Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

About a year from start to finish @IfIwasablackbird

How does it work with bags packed? I don’t want to leave the house and he has nowhere to go.

@BirthdayRainbow thank you.

This is deeply weird.

He can move in to another room.

Mine went to his mum's and used to let himself in. My solicitor said I could get an injunction as he'd been living away for months and it wasn't okay for him to let himself in.

Please tell me that once you have seen a solicitor and got advice, you will sit down with him and go through his annual report before firing him. I would also be amending some of his daily positive affirmations with more realistic ones.

Good for you OP in not hanging around.
How absolutely mind-numbingly pathetic.
We all write lists in our head when we are a bit pissed off. I often I say mine aloud. And then you’ve let it out.
But putting them on a phone list? And so bloody petty?
Well, if you felt any sort of attraction or connection in the past I’m sure he has now killed that.
Pass him on to someone who does spreadsheets about wrongs family members have done to them - I’ve seen one of those and it was immense.
’Brother joined scouts and got uniform and weekly fees. His net weekly gain was 40p.’ And he’d added up every single item. This ‘man’ is a pillar of the community, affable and personable, but behind closed doors was an absolute weapon.
Pity the poor woman who gets this idiot next.
The ladies on here are usually dealing with men unable to control their lusts, not their lists - not sure which one is worse?!

Sounds like he’s drafting the opening act of The Script.

Hope that’s not the case OP.

My first reaction is that he’s a knob and I’d make your own list and leave it on the kitchen counter for his eyes only 😂

“Paunch
Receding hairline
Query ED (prescription for viagra?)
Start of moobs
Hint of double chin
Less focus on personal hygiene
Is Manopause a thing?”

Whenever he is away, we’re all happier. The house is cleaner, the kids are calmer, it’s just much nicer.

That says everything @IfIwasablackbird . This is a bad marriage. Good on you for deciding you're not going to live like this.

He'll get a shock if he thinks he can dictate the terms of the divorce, because that isn't how it works.

Good advice. I really feel for you OP. I can totally understand why you feel hurt and upset; this is nasty indeed.
You need to communicate how you feel

My ex-fiancé's mother kept a list of my perceived failings over the course of four years. He didn't think there was anything wrong with that. He's an ex.

I’m wondering if you do often confront each other or you towards him - about things not done. He obviously feels he needs to be able to defend himself.. you make it sound like it’s out of the blue but it seems an extreme behaviour to undertake if there’s no history here. So I suspect there might be. I also suspect your relationship is more rocky than you are aware of. Whether he’s right or wrong morally and however hurt you are, I think youve got some serious talking to do between you. He is not happy that is obvious- I wondered about you? You don’t really say. Does he fall short of what you want? I expect yes.. x

Oh, word. 😭😭😭

honeslty, it is a dealbreaker. That’s just pathetic. ,

Nice comment from him about not paying the mortgage - really showing you what a selfish cunt he is. He is not your friend.

Firstly, I have just read most of the thread and all of your posts OP and I am INCREDIBLY impressed with how brave and clear thinking you are being - you really are an amazing woman, that comes across clearly. And I suspect that one day quite soon you will be very very pleased you found that list, and that it kick-started your bid for freedom.

Now, I have written lists about ex partners (and my current one) before, but these have been at crisis points, when I have been trying to work out whether the relationship is worth saving - so there might be a list of positive things and a list of things I would need them to change. I did actually show the latter to my husband a little while ago, along with a list of things I had identified I needed to work on myself, and I feel like it really helped us both, and he did respond positively (I did ask him if he wanted to read it).

BUT they were big picture things like how we communicate, how we do finances etc, not things like one of us doing the washing up badly on a particular occasion.....

However, it did make me wonder, could your husband have been thinking of leaving you? Even possibly speaking to a counsellor who might have suggested he do this? But if he is a very literal type of thinker, he might have done it in this almost petty degree of detail?

In many ways it doesn't matter either way, as it sounds like you are clear in your decision - and I truly wish you all the best.....

Make a to do list of things you're going to do starting tomorrow, and show him.

1. go to solicitors and file divorce
2. gather up his shit and put outside

He didn’t plan on leaving. I think he knows deep down nobody else will put up with this.

And you won’t, either 🙂.

@babyproblems sometimes when I’m completely burnt out I ask him to do stuff or will say I have done x, y and z today, please could you do task whatever.

Keep in mind this is someone who refuses to vacuum, clean floors, clean bathrooms or toilets, will only take bins out if asked etc etc.

What a wake up call awaits this man! Good luck OP rising like a phoenix while he stumbles around in shock. X

He sounds petty and dreadful and like you will be much freer and happier without him.

Unfortunately I think your best strategy is to stay put. Refuse to move out. I expect he won't move out either.

Have you told him yet? If not, wait until you have gathered all the financial documents: his pension(s), his bank accounts and savings and any investments, any other property, receipts for any big home improvements lately and how they were paid for. This is because you can expect him to try and avoid giving you a fair financial settlement.

After you have told him that you are divorcing him, you will have to live separately in the house. Is there a spare bedroom? Can you move in with one of the kids, or have them share for a while? Can you sleep on the sofa?
Living separately means doing no jobs for him - don't share meals, don't do his laundry. Consider separate food cupboards.
Close any joint accounts.
Discuss which days he will be responsible for the children and which you will. If he thinks he wants 50/50 parenting, to avoid paying maintenance, that starts NOW, so nail down exactly which mornings, evenings, and days at the weekends he will have full responsibility, including shopping and cooking for them.
It will be miserable for everyone, but it will be worth it in the end.

betchu his star sign is "cancer"
whats he wanna ado that for?arsehole. double aarsehole leave to be seen...
bin that. hes mental-
or at least demand he scribes sid lists in style of satirical romantic poet (whos not getting any for a guid while)
arsehole

Good one 😀