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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did your parents hug you and tell you they loved you as a child?

162 replies

Tryingtostayawake · 26/08/2024 23:07

Speaking to Dh today and his perfect family (they’re really not!) he said how they all said they loved each other all the time and hugged etc. I told him my parents didn’t, we’d kiss goodnight and I knew they loved me. My Dm even says now that she wished she’d done in more (she tells me she loves me now and hugs me when we meet up/leave each other-I live far away.
Dh said this can really mess people up.
Im v affectionate with Dd and hug her and tell her I love her all the time, I can’t help but not 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wouldn’t say I’m an affectionate person though-only to her and Ddog the most really.
Was anyone else’s family like this? I’m mid 40’s, so the 80’s and 90’s
I remember being away at Brownie camp
for the first time ever away from home for a few days, I was shy so found it hard. When the mums came to pick all the kids up, they all have big hugs and kisses to their kids and I remember seeing my Dm and expecting it and her just coming to me and getting my things, it did really stick with me. My Dm is quite closed And shy though (possibly on the spectrum, but not sure) but still.

OP posts:
DogsandFlowers · 26/08/2024 23:46

Tryingtostayawake · 26/08/2024 23:11

Has it messed you both up? Dh seems to think it would

I'm the same and no not at all... tell him this is not a helpful comment he's saying it like it's your fault

whosthefoolnow · 26/08/2024 23:46

I'm an 80's child. My parent's never hugged me, never kissed me, never told me I was loved. Ever. My mother died of cancer when I was in my early twenties. Even in those last few weeks when she knew her time was coming to an end she still never hugged me or told me she loved me.
It definitely affected me in a negative way.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 26/08/2024 23:47

It wasn't about being told if I was loved or not or being showed signs of affection - neither of which happened.. it was more a feeling of being safe and wanted and secure... which I never had that showed me the lack of love. This is not a 'poor me' post but has helped me to decipher how they did (or didn't as it turned out) show love

Marine30 · 26/08/2024 23:48

Similar age to you OP. My mum was pretty affectionate and would often say she loved me and hug me. My dad rarely, but he was very kind and caring in other ways.
I’m always hugging DD 14 and sometimes hug DS 17 as he is shy and she is not and I get the feeling he is uncomfortable with too much emotion. He sometimes gruffly says he loves me. DD says it back often and is very tactile.
I’m not much of a hugger outside of family but I couldn’t imagine not hugging my kids or at least saying I love them often. I think it is more common now to express your love with hugs for kids now than in our parents’ generation.

Grendell · 26/08/2024 23:48

Never! No touching, no I love you's - nothing at all.

I'm in my 60s and still don't want to be touched by anyone ever. It's like an electrical shock I am so not used to it.

thingsineverthoughtidsay · 26/08/2024 23:50

I can remember my parents telling me they loved me and hugging me as a child once when I was really upset about something. I felt quite uncomfortable with it as they never ever did it! I always knew very much that they loved me, they would do anything for me and my siblings.
DH’s parents are very huggy and always say they love him, but there doesn’t seem to be any substance behind it. They are never there for him if he needs them.

Pacificisolated · 26/08/2024 23:50

Mum used to give me a hug and kiss at bedtime but was not particularly demonstrative of affection at other points during the day. In fact I recall often trying to make the bedtime hug last longer and her always pulling away saying ‘ow’ as if it hurt. Around age 12 I went through a stage of saying ‘I love you’ at bedtime to make her say it back to me. It was definitely a struggle for her. She only just started to volunteer ‘I love you’ without prompting in the last five years (I am in my thirties) because I pointed out how uncared for I felt as a child when she got upset that visiting her is not high on my list of priorities. Needless to say, I always hug and kiss my own children.

MarceyMc · 26/08/2024 23:51

Nope, never. Tbh looking back we were very poor and I think they were just trying to survive day by day at the time, make sure we were fed, clothed, etc. They are much more comfortable now and my mum in particular goes out of the way to spoil her DGC's and always tells them she loves them. She has alluded to regretting that she wasn't affectionate towards us as kids but still doesn't say 'I love you' to us now and vice versa - just feels a bit awkward as it's never really been the done thing for us I guess?

I don't think it has affected us tho, me and my sister both have kids and we are very affectionate towards all of them, tell them we love them, etc. I do love my mum and dad and we have a great relationship but I do try to parent my kids differently to how they did.

Marcipex · 26/08/2024 23:52

No, I don’t remember being hugged or kissed but I do remember my little sister being cuddled, so perhaps I was when I was very small.
They didn’t say they loved me, but people didn’t so much then. They always said they had wanted a boy.
Yes, it has definitely negatively affected me.

FFSWherearemyglasses · 26/08/2024 23:52

No, never
My mum only recently started to say “love you” on the phone if I say it first - she’s 84 🥴

HerewegoagainSS · 26/08/2024 23:52

CustardySergeant · 26/08/2024 23:20

No, no hugs or telling me they loved me at all. In fact they made sure that I knew they didn't love me. I felt guilty for costing them money to clothe and feed. I have no self esteem.

