Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

I think id keep a list for a few days

every single time he goes out anywhere but work - you watched the child/ren
every laundry load, every time you wash up, cook dinner,

But then id think, actually im an adult

sit down with him and divide the chores, divide free time up so you look after your own children whilst the other person does something fun

@HmAndAh I feel less like I’m going mad and over reacting. The validation wasn’t for who is wrong and right, nobody is winning in this situation.
I did like him, but I don’t think I can any more. Can you imagine living with someone and never know when they’re adding something to their list like that?
The things on the list are ludicrous too, like writing I was existing too loud.
There’s just no trust.

As he's so fond of equality, make a list of all household tasks that you do and that he does, and propose to him that you agree a fair share that takes into account things like earning but also mental load around keeping everyone happy and well, etc. Points out that his lists show that he's keen on fairness, this is just making it a bit more complete. If he isn't prepared to agree to a fair share, that tells you all you need to know.

I have made an appointment with a solicitor.
He knows I’ve seen it as I asked, why would he do that.
We don’t generally bicker and I don’t pull him up on how little he does as he will never acknowledge it, ever. Just shuts me down in a ‘sorry that’s how you feel but I don’t believe that’ way.

Whenever he is away, we’re all happier. The house is cleaner, the kids are calmer, it’s just much nicer.

I imagine after that amount of time together, and knowing no other relationship because you were only 17 when you got together, it must be pretty devastating to discover he holds you in such contempt.

I'm so sorry, OP. You deserve so much better than this.

@ClockwiseHoneysuckle I have tried to list before but he believes the floors don’t need sweeping, vacuuming or cleaning, so therefore he won’t do it.

Hang on a minute, this guy is an Andrew Tate fan?

Correct.

Part and parcel of the smear campaign.

Imagine your new life.
Calm home
No one making lists about your so called faults.

Good luck OP

This reminds me of an episode of Black Mirror where everyone’s conversations are recorded so they can relive all their arguments.

The man is a fool who does not value you or your relationship highly enough. One litmus test is to ask “would you share this behaviour with a friend?” If they are embarrassed by it you know they know it is wrong.

Wow.

Existing too loud.

That sounds like a threat to your life.
I would inform the police.

Get him out, get a court order to keep him away and tell them you are fearful of his state of mind.

The bastard is trying to scare you.

@ImSoExited he didn’t write that, I meant that’s how I feel.
Like having my hair cut being a thing at all.
I’m very low maintenance beauty wise. Don’t even wear make up anymore.

This for definite!

OP, I feel sad for you. That's a horrid mean and nasty way of treating a partner. Time to hatch a plan to leave him do you think?

Just another voice of support, OP. leave him, be happy, don't look back.

@Enigma52 yeah, it’s obviously sad to feel I’ve lost 20 years in a largely unhappy relationship but maybe the next 20 will be less shit.
My 9 year old will find it really hard, younger one won’t I don’t think.
As people have said though, it’s not good for her to see this all unfold. I am ashamed to say it but I’ve even said to her before that a husband shouldn’t expect you to do everything in the house, I don’t want her thinking this is normal. 😞

@IfIwasablackbird yes, it's very sad and i feel for you. A partnership should be just that; tasks divided equally and playing to one another's strengths. I hate motor way driving, but DP enjoys it. He hates cooking, I like it and so on.

Do you have support in RL? The kids will be okay eventually I am sure. They are usually pretty robust. Children need to see parents take an equal role in parenting and life admin etc, not everything being left to one person.

Hang on in there, you can hopefully eventually carve a nice life for yourself and DC, without the need for a " list freak" in your life 🌸🌺

You poor sausage. In the words of Bridget Jones he's a nasty bastard.

Get out and put you and your DC first. He really doesn't like you.

This is truly awful. No wonder you feel on edge in your own home. You have so much more life ahead of you. I hope you spend it marvelously happy and with someone who deserves you. Even if it is you!

I am glad your leaving him, OP. Who needs such comtempt from their "partner".

He is unbelievably petty. I have never seen score-keeping taken to such an extreme. And I believe you are right, he is keeping these lists to throw in your face in case you say something he doesn't like.

Well, he can enjoy his dirty floors when he has to do it all himself.

He doesn't like, love or respect you, OP

He's also up to something. Don't be fobbed off. What is he planning?

He probably has the fact you don't wear makeup anymore on some other misogynistic list.

Good luck , it might get harder before it gets better but I promise you it WILL get so much better you won't even know yourself and the relief will be instant.
Keep your head focused on the end goal, you can do this.
X

YNBU and I seriously hope you sent yourself copies or screen images of those lists so that you can use them against him, as you say yourself @IfIwasablackbird that a lot of chores around the home are not gender specific and looking after kids while you got your hair done, well, most people would consider that to be called being the parent in charge. Why he even felt that was necessary to note down, I don't know.

Stay strong!