Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

So he has actively spent time and energy focussing on every negative thing, writing it down and compiling it all as a stick to beat you with if you dare to question his lack of involvement in adult life and parenting? Yeah, I would say its over.

The fact that he is spending his free time compiling lists to attack you with rather than considering that maybe he should be a more active husband and father says all you need to know.

Im sorry you found out this way but thank goodness you know that you husband would rather actually sit monitoring you than being a team and a partner.

I hope you have some real life support to talk it through with and get some support from, 20 years is a long time to be with someone and find this out but at the same time, dont waste another 20 years with someone with that little respect for you.

There's a reason the Bible says, "Love keeps no record of wrongs"....

Making lists of jobs done/not done is a technique often advised by mumsnetters as a way of showing a poster’s DH how useless he is. I have always thought it was horrible and would make me want to leave my partner if they did this.

It only shows that your DH is unhappy and wants to pull out examples quick in when arguing with you.
OP, do you argue a lot?
TBH you also do sound as very resentful and unpleasant to your husband in all the replies. So why are you surprised that he is also resentful? At least he keeps it quiet.
If I see the list I would not mention it, but keep in mind that the resentment is growing, and then decide whether to act on it or not.

Overall, you do sound quite bossy and black and white.

I’d be making my own lists

a) what you expect in the divorce
b) all the ways he was a crap husband

Frankly, he's been abusing you for a very long time. And this is just another part of it.

He probably let that list play deliberately. He wants you to know how little he thinks of you so that you feel unloved. As punishment for every time you've not kissed his ass. That's what narcissists do.

See a solicitor and get your ducks in a row before telling him anything.

Be clear with your kids that daddy did not treat you kindly so that's why it is over. They need to know that we do not stay in relationships where people are mean to us. Never excuse his shit behaviour to them. Because they will experience it too over the years. Just tell them you are always there if they need to talk.

He sounds horrible and he probably groomed you seeing as you were so young.

I'd make my own list and I am willing to bet it would be much longer than his, petty bastard!

It sounds like final straw territory to me. Using your child to put you down is just disgusting.

Wishing you all the very best x

I was so horrified I responded in haste and didn’t take sufficient care with your feelings. I apologise.

Please know this behaviour reflects entirely on him. Not you. None of this is your fault.

A loving partner doesn’t make a list like that.

Oh do catch a grip!!

Are you the husband?!

My exh worked away most of the time . He often arrived home while I was still at work so used to go round the house “ checking” and when I got home after work with the DC , he used to list all the things i hadn’t done or hadn’t done properly.
Please note exh .

Sorry, I think you've posted on the wrong thread. That's not what any other poster is reading on this one. Unless you're the husband...

Sounds to me as though he’s been following one of those male influencers.

This is so weird. Just seems like a really ‘off’ thing to do. It’s like the beginning of some psychological thriller not real life. He sounds quite vindictive.

How old are your children?

Does he treat them as badly? Or get them to collude with him?

What thread are you reading?

@NoTouch

What on earth makes you think he'd be prepared to do any more??

And that list was vile

So do you suggest that everything was lovely in the family, all happiness and love, and then suddenly OP discovers this list, completely out of nowhere and shocked how could it possibly happen as she has been a really good partner and blameless for anything?

wtf bossy? were has op been bossy

souns like a gasligter an prick-would love to see this brought up in court-she made me look after my own child!

Yes it’s been a real shock to me the past few years finally realising how many men see women.

OP this is awful, I’m glad you’ve realise the gravity of this situation.

No. A comparison list is suggested

To point out to people like the OP's husband where the imbalance in the relationship is.

🚩
Look after yourself and build a better life for you and your child, OP x

You think what he's done (and how he behaves) is acceptable?

You appear to be in a minority of one here

Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself and DC safe until the day you are ready to leave, contact the Police or serve divorce papers.

For example, in some cases you may need to pretend nothing has changed until the day you enact your Exit Plan.

It may be best to continue to shop, cook and wash his clothes until the day you get rid of him, IF that will keep you and DC safe.
I like the whiteboard list suggestion, but don’t do it if you know his reaction to it is likely to result in him physically abusing you.
Please call the Police each and every time he physically abuses you. Show the Police photos of your previous bruises and also tell them about the emotional and verbal abuse, and coercive control, including any financial coercive control.

Do you work, OP?
Do you have your own bank account he does not have access to?
Start saving as little or as much money as you can. Buying supermarket gift vouchers every time you go shopping is a great way to save money without a controlling partner finding out.

@IfIwasablackbird List:

1. All key documents, including passports in one place.
2. Make appointment with solicitor
3. Ring-fence funds (if you can).
4. Reasons for divorce:

Selfishness Gaslighting Unkindness Minimising Lack of respect Being a WANKER

I am usually the last to say LTB.

Good luck.

It’s a troll.