I am so so very sorry. Have you felt love since from any source? A partner, child, friends, a faith if you have one, even a pet? You ARE worthy of love, despite how they made you feel.

HeliotropePJs · 26/08/2024 23:53

My family isn't especially demonstrative compared to some I've seen, but I know I was hugged, and my parents often told us they loved us. Even as adults (we 'kids' are in our 30s and 40s), we usually greet and part from my parents with a hug and occasionally say 'love you' or something similar. My siblings and I never hug one another, though, come to think of it, though my mother hugs my aunts when they meet, I believe.

As an adult, I'm not the most naturally demonstrative person, but if I had a child I would most definitely express love verbally and with hugs.

Pasithean · 26/08/2024 23:54

No not from my mother and my father only in front of other family members when he’d had a drink. Now I’m no with both.

Argentin27 · 26/08/2024 23:58

I don't recall my father ever having hugged me, when I was a child or an adult. My mother did - and became even more huggy as she got older.

I was insecure as a child and was convinced that my father didn't want me and would prefer me not to be there.
With hindsight, I know that he did care and did love me but was incapable of showing it or saying it.

Sadly, I never felt the same love for my father as I did for my mother. My mum was the love of my life and I never doubted, from the earliest age, that she loved me with all her heart and soul.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 27/08/2024 00:02

My mum was huggy and I absolutely knew she loved me although the words weren't use with free abandon, they were when I needed reassurance though. My dad never told me he loved me as a child, but I knew he did, he worked sixty hour weeks in a factory having left school at 14, and when they offered him a watch for having worked there for twenty years he turned it down in favour of something for me and my brother, a computer/pc to do our homework even though he couldn't use one he knew lots of other kids had them, he often told me he was proud of me, (and that whatever I did I needed to get an education) both my parents would run around after us with sports teams etc, we didn't have much money but we did have their time, lots of bike rides in the woods, picnics on the beach etc.

When I went to uni I got a bit more confident and also saw that other people were more vocal with their feelings, so when I went home I would always tell my mum and dad I loved them and hug them, it was a bit weird at first, and my dad would pat me on the back and say you too darling, I'd just started driving and without fail every time I got in the car he'd say to me have a safe journey and still does decades later. Both are more demonstrative now especially with the grandchildren.

I don't think it was anything about them not loving us, they both came from large families mum one of six , dad one of nine and df in particular a very strict Catholic family, family life was busy and hard work. There was never much to go around and no time for fripperies like emotions.

I used to try and hug my paternal gran when I was little and it felt like she would break she was so tiny and so clearly uncomfortable!

They showed us they loved us by putting us first above everything. I don't begrudge that, people communicate differently and times were different.

Wasntmeanttobelikethis · 27/08/2024 00:02

FFSWherearemyglasses · 26/08/2024 23:52

No, never
My mum only recently started to say “love you” on the phone if I say it first - she’s 84 🥴

Same as my mum, who is 84
Just wish she’d said it sooner

ncforcatquestion · 27/08/2024 00:21

No, and I don't think it "messed me up", apart from it has perhaps made me not really liking hugging people.

RunningThroughMyHead · 27/08/2024 00:23

I was born in the 80s and my dad would regularly tell me he loved me and is very huggy. My mum less so although she shows love in her actions.

I've known families like yours though.

saraclara · 27/08/2024 00:26

My mum - only when she was drunk, and it made me cringe because it was so fake.
My dad was painfully reserved and would never have been able to say the words, and I never said it to him until he was on his deathbed. But I always knew that he loved me and I know that he knew I loved him. We just knew.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 27/08/2024 00:32

Omg these replies 😦. Hugging, kissing and being told we are loved was probably the only thing my mum found easy . She was a single parent and spent her entire childhood in care, so maybe a contributing factor.

CoffeeAndSunrise · 27/08/2024 00:47

No, we were never hugged or told we were loved. We were treated badly, sworn at every day, hit etc. If we showed any vulnerability we were mocked like it was some how embarrassing. I don't think either of my parents were capable of love, they're very messed up people.. I don't have any contact with them now.

My kids are teens and adults now but I still hug them and tell them I love them every day. I never wanted my children going through what I did. They're very affectionate kids. My partner was never hugged or told he was loved either although they weirdly they tried to start in later life. He's always given our children lots of hugs and tells them he loves them every day. I wouldn't be with someone who couldn't/wouldn't do that after my own childhood experience.

Franjipanl8r · 27/08/2024 00:47

Neither of my parents are huggy people and neither have ever said “I love you”. But me and my siblings are their total world and they would do anything for us - way above what other huggy lovie dovie parents I know would do. Endless favours, support, time spent with us, helping to look after their grandkids, giving up work when we needed mental health support…

Sometimeswinning · 27/08/2024 00:48

Everyone blames their parents for everything.
It affects everyone how their parents were. I’ve chosen to not be like mine. Funnily they’ve turned into the best grandparents so I won’t dwell on it. I also know their childhood wasn’t easy.

eggandchip · 27/08/2024 00:53

nope never.
Its not harmed me not messed me up.

SnowFrogJelly · 27/08/2024 01:13

Not really 🥺

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