Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

I overheard a conversation recently where someone asked a woman how she was, and she replied amazing, wish she'd done it sooner! I thought she meant a holiday of a lifetime, or moving to her dream house. Nope. She was talking about divorcing her husband and she honestly sounded so great. I can't quite explain it, but I hope you feel the same one day.

I nearly laughed at "It won’t shock anyone to learn he’s one of those who writes positive affirmations about himself."
i am so glad you are at the its done part.
not glad but yknow -keep it rel.
i know this dance/and yet i never know it.
i dont wnt to scare you but you need to buckle up.
(Narc is probli accurate.)
he hates you because you are everything he is not.
do NOT underestimate what he is capabale of.once the colors are fully out,
see solicitor asap,get things moving. he will "lame blame"you lie and deny.
let him do him.he cant see beyond tht anyway

OP I think you have an amazing life to come when you get out of this situation!

Hi OP, he sounds insufferable and like you have an extra child to look after. He will have a shock once he's got to do basic life tasks by himself. Most teenagers do more than it sounds like he does. As others have said, this isn't right, you deserve so much better, and you might have had 20 years with him but you've got your whole life ahead of you and it's going to be great.

@IfIwasablackbird I can't believe you've spent so much of your life with such an awful person.

You'll no doubt find it like a new lease of life once you're on your own with the kids!

Good luck to you!

As for the living situation, I'd suggest he goes to rent his own place for now. If he refuses, is there somewhere you and the kids can go?

Glad you're finally recognising that he's treating you like shit.

Eh? All cancerians don't pull their weight at home and list any spousal alleged misdemeanours?

God this is awful. You may be too far in to realise how bad, OP.

Yeah, true colours coming out even more.

He won’t give me privacy, just walks into the room I’m sleeping in, I asked him not to so he did it repeatedly and when I asked for
him not to be scoffed at me.

I don’t have anywhere to move into and don’t think it would be a good idea to be honest. I need the equity from this house to buy another.

One of our children has significant disabilities as well, so it would be very hard to move them.

Could you fit a lock to your bedroom door?

@ClockworkDisaster not really due to the children.

Sleep in one room with the kids, maybe? Keep everyone safe together.

It makes sense for him to move out but it sounds like he won't go and you can't force him. But do you have friends or family who could be at the house more often? That might encourage him to move out as it will be less comfortable for him.

As pp have said, if he refuses to move out then you do nothing for him - no meals, washing, nothing. If he has the kids, you go out. He will probably move out quickly if you stick to this.

Be careful, though. He could become violent. Be prepared to call the police the second he does anything - punches a wall, throws something. Stay safe at all costs.

What a wierd thing to do. Is he incapable of other forms of communicating?

This is definitely about control. Have you told him you want him out or does he still think this is a little tiff that will blow over if ignored.

My dh isn't like this thank god but my ds goes to a all boys school. If he mentioned AT I quickly came back with how we could ensure his little sister grew could grow into a man pleaser for her husband's delight. That shut it right down and changed his view immediately. All of the silent compliant cleaning sex workers for no pay have to come from somewhere. Our daughters. Our sisters and what dad doesn't want his sister or daughters being told to work full time, do all the housework. Put up, shut up and give sex with no affection on demand? Because it's other woman in their mind. Not their woman.

Mind you if AT had daughters he would be raping them and trafficing them too. He would possibly rape and traffic his mum and gran. They are woman after all and exist for his tiny penis.

OP don't let your daughters grow into a subervient peace keepers because their dad has poisoned their minds. Not that it would ever be your fault.

Today he’s doing the if you chose not to forgive me then you’re ripping the family apart but still no remorse about said lists.

Not falling for it.

I suggested he might want to be with someone better so he doesn’t need to make improvement lists. He hasn’t come back to me on that.

@wrongthinker its a good shout. At the moment I work in a spare box room. I might take a couple of days off work when the kids are back to make space for a bed in there.

Op spot on, he doesn't like it, wow, stick to your guns, he starting to worry but again turns it on you,
Try not to engage in conversation with him and if he does , just say, your not continuing with a man who thinks it's OK to have a list ' of bad points' no dinner for him tonight 😀

You're not ripping the family apart. You're just moving the family away from the horrible part of it.

If he says this again then laugh, OP, Say straight out, 'Don't be ridiculous and dramatic. Your problem is that you can't accept that your behaviour and the way you've treated me means that I no longer wish to be with you. That's on you. I'm not going to be gaslit and emotionally blackmailed into putting 'the family' first so that you can continue to be abusive. The marriage is over and I suggest you accept that, rather than making silly comments'.

Men like this hate to be dismissed. But he needs to hear it straight or he'll keep going with the passive aggressive shit and making you the villain.

as little "enngagement"in conversations as possible.he will tlk(probably bleat at times)himself in and back out whilst never acknowledging HE is the issue.
your waste your time expecting...anything far less reasonable
its a game in his mind.
suppose you could ask him to provide a list of things he says and does that are not contributing to the marriage/happy home.
blank page for sure.
its all you.
in his silly head.
its also coercive control.you cbn and i definately think you shoud contact womans id for support.
they will NOT break down your door and drag you +kids to a refuge or exacerbate the situation in any way.
they will have experience and useful resources etc on how to move forward .plese do that

My Ex husband did this as he prepared to get the balls together to ask for a divorce after 26 years so he could 'explore his sensuality' 🤢 Get your ducks in a row OP unless he's wonderful in other ways...