Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

You will have good days and bad days , it will be very up and down. but you/are doing the right thing.

OP,
He is scum and you know it.
He targeted you as you were barely a child.
I have a daughter of 17 and I have friends with sons of 25, no way would they be near my daughter.
Hd is a sleazy creep to have gone near you.

Text him that he is not to walk into your room without knocking when you are undressed.
Text that you consider it a violation of your privacy and abusive, as you are planning to divorce him.

Please talk to Women's aid for advice and suppport.

You will have a much happier life away from him.
The time will pass, make your plans now.

@IfIwasablackbird I understand , my experience with abusive exh was the same. I was 16 , he was 27. Ironically it was knowing that I'd grown into a responsible adult and parent by age 27 myself that lead me to divorce him. To be chasing 16 year olds , be sleeping on a mattress on the floor and spending most of your money on booze and takeaways at age 27 is disgusting , it took me turning 27 to realise that. And he hadn't changed for the better since then.

@FriendsDrinkBook absolutely. I think he would still be in the house share if we hadn’t met.

Sorry to hear you went through that.

@IfIwasablackbird thank you. And I'm doing well well over a decade later. These experiences do stay with you , but now I'm married to a lovely man that is my best friend and supporter. My kids don't see their dad (exh) any more as he remains an abusive , broke , alcoholic that still slates me to their faces at any opportunity. They are repulsed by him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Time has a funny way of showing everyone the truth. The best piece of advice my excellent solicitor gave me was to be consistent. It's going to be hard , but you have the strength to move forward despite his efforts to clip your wings. And all of us here are supportive of you.

You are going to have ups and downs, good days and bad days, days when you're focused and days when it's daunting. Allow yourself days like this one, sometimes it is what you need. Now you have made the decision it will seem like a long time, but it's nothing to the amount of time you spent with him breaking you down and chipping away at you, and you were string enough to get through that.

100% this would make me question his commitment to family life. He sounds like a bellend.

Nothing wrong with a pj day. You got this. It will be hard but it will be so much better without him and his lists in your life.

Make your own positivity list about liglfe without him and make sure he sees it.

Can I add here that whether he has somewhere to go or not is no longer your concern? You posted up thread @IfIwasablackbird, that he wouldn't have anywhere to go if you were to get the house.
Also you mentioned that you could afford the mortgage yourself, but does that include giving him whatever equity he has built up in the property? If it does, I'd see if I could start that process and discuss that with your solicitor when you get to meet.

Think of him now like a lodger that you have to go through a legal process to remove from the property. I also think that contacting Women's Aid would be a very useful step for you in this process.

OP if you really feel that you must go to couples counselling with him, please go into it with your eyes open.

I would bet my last pot of face cream that I know what he is planning to happen - that the counsellor will take his side and tell you that he has done nothing wrong, that your response is the problem and if you just let it go everything in your marriage will be rosy. It's a standard ploy. A good counsellor will see straight through it but they won't all if he turns on the manipulation and makes out that he is always the reasonable one and you overreact.

I can't see any good coming out of counselling because I'm sure of his agenda. Be careful - and if the counsellor is so bad that s/he tries to make it all your fault, ignore them.

It just feels like he’ll come home making more lists for the counselling to be honest.

I feel sick at the thought of him coming home but he won’t go anywhere else. I have asked.

I can’t just uproot the kids and go elsewhere because of the youngest’s needs.

It will be ok. I’ve just never felt such lethargy from feeling so down.

It won't make you feel any better to see it as a marathon rather than a sprint , but do use this information to try to pace yourself. Create space where you can , get out and make your own plans , give yourself a break.

Put it this way , you either spend this year in limbo with freedom on the horizon or you waste your precious life tolerating his crap and remaining his wife. Your choice is the correct one.

And wrt his behaviour , try not worry about it too much. Expect stupid , expect petty , and expect that he will not want this to be easy for you. An abusive person will only have the energy to do this for a while though , he'll meet his next victim and you will breathe a sigh of relief. People like him can't function alone so he's probably already scrolling though his phone contacts or sm for the next one.

I wouldn't be happy about this at all it's utterly unnecessary and I wouldn't accept that sorry you found that

@FriendsDrinkBook it would genuinely be a relief if he found someone new and just left.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone though.

I think you just need to see the solicitor and file for divorce. You are done. You don't need his permission or his agreement to move forward with the divorce. When you see the solicitor it would be worth discussing a child arrangement order.

I think individual counselling will benefit you far more than couples counselling.

@IfIwasablackbird yes , once the love has gone you just don't care any more.

Exh had a new 'partner' about 3 months after I left him. She was one of his friends. I'd even met her a few times at gatherings.

Hopefully you'll have some space soon too. These types are all the same really.

I'd like to say a few things about a child arrangement order. I'm no legal expert , this is merely my experience just under 20 years ago.

So I had no choice but to get one as I had to remove the children from him due to threats of him taking them away from me if I dared to attempt to leave him. I had to get a a prohibited steps order so that he couldn't carry out his threats , then go on to hash out a child arrangement order in court. He used that child arrangement order as a stick to beat me with , he neglected those children , they cried when I had to send them to him , but I had no choice as it was all there in black and white. He also would try to physically intimidate me during handover. It was torturous for the kids and myself.

My advice is to avoid this order unless he is making threats. If he's not interested in the children then just let it be. That way you're not packing them off for a weekend of chaos every other week then having to pick up the pieces when they return.

Please remember that yes a divorce will take way too long versus what you deserve which is immediate freedom BUT you survived 20 years with this man and really sound very sane and balanced for someone who has gone through that, you are clearly resilient enough to make it through a divorce. Say what he wants to hear for counselling and keep quietly pressing on with the admin of the divorce. You are completely entitled to feel sad and upset but keep the logical part of your brain on as well and remind yourself that this period will pass and better things lie out there for you in the future.

@IfIwasablackbird can you imagine anything that he could do that can change your feelings?
When was the last time you were talking to your husband heart to heart?

Based on your updates I actually don't think that couple counseling will go well, it feels like it will just be a waste of time and money with him trying to defend his position and him thinking that he is paying the counsellor to show how unreasonable you are. Also good professional counsellors are a rare breed.

What do you think will be the best outcome for you from this situation? Can you ask him what will his ideal outcome of this situation be?

Hang on in there.

This is the toughest part - making the decision then holding your ground.

He won't leave, so it's up to you to dig your trenches and learn about emotional detachment so that his emotional blackmail washes over you like water off a duck's back.

Once you start divorce proceedings, the log-jam will start to clear and the wheels will be put in motion.

You will be divorced in a few months, and the admin aspect will begin to fall into place.

Stop doing anything for him. All domestic niceties stop now - cooking, washing, blah blah. Separate from him emotionally and practically so that anything to do with him is his own responsibility.

Keep a tidy life for you and the kids. Make your own routine that doesn't include him.

And keep your eyes on the prize: a better life for you and your children without the giant man-baby dickhead who tried to steal your life.

I love a list but this is shocking.

I admire your strength even if you don’t feel strong at the moment.

Thanks everyone.

I got out for a bit with the kids and feel a bit less grim.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.

@HmAndAh his ideal outcome at this point is that I pretend it didn’t happen at all and to go back to doing everything.

The outcome I want is to feel better.

his ideal outcome at this point is that I pretend it didn’t happen at all and to go back to doing everything.

He can fuck right off with that. And you will feel so much better without him.