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Original poster

Did your parents hug you and tell you they loved you as a child?

162 replies

Tryingtostayawake · 26/08/2024 23:07

Speaking to Dh today and his perfect family (they’re really not!) he said how they all said they loved each other all the time and hugged etc. I told him my parents didn’t, we’d kiss goodnight and I knew they loved me. My Dm even says now that she wished she’d done in more (she tells me she loves me now and hugs me when we meet up/leave each other-I live far away.
Dh said this can really mess people up.
Im v affectionate with Dd and hug her and tell her I love her all the time, I can’t help but not 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wouldn’t say I’m an affectionate person though-only to her and Ddog the most really.
Was anyone else’s family like this? I’m mid 40’s, so the 80’s and 90’s
I remember being away at Brownie camp
for the first time ever away from home for a few days, I was shy so found it hard. When the mums came to pick all the kids up, they all have big hugs and kisses to their kids and I remember seeing my Dm and expecting it and her just coming to me and getting my things, it did really stick with me. My Dm is quite closed And shy though (possibly on the spectrum, but not sure) but still.

OP posts:
cosyleafcafe · 27/08/2024 07:29

How people show affection and love varies hugely from person to person, from family to family.

The fact that you weren't hugged/ told "I love you" in childhood isn't automatically going to cause any issues. This is only one way of showing love.

But it's also the most common way, and one that children can easily understand.

It would certainly be harder to make sure a child knows that you love them if you never hug them or tell them so.

I think "did it mess you up" is a very simplistic way of putting it. But yes, not knowing that they are loved can cause children to have all kinds of emotional difficulties.

But that doesn't mean that not being hugged automatically means a child will be "messed up" as you put it.

It's much more complex than that.

jennymac31 · 27/08/2024 07:29

Forgot to say that both DH and I were born in 1980. My DM is from the Baby Boomer generation, while my DF and both in-laws are from the Silent generation.

I think the difference in affection between my family and my DH's family was a question of upbringing rather than which generation they were born within.

Blueglazzier · 27/08/2024 09:06

I'm one of 7 the third born first girl. Mum had 3 children under 3 then had more every year or so . Her life was hard with dad and she had a tough life . As I grew and became more aware I felt her sadness and I do think we kids made her tired and worn out and as a child I think I tried to compensate by trying to help her. I don't recall being cuddled or told I was loved by either parent . I'm a very huggy person and love deeply.

ADHDGURL · 27/08/2024 11:58

RogueFemale · 26/08/2024 23:09

I don't remember either of my parents hugging me or saying they loved me.

Same..not once, and yes it's damaged me with interpersonal relationships, part of why I tried to hard to please and chose shockingly awful partners. I did recognise it and told/tell my kids every day. And they seem to be much more happier and have made better choices with their partners and have better self esteem.
It's a horrible way to grow up. Skin hunger is a real thing. I've learnt to live with it but it's been hard.

x2boys · 27/08/2024 12:05

I was hugged and kissed but I can't remember them ever saying the words I love you and they still don't at 82 ,but vi
know they absolutely do love me and my kids and my sister and hery kids ,they would do anything for us.

zingally · 27/08/2024 12:31

I did get lots of hugs and kisses and general affection, but I never heard an "I love you."

We just weren't (and still aren't) a particularly verbally affectionate bunch. Love was shown more by deeds than words.

Bluemincat · 27/08/2024 12:39

No I don't remember ever being hugged or told I was loved or hardly ever anything positive. It was only ever criticism.

Even now, they're late 70s and I'm mid 40s, we do a very awkward hug after not seeing each other for a long time. If I ever say I love you eg on the phone they say "OK" in response. They never say it back.

But I do think they love me. They don't think they need to say it.

It's made the opposite with my DC. I tell them I love them and I'm proud of them all the time and they are both very cuddly even though they're now teens.

LoobyDoop2 · 27/08/2024 12:41

I’m the same age as you, OP, and no. I don’t think parents did that then. My brother actually remembers trying to hug mum when he was about nine, and being pushed away and told that he was too old for that kind of thing ☹️

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 27/08/2024 12:43

Never. I never remember anyone hugging me or telling they loved me. I always felt like my family didn’t like me very much, and if I was upset I was never comforted but often ridiculed or shouted at. My childhood wasn’t exactly abusive but it was very cold and yes it really messed me up.

Superscientist · 27/08/2024 12:45

Yes I hated every one

LoobyDoop2 · 27/08/2024 12:49

Oh, and I agree that it messes you up. I was well into my 30s before I realised that I’m a perfectly nice person who deserves to be treated well. Which gave me a very, very bad model for relationships. It took me a long time to understand that attraction is not the same thing as respect or affection, and that I don’t owe anything to anyone just because they find me attractive, or need to be grateful to them for that.

ARichtGoodDram · 27/08/2024 12:50

My parents both said it. Often. But they were both vile and abusive so it was meaningless to me. I can remember thinking 'no, you don't or you wouldn't hurt me' when I was about 3/4 years old.

My grandparents, who took me when I was 7, didn't say it remotely as often and my grandad wasn't a hugger, but they showed it in other ways.

I think it's not feeling secure and loved that can mess people up - not specifically in gestures.

