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Original poster

Did your parents hug you and tell you they loved you as a child?

162 replies

Tryingtostayawake · 26/08/2024 23:07

Speaking to Dh today and his perfect family (they’re really not!) he said how they all said they loved each other all the time and hugged etc. I told him my parents didn’t, we’d kiss goodnight and I knew they loved me. My Dm even says now that she wished she’d done in more (she tells me she loves me now and hugs me when we meet up/leave each other-I live far away.
Dh said this can really mess people up.
Im v affectionate with Dd and hug her and tell her I love her all the time, I can’t help but not 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wouldn’t say I’m an affectionate person though-only to her and Ddog the most really.
Was anyone else’s family like this? I’m mid 40’s, so the 80’s and 90’s
I remember being away at Brownie camp
for the first time ever away from home for a few days, I was shy so found it hard. When the mums came to pick all the kids up, they all have big hugs and kisses to their kids and I remember seeing my Dm and expecting it and her just coming to me and getting my things, it did really stick with me. My Dm is quite closed And shy though (possibly on the spectrum, but not sure) but still.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtostayawake · 26/08/2024 23:08

*Gave big hugs

OP posts:
Messen · 26/08/2024 23:09

Mine weren’t demonstrative either. They did hug me rarely but definitely weren’t huggers or kissers and definitely did not make declarations of love. My mum says it now but it’s only been in the last 3 years or so and she’s 85 .

RogueFemale · 26/08/2024 23:09

I don't remember either of my parents hugging me or saying they loved me.

Original poster
Tryingtostayawake · 26/08/2024 23:11

Has it messed you both up? Dh seems to think it would

OP posts:
Gardencentrevoucher · 26/08/2024 23:12

Only my dad hugged me. My mum was quite emotionless as a mother, still is. I suspect she is undiagnosed ASD though as she has lots of other traits

tiggergoesbounce · 26/08/2024 23:12

Yes, we were very effectionate and said we loved each other a lot.
And still give my DB and DF a hug and a kiss when we leave.

I am the same with our DS - I tell him about 5 times a day that I love him, but I show him also.
Anyone can say they love you, but its another thing to make another person feel loved.

selly90 · 26/08/2024 23:12

I was never hugged or kissed as a child and my parents never said I love you.
I'm 34 born in 1990.
I make sure I tell my son every day how much I love him and am very affectionate (much to his dismay at times!)

cardibach · 26/08/2024 23:13

There are other ways of showing affection besides hugging.

RM2013 · 26/08/2024 23:13

I don’t really recall mine being particularly demonstrative or telling me they loved me but they most definitely showed it in other ways. I think they’ve become more loving as they’ve got older and they were definitely more hands on with the grandkids

Redglitter · 26/08/2024 23:13

Yes, frequently. I'd say we were hugged lots & both Mum & Dad always said I love you to us at bedtime. My mum still does, she phones every night at bedtime & always finishes the call with an I love you (I'm in my 50s)

IncessantNameChanger · 26/08/2024 23:14

My parents only hugged me when very young. I don't remember them.ever saying they loved me or was proud of me. Dh family are very huggy lovey.

I'm always telling my kis I love them. We all hug. My oldest boy is,always hugging me without any reason. I think it's wonderful. We are all very close and quite open with each other.

BeachHutsAndDeckchairs · 26/08/2024 23:15

Not my mum, no, though I still somehow knew she loved me and despite her temper tantrums sometimes, I knew I was safe with her. My dad - who was divorced from my mum - would tell my eldest sister and I how much he loved us and how gorgeous we were and how proud he was. I hated it because it felt too much. His hugs hurt. I was afraid of him but couldn't explain why because he never hit or even shouted at us. There was always a seething anger below the surface.

