Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

I’ve read your updates, I think just leave, he sounds awful.

I've done my usual of reading all the OP's posts and the last 2 pages.

I don't remember seeing this but - did you get a copy of the lists, OP?

This is one of the shittest things I've read in a while.

It's like the pros and cons list you write to make yourself feel better AFTER you have dumped someone.

Anyone who thinks Andrew Tate is anything less than a complete fucking lunatic is beyond help. You need to get yourself and your children away from this inadequate excuse for a man as soon as humanly possible. He looks down his stupid nose at you and treats you like shit to make himself feel better. What a fucking contemptible creep. Good luck at the solicitor x

Good for you op. Get out of this shit relationship. Hopefully you will meet someone who worships you. Let him see how his daughter views him in a few years when he’s a full blown Tate sympathiser. This is probably recommended by one of those bloggers to keep a list of your partner’s flaws. Out of interest when did you meet him if you got together when you were 17?

I'm so sorry, OP, what a terrible thing to discover about your partner. In your shoes, I would be seeing a divorce lawyer too. Wishing you the very best x

Your 9 year old will be OK with you as a parent. Ds2 was 9 when I left dh1. He's a good dad and ok man though. Other reasons why we split. Your dd will be better off away from him as much as possible.
Have you jotted down all the crap he's spouted? Any outbursts? Be good to have info for the solicitor. Glad you made an appointment.

Sorry if someone else posted this and I missed it but is he on the list of mistakes you've made?....

What a nasty, gaslighting shit.

There is a much better life waiting for you and your children on the other side of divorcing an abusive bully.

@WoolySnail haha, thank you for a touch of comic relief there.

It won’t shock anyone to learn he’s one of those who writes positive affirmations about himself.

You sound just like me, had very similar type of husband who would shut down any conversation about things he wasn’t doing, would pick on me, put me down, only cared about how much money I was making.

i lost myself, stopped wearing makeup / buying nice clothes etc. Started to get counselling, started to look after myself and got my confidence back and he hated it and had an affair.

You will be so much happier without him, I realised when he went away like you say, house was calmer and we were all happier.

its the best thing being divorced, years later i don’t stop being grateful to no longer be married to him.

He sounds like a narcissist and I suspect he’ll use the kids against you in the divorce, if you’re happy with 50/50 that will make it easier. Apply the grey rock approach, read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that and keep asking on mumsnet for support.

Best of luck x

Either he’s thinking of leaving and has made the list to use against you in divorce proceedings, or he’s keeping the list for future reference in case you split. Either way, that and the refusal to even discuss it, would be a deal breaker for me. I’d be getting my ducks in a row and screenshotting that list, so he can’t deny it. He’s immature, petty, cruel, and to be honest it doesn’t sound as though he even likes you. Why would you want to stay with someone like that ?

Thanks for all the support today everyone. It’s been a pretty shitty time.

I appreciate it.

This is how you think of yourself and it’s all him. Don’t think of the last 20 as lost, think of them as the learning curve that led you to where you are now. And don’t look at the next 20 years as less shit, but as an opportunity to find yourself again, do some healing and resolve never again to rely on anyone else for your happiness. Your kids will be fine too OP - they’re living with this now, and it will be much better for all of you when you’re away from him and this weight is lifted.

the only way to counter this is to make longer more detailed lists. And divvy up the jobs and tell him these are his jobs and you will be marking him out of 10.

Divide up all life admin etc etc, right down the middle. don't help him out if he forgets.

Or just leave.

for sure, leave. But give him all the lists first. OP will be doing him a favour because he is clearly clueless.

Up until you divorce I wouldn't do a single thing for him. No groceries, no cooking, no laundry, no minding the children so he can go for a run. He can add those to the list. I'd be very clear that you are looking at 50 50 with the DC so he'll have to do all the work of parenting during his time.

He sees you as staff and he's gathering ammunition. What a petty minded horrible person he is.

Gosh sounds like my dickhead ex, it's so much easier being free of them because you don't carry the resentment or fear anymore.

I would think it's easier for the OP to largely carry on as she is house wise, whilst making arrangements to leave - most of what we do food and laundry wise revolves around the kids and it's actually quite stressful to see it all building up because you are taking a stance. Obviously don't actively do anything to help DH. She will be out soon enough without a war footing for the kids to witness.

Edited for typo

Your husband is so strange!

Think it's time you started making lists too. Why not leave lists lying around or make a rota where all jobs are shared out equally.

17 AND 25??? OP, i'm sorry, but you were groomed :(

You know the bit i could never get past ? The "had to watch child 2" That one sentence tells you all you need to know about how he thinks and feels about you and his children. Would i hell live under the same roof as him.

@idkbroidk in his defence I was in the pub so he would have assumed I was 18. I looked older.

I just hate having to be in the house with him until this is sorted.

He’s of the opinion I’m being totally unreasonable about it.

The kids will adapt. It’s normal to think they won’t cope but most of the time the kids are happy to be in a peaceful home. I always wished as a kid that my parents would split up. Might seem odd but I still feel it now when I’m a couple of years off 50, but coming home and not knowing what kind of atmosphere there will be, I just hated it. You’d have a great day with friends and come in and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Even young kids pick up on that.

Even taking the kids out of the equation, you deserve someone who will pull their weight and appreciate you, not sit writing a list of what he thinks you should be doing. It really is one of the worse things I’ve read on here too, as it’s just so unbelievable that he’s keeping scores on what he thinks are women jobs. So if you have a go at him, he’s going to consult his list. Please God come on here in a couple of months and tell us you’ve left this pig of a man.