Radiat · 27/08/2024 12:50

I don’t remember it at all from my dad, and not really from my mum, though she says we hugged and said I love you when I was young. I can’t imagine hugging her now, but we know we love each other anyway.

My daughter is 12 and still very cuddly, it’s a bit much at times when I’m just trying to read a book or whatever, but I try not to say “not right now” where I can.

LoneHydrangea · 27/08/2024 12:54

Perfunctory kisses only. My parents didn’t ever say ‘I love you’ to their children, nor each other.

it was quite funny to see them with my children who we brought up with masses of affection. They’d fling their arms around my parents’ necks and say ‘I love you!’ every time they saw them, so my parents had no option but to reciprocate. although it was quite uncharted territory for my parents, I think they really liked it. Quite sweet really.

Confusionn · 27/08/2024 13:01

I am your age, and my parents showed no physical love or said anything remotely mushy.

Today mid 80's and still in good health my parents are still the same.

I think it has effected me and messed me up slightly if I am honest. I struggle slightly with my 6 year old, because physical affection feels so unnatural to me. My parents are the type that as long as your fed and clothed and have a bit of money then all is good. Their own parents were very much the same though.

LoneHydrangea · 27/08/2024 13:19

But they were fucked up in their turn, by fools in old-style hats and coats…

I think it’s important to break the cycle. Neither my husband nor I had affectionate parents. We have been the most demonstrative and affectionate parents we can possibly be. Our kids are young adults (men) now and tell me and their dad they love us every single time we see them or speak to them. They write beautiful messages in cards to us both saying how much we’re loved and valued. I think we’ve done well in this regard.

Crunchymum · 27/08/2024 13:24

Always, always kiss my parents and hug them goodbye and tell them I love them. Me and my mum shared "I love you's" on the day she died.

I have two very affectionate children and one who is less tactile but we are a kissy / cuddly family. I make sure I tell the kids not only that I love them but that I value them and I am proud of them and I think they are fantastic humans, on a regular basis (in-between nagging them and 'telling them off' of course!)

angeldelite · 27/08/2024 13:31

My dad was demonstrative but my mum wasn’t. She was strict but a good mum, she has had my back in many ways. She still doesn’t like hugs / kisses.

Not sure if it’s because of that or my ND, but I always want to be hugged and touched.

Fizbosshoes · 27/08/2024 13:34

My mum gave hugs, dad didn't really, but I felt loved. None of dad's family really do emotion, their own mum died when they were tween/teen and they were encouraged not to show emotion.

I hugged and kissed my DC when they were young but teen DD has disliked being touched, hugged or kissed since she was maybe 12. If she's upset or scared she might need a hug, but she doesn't like it as a general greeting or sign of affection. We do air hugs and sometimes I give her arm a rub (she doesn't really like that but it feels less intrusive than a hug) DS hugs me a lot as long as theres no one around
I tell them I'm proud of them, but I don't really say I love you....

FunnysInLaJardin · 27/08/2024 13:40

I was brought up in the 70's and while my parents never said they loved me, I knew that they did.

Lots of hugs and kisses though from both of them, and my sisters

As a parent I still hug and kiss my teen boys, it would be odd not to

SGBK4862 · 27/08/2024 13:56

I grew up 60s/70s. I knew my parents loved me but don't remember being hugged. We did do goodnight kisses though.

Hugging more generally ( with friends etc) seemed to become a thing in my late 20s (80s). I found it awkward at first but the habit grew on me. I'd hug someone now if they had exciting news, for example, or to say goodbye.

Definitely hugged / hug my kids and tell them I love them all the time. (But everyone "loves" everyone on social media- it's become an easy word to use!)

NoMoreFalafelForYou · 27/08/2024 14:05

I grew up in the 80s. I don’t think parents were as affectionate then. I don’t recall seeing my friends’ parents showering them with praise and love and hugs in the way I see my peers do now with their children. I knew I was loved and cherished. We were a close family. We laughed a lot. I just don’t recall a lot of hugging. To say goodbye at the airport maybe… dropping off at uni… we often did a kiss goodnight when we were younger but it wouldn’t have been followed by “I love you” - I think we’d have giggled at that.

My mother (now early 80s) had a cancer diagnosis about 15 years ago and started ending her phone calls with “love you” but I don’t really reciprocate as it makes me cringe a bit. Is that weird??

Oddly, I do say it to my own children and give them a lot of hugs. 🤷‍♀️

Gwenhwyfar · 27/08/2024 14:13

No. I'm a bit older than you. Telling people you love them wasn't much of a thing then, but comparing with friends I did find that a lot of them hugged their mums, but not their dads.

wtfissummer · 27/08/2024 14:14

No, never hugs and definitely never told they loved me and my siblings.

It's only looking back I can see how that must have affected me.

My DM was always hypercritical, hair, clothes, choices and I don't recall either parent ever saying they were proud of me. I know they were, because they told other people, but never said it directly to me

Gwenhwyfar · 27/08/2024 14:14

"My mother (now early 80s) had a cancer diagnosis about 15 years ago and started ending her phone calls with “love you” but I don’t really reciprocate as it makes me cringe a bit. Is that weird??"

No. It's the way you were brought up so she can't complain.

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