Newname71 · 26/08/2024 23:15

My DM and DF weren’t big on hugs and telling us they loved us. Weird though, we always knew we were loved, we always felt loved.
It didn’t affect our relationship with them at all. DF passed away about 3 years ago and we’re very, very close to DM. She’s one of my favourite people to spend time with,

Delilahhhh · 26/08/2024 23:18

This is totally me. Both parents were different but neither said they loved me or physically showed affection. They still don’t. I knew they loved me or could assume they did as they did a lot of practical things for me that took a lot of time and showed they cared but it’s not until I’ve been an adult and had issues around self esteem and anxiety that I’ve started to pin point it on that.

It’s weird because I have young kids now and my parents are affectionate with them but still haven’t actually heard my dad say love you to either of them

lolit · 26/08/2024 23:19

My parents were abusive so no

HerewegoagainSS · 26/08/2024 23:20

I felt loved as a child but there was no physical affection. And now as an adult I am finding that hard.
I lost my gran last year and I struggled so much more because I was craving physical affection for comfort (but at the same time know I wouldn’t have accepted it from family - not after all this time, it would be weird). I used to wrap myself up tight to sleep and imagine someone gently rubbing me on the back to comfort me.
Still grieving. And it only feels not weird being hugged tightly by two people and neither are family.

This situation aside, I have been able to relate to a partner physically in the past. But not as much as he would have wanted.

Enko · 26/08/2024 23:20

Well I grew up in a dysfunctional family set up. Have never heard my mother say she loved me (dead now 9 years so won't ever) nor stepdad my father after my mum died I specifically said it.to him not wanting him to die without saying it and he replied.. "I do you too..I do all you kids" ...

Hugs I got from both parents but not daily or even every time I saw my dad (they divorced when I was 5) my mother's hugs were very conditional only if she was in a good mood.
Did it mess me up?

Idk if it was the lack of saying i love you or the conditional hugs.. a lot of other stuff occurred I suspect was more at fault. Growing up balanced is not dependent on those things if you are made to feel loved in other ways it's likely not damaging.

I've spent a lot of years in therapy and I don't feel what messed me up was those two things. It was the favouring of my siblings by both parents and the fact they both felt it was acceptable I grew up not allowed to do any extra curricular or have pocket money. Not invited on holidays when other siblings had all that.

I will never understand that. So I don't think I love yous and hugs are depending on you not being screwed up.. you can get plenty of those but lots of toxic behaviours in other ways and still end up screwed up

CustardySergeant · 26/08/2024 23:20

No, no hugs or telling me they loved me at all. In fact they made sure that I knew they didn't love me. I felt guilty for costing them money to clothe and feed. I have no self esteem.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 26/08/2024 23:20

No.

Gawdimold · 26/08/2024 23:21

Nope never but I tell our kids constantly

Hazelnutwhirl · 26/08/2024 23:22

No not that I remember, I don’t remember any of my friends families hugging or telling their kids they loved them. I feel like it’s more of a modern thing. I do find hugging awkward because I am not used to it, so never know how to react.

Shortbread49 · 26/08/2024 23:22

No neither of them, they have never paid me a compliment or managed to be interested in me either took me until I was in my thirties to realise that it wasn’t my fault as I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me and it was my fault

PointsSouth · 26/08/2024 23:22

Yes.

SickOfThisSht · 26/08/2024 23:22

Nah my mum was never very huggy and I don’t remember her ever saying the words ‘I love you’. But I did feel loved as she showed her love in other ways. It affected me in that still now I find it awkward to hug my mum too much or tell her I love her although I do try and she seems awkward with it but does try too. But i have absolutely no barriers to telling DD, DP or my brothers i love them and hugging the shit out of them. In fact, I probably over compensate! But they seem just as ease doing it back. Cycle broken I guess.

ButtSurgery · 26/08/2024 23:23

Nope.

Emotionally closed off, completely non-demonstrative people.

DH comes from a very huggy family, but it's completely sincere.

The only person I am comfortable hugging is my husband. Everyone else feels forced and fake. I absolutely loathe being touched / hugged / kissed by friends, colleagues etc.

My old boss gave us all a hug and kisses on the cheeks when he left a few months and my reaction was visceral.