Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

Probably the ‘D’ H

OP, like many other people posting on this thread, I feel uneasy for you. I'm trying to imagine what level of resentment and seething account-keeping must have motivated him to make these lists. I think you're right to recognise how hateful his behaviour is and to start your exit plans.

My only other suggestion would be to ask if you could persuade him to see a therapist for couples therapy? Otherwise you're going to spend the rest of your life wondering, whether you leave him or not, what this was all about.

Nearly 20 years ago my mum died and my siblings and I had to get together to sort out her will and dispose of her house and property. My sister was difficult about it and made a sad situation even more horrible than it should have been. We managed to get her to come to a couple of sessions with a therapist whom we called a mediator to work out the way forward, and while in the therapy session she pulled out a long list of 'sins' we'd committed since she was a child. Everything you can imagine, from not sharing sweets to getting her something she didn't like for Christmas. The therapist was able to reassure me and my brother that this wasn't normal behaviour and to cut a long story short my sister was later diagnosed as having a personality disorder. She is still ruddy difficult to deal with and holds a lot of stuff against us, but we've learned coping strategies. Understanding what's going on can help you decide what to do next.

@IfIwasablackbird ,
What outcome do you want? What outcome do you think will be best for you and your family out of this situation?

You got a lot of validation of your feelings.
You got a lot of LTB advice, do you think divorce is best for you? Do you like your husband? Or at least did you like him before the list?

It’s like the exact opposite of ‘gratitude’ lists that self help programmes encourage you to write at the end of each day!

ah with that context i can understand your points, much appricated

Isn’t the basis of a partnership that you ‘prefer one another in love ‘ in other words that you think well of each other and work together to iron out any problems. He is not doing this at all, rather he is secretly working against you and keeping a record of your ‘wrongs’. In fact one of the readings often read at weddings says ‘love keeps no record of wrongs ‘ and he literally doing just that No wonder you feel so hurt and uneasy

This is awful. I'd make a point by writing a list of all the things he didn't do just to make a point.
Didn't get the kids up
Didn't supervise their teeth cleaning
Didn't help them to get changed
Didn't get them breakfast
Didn't go shopping
Didn't sort out lunch
Didn't clean the bathroom
Didn't vacuum anywhere
Didn't was any dishes after breakfast or lunch
Didn't book dentist appointments
Didn't check homework

And so I'll n

OP, it is seriously time to start quietly getting those ducks in a row. Your husband is a toxic person. Head down, bide your time, get everything lined up and then drop the D-bomb on him.

OP I hope you leave this man and then go on to have a lovely life. Doing whatever things make you happy. That's all I can say because for probably the 1st time on MN, I am lost for words in terms of advice

Leave out a list of his shortcomings in bed?

Your husband is feeling extremely sorry for himself. He clearly didn't expect to have to grow the fuck up when he got married and had children.

I don't think this man likes you, OP. All his resentment at having to adult has been projected onto you.

Do you have a spare bedroom he could move into? Or a doghouse?

Sounds as he wants out and to do this, he's making a list to make him feel good incase he has any guilt. It's to justify what he wants to do to, put you in a bad light so if he feels guilty, he can have a look at his list to make him feel a bit better. Hopefully I am very wrong but don't let this go!!!

Don't ignore that feeling.
Don't try to guess what his intention was.

The Shakespeare thing?
This petty, angry man hates you.

You need to start making a plan to divorce him. Wrap your head and your heart around this as quickly as you are able. Steel yourself.

See a solicitor. Understand your rights and the process.

Do not do marriage counseling. He's a vicious abuser who used the child to hurt you.

Is he Ross?

He isn't making lists to prove you are a bad mother, what judge or normal human reads op went for a hair cut and he had to look after his own child as a key indicator of a neglectful wife and parent?

No one.

Not only was the list specifically made to hurt you but he likely chose the when and how you read it.
This is just another performance to abuse you, to push you down and keep you in your place.

These men don't divorce their wives, they enjoy bullying you, it's their favourite past time because they do not like their wives and they resent all women because they know they need us to do the shitty jobs.

Leave him op, get some therapy and live the rest of your life without this man and his abusive behaviour.

I’m going against the grain here to say that maybe he’s at his wits end, ask him in a calm manner what the list is for. He is allowed a thought process, maybe lists help him process things. Reading his lists is like reading his diary, nobody would say that’s a good idea.

That’s a list for a solicitor in case of divorce.

In isolation perhaps but he is being unkind to the OP and trying to make her look small in front of her children. My dh has many faults as do I but we both maintain a strong and united front when the children are there.

I hope you deleted them, so he loses his log.

I’m so sorry this happened but as you say - if it wasn’t just a one off stupid thing but is part of a wider pattern of him putting you down, disregarding your feelings and treating you poorly you need to move on. At least the shock is enough to knock you out of accepting what sounds like it might be an overall pattern of him making you feel terrible and you accepting each small incident because standalone they aren’t enough to end it… sit back and really look at the entire way your are treated by him as a partner - good and bad - without any excuses or rose coloured glasses - and I think you’ll know the answer pretty quickly.

‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

He agreed to the divorce but attached a note saying that he disagrees that he was controlling as he babysat and allowed me to go to a day long event once.

Imagine loathing your wife & kids that much that you would be so petty/stupid.

What a horrible thing to do, If he were my husband I'd tell him what to do with his list, nasty man.

@IfIwasablackbird

What. A. Dick.

Horrendous behaviour/attitude. Run for the hills & be as hardball as you can over the divorce.

You make a list about what your husband has done wrong and give it to him.

I believe the Gestapo were very good at lists too.