Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

I don't think that everything was lovely - I think he's been treating her like shit for years! Did you actually read the OP's posts at all??!

I’m so sorry OP. In time I hope this will feel like a kindness, that he showed you so clearly his lack of capacity to be in a loving relationship, that you now feel ‘I can’t do this anymore’. A happy future awaits you but this part may not be so easy.

I’d give him a list of all the reasons he’s a cunt

What the fuck?!?!

Who gets to decide what is 'your job' to allow him to write the fucking list in the first place?!? I assume he's 'allocated' you a tonne of shitty wife work that he's perfectly capable of doing himself but notes it down on his pathetic little list when his 'appliance' has failed?!

I'd be having a very serious think about divorce as this shows such a huge imbalance / level of disrespect I don't think I could get past it.

I think the list is his own private matter on his own private phone. He is absolutely entitled to it. I would also not apologise for anything that I consider deeply private.

I also believe that the list is not out of nowhere. But OP in her rage doesn't want to look at the whole picture and reassess what actually happening and what is in her best interests.

The episode with the Shakespearean play is actually much more concerning and is simply mean not only to OP but to their daughter.

If I were you I'd find the best lawyer you can and leave it up to them. In all likelihood neither of you will have the house, so I'd get used to that idea now. It will take him a lot longer, I'm sure.

How old are your children?

@Nanny0gg and I am sure it goes down brilliantly when it is presented to the other person.

Lists like this are horrible. My mum brings lots of joy and laughter to my parents relationship but my dad does more household chores as he is more physically energetic. How do those things stack up on a list? My mum would be hurt because she would feel her work in the house was not valued and my dad would feel upset because he might think he was seen as the duller one (neither is true). In my view, no good can ever come out of making lists.

Yeah when MNetters suggest women write those lists about what each does in the household it’s very different.

They are meant to be a way of opening up discussion with the aim of bringing about change, so the person can say for example - look DP, list A is way longer than List B, we both work full-time let’s move things around so it’s equal. And this is usually only suggested where someone partner is refusing to accept his belief that they do roughly the same amount is false. If they were able to resolve it with just a chat they would do that first no doubt.

They’re never just meant to be drawn up for women to stare at in their phone and get enraged.

I think he’s planning to leave Op and this ever growing list is what he will use to assuage his guilt because we all know men hate feeling guilt at discarding their wives but they don’t hate it enough not to do it .

He’s a Nasty little points scorer. People don’t do this to those they like and respect.

Holy moly he is a truly horrible person.
this would be a deal breaker for me.
I’m so sorry OP

He sees the relationship as transactional and sees nothing wrong with doing so. He sounds very damaged to hold such views and I would be reviewing whether I want to stay with this man if I were you.

Gosh, so sorry OP. I just wanted to add to everyone else's comments that this is an absolutely horrible thing for him to have done, completely out of order and very telling of the way he sees you, and probably women in general by the sound of it.

I hope you're able to leave him. You deserve respect. I'd be presenting him with a list of all the reasons why he was a shit husband as a parting gift!

We also miss the context. E.g., with the run on the list. It is two different things if OP asks 'Is it OK if I go for a run" vs "I go for a run, you stay with DD". The second one can be treated as bossy and can piss a person off. The first one is just being nice and be considerate.

Again with the chores we don't know whether OP believes that only she can do the things to the right standard and in the only best way and keep repeating it and keep repeating how useless the other half is. It is natural then that the second side will make a list to have arguments against the claim.

You should buy him a version of the burn book

Wow, he’s a spiteful cunt isn’t he? A spiteful cunt who is entirely incapable of aiming his Gaze of Judgement upon his own vast shortcomings.

If you post in relationships Op you’ll get advice and support from lots of knowledgeable people to help you navigate a divorce.

He's THAT petty and self-centred. With such an eye opening experience I'd have to seriously question being able to move forward.

He's not on your side at all. What's the point in him?

I wouldn't be able to see him in the same way again after something like this. Dealbreaker.

I have no idea, I don't know the man and neither does anyone telling the OP to blow her family and marriage apart after just the opening post. Maybe he will maybe he won't , going by her subsequent posts, possibly not.

The op does know him, and as an adult will be able to take any advice and put it in the context of any other issues they have in their relationship.

That sounds like my ex husband. He made lists to justify himself having an affair.

My friend’s husband was just like this - she left him 10 years ago and has never been happier!

Context is important though, right? — and as I think about this, I’m partly responding to a disingenuous-sounding question posed above by a different pp, not meaning to jump on you specifically.

Making lists is not inherently hostile. It’s about the intention. Making a list to help you communicate more clearly in a positive way can be helpful. If you authentically want to seek connection and build understanding, that will come across in how you open the conversation.

Making a list to keep your own sense of objective reality straight while you’re experiencing unfair treatment, manipulation, gaslighting or similar could be extremely valuable. Although depending on the situation, it might be safer to keep that kind of list mentally, rather than write it down.

But here the person making the lists, OP’s husband, is doing it secretly as a way to prepare for punching down at a partner who already does more than her fair share of mental load labour and support of others. He’s doing it as ‘prep’ for undermining her so he doesn’t have to share the load of family life.

(This has taken me forever to write bc I was interrupted, sorry if the thread has moved on)

The fact he’s got time to write lists would wind me up no end. It sounds like op is working ft, doing majority of childcare and admin and hasn’t got time to blink let alone write lists.

Hmm. Doesn't seem innocent to me. Why might he have to make a case that you are a no-good person, wife, mother? Why would he think he needed evidence for that? Who is he trying to convince?

My brother suggested this to me when a lot of tiny things were building up.
Hubby found it.
To be fair it was all petty and I realised quickly that if that was all we had to moan about, we were doing well. X
Maybe take the positive from it, it's all petty x