Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

Of course he is as he see’s nothing wrong with it, that’s your biggest problem, that he thinks it’s normal to do this. It’s not

Honestly OP, you will get masses of excellent advice on here as you go along. You might need it. He doesn't sound like the sort to just roll over but no matter. Once you get the ball rolling, it can only go one way.

It sounds like he will live in squalor. Lovely. : /

I hope it goes well with the solicitor op. If you've got the energy to do so please let us know how it goes.

So please don't make revenge lists, don't stoop to his level, imagine if he showed the kids!!

I am not going to read 13 pages.

A few years ago, I felt underappreciated.
So wrote lists myself, of stuff I did in the average week.
Well actually, I wrote all the chores and put them in daily, weekly, yearly.
I composed it over about 1 month, and then presented it to him.

I then waved the lists in front of him, every so often, when he "forgot" how much there is to be done, in running a household.

The length of the list even surprised myself.

Yes another man who wants all the perks of a housewife but also her full time wage. I'm so sorry you have been treated this way.

I cannot find any way into his headspace on this. Absolutely no part of me can understand why you would keep a list of ‘misdemeanours’ on your phone.

It sounds trivial at first but it’s actually given me chills. There’s no good intention, kindness or love in this.

No real advice Op about from the obvious- LTB. I read your first post open mouthed, he makes lists of what he considers your failings as ammunition for later? He met and married you too young Op, 8 years difference in ages is nothing when you're 30/40's but 17/25 is all wrong, the power balance there is all out of whack. He probably thought a nice young girl would be easier to control, easier to mould you into the wife he wanted- unfortunately for him you've changed, matured, you're not the pushover you were and he doesn't like that.
Like I said - LTB

I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling right now, you are doing the right thing.

This was my first thought. It does sound to me like he is writing down every thing that he percieves as a problem to weigh up if it is worth leaving.

It does feel like he's listing 'faults' as though he's trying to get ammo to leave. So sorry you are going through this

Please show us your list of his failings

Its called " the straw that broke the camels back", just one step too far. If he is stonewalling you when you try to discuss it and if he is preparing lists for scapegoating before anything has happened, then he isn't looking for resolution, he is looking for dominance and capitulation.

That is not what a relationship is about and in fairness, you need to leave the relationship if he sees no problem with this as you children will grow up thinking this is the norm. What you are telling them and what they see in the relationship between you and your husband is two different things.

Don't tell him you have booked the appt with a solicitor, gather up copies of all your documents, change passwords on accounts, email addresses etc I have only read your comments, not everyone elses but do you both work, is the house owned or a rental and can you afford to stay in the home with the kids? Will he go quietly - I suspect not as he sounds like a controller, my way or the highway, "you are out of your mind"...is the rhetoric I would expect from him and you will be solely responsible for devasting the children's lives. Be prepared for this but understand this attitude of his is not a healthy environment for you and your children to live in and he needs help.

Waste of time as it's no fault divorce now..

Please read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. It's a life changing book.

I just wanted to say I think you’re being really brave and handling this shit situation with a lot of grace.

I suspect he’s tracking when you have sex (and probably more importantly - to him - when you’ve turned him down).

Nobody deserves shit like that. It’s very contemptuous, and would be whichever of the partners in a relationship was doing it.

That's awful 😞

I'd flat out thank him for making the lists. And showing you what a small, petty, narcistic man he is so you don't waste the rest of your life on him.

Get a fucking good solicitor and divorce his sorry arse.

Life is too short for this petty behaviour. Who keeps score, anyway??

Your life without him in it is going to be so unimaginably great. You're going to wonder how you stuck it out so long without getting a patio.

He really sounds just frighteningly awful. That's so creepy and nasty. It sounds like you've never been heard in 20 years of being together. I'm very glad you've decided to walk away, like you say you'll be much happier without.

He’s not daft though, he’s already made a comment about not paying my mortgage until the kids are 18. 🙄

In some good news I have checked with my bank and even if he had half the equity from the house, I could still have the mortgage on my salary alone. However, I think he would rather force a sale than me and the kids staying settled. We shall see.

How long does divorce take?!

I cannot stand being in the house with him.

I almost never advocate divorce on any of these threads but honestly OP, I can't see your marriage ending well at all.

Writing secret lists of all the things he resents and holds against you is frankly as bad as it can get. He's spending private time dwelling and ruminating, basically hating you.

It's good you're seeing a solicitor. Get copies of your bank accounts, all financials in fact and start thinking about what living arrangements might look like going forward. Do all of these things quietly, be ready to act (have bags packed) when you decide to talk to him about divorce.