyond ridiculous.

Haven’t read the entire thread but YANBU. I would email that list to myself and then when I do something like cook dinner I would tell my DH - I’ve cooked a meal so you can cross that off your list.

It’s over. He doesn’t respect you. Doesn’t sound like he even likes you, you’re lower than the shit on his shoe in his eyes. You need to leave.

It sounds like he’s getting his ducks in a row.. sorry op

And he’ll likely make the divorce as hard as possible to spite you but you must be strong. I bet nothing will get his back up more than you not rising to it and not being upset.

You can get through this and you will be happier to have him out your life. No one deserves being treated with such utter contempt by anyone let alone the person who is supposed to love them.

My sister’s husband did this except he wrote it all down in a special book he hid under their bed. There was obviously other stuff going on but it was the straw that broke the camel’s back! Awful way to behave and very upsetting.

Of course, Ive read worse on here...

And i know he's not being directly violent or shouting cunt in your face.

But in some ways this is worse. Dishonest, passive aggressive, full of contempt for you. The Shakespeare thing is awful... (if someone treated my dd like that I'd be devastated)

He's so horrible that I can't help feeling that without him you'll be a new woman.

It’s so underhanded and the thing with the kids and Shakespeare is awful

Decades ago DH and I watched a documentary about couples having therapy. One woman kept books where she had written down everything she perceived her DH to have done wrong. She absolutely refused to accept that this was weird and unhealthy. Every time her DH did something that upset her she'd read these books to help work herself up into a state of righteous indignation. By the end of the programme their marriage was over. My DH and I were so affected by this that even now we joke that something is "going in the book'". LTB.

I'd be presenting him with a list of all the ways he is such an arsehole that I am now divorcing him for.

What a prick

That’s so nasty and petty - planning ahead of time to list all your “wrongs”

A broken clock being right twice a day doesn’t mean it’s not broken.

Wow op bloody wow!@ who does he think he is,
So you make a list, all negative tho, god for bid nothing positive, and add you don't need him to explain you don't need to here his reason why, as your going to separate, and add other responsibilities he needs to get on board with, 50/50 until you come to a decision as to how to move forwards, honestly op what a t@@t

I'd be gob smacked if my DH made such a list. It's very petty and bitter.

Does he have trouble with his memory in general? I ask because (and this is being incredibly generous, and not attempting to excuse anything) DH barely remembers events from the day before where I as I can recall everything in precise detail. So arguments about who did what & when are futile as I'm the only one who remembers. Could he be keeping notes to help jog his memory to match your natural ability to remember things that often come up when bickering?

He’s not merely “making lists”, he’s gathering evidence against you presumably to show to other people whether that’s loved ones or the legal system

Get listing @IfIwasablackbird keep a detailed (PRIVATE) log of everything he says and does, you need to build a case against him so that you can get the best outcome.

Thank you for embarrassing me in Starbucks 😂 just literally spat out my drink reading this!

Micromanaging is a form of bullying in The.
Workplace, nevertheless mind a Relationship!

This is what I was posting about earlier, and others have addressed it too. It’s not about lists in isolation, it’s about whether the intention behind making a list is positive/communication-building (as often recommended on MN); or self-protective (as when documenting abuse); or (as in OP’s case), negative and punching down at someone who is already overburdened.