To feel guilty my children have nothing

[Iwishihad]

First time I have posted long time lurker.I’m feeling sorry for myself and especially my dc I have four ds’s aged under 16,I came out of a very abusive relationship last year and have survived on universal credit since as I cannot work due to suffering from ptsd 😣the summer holidays have been a nightmare finding the money to make afternoon lunch has been hard forgot about anything else!!!they haven’t done anything no days out they are at the age where the park picnics and treasure hunts are a thing of the past,they have sat in day after day in there rooms with nothing to do,they are dreading school as I have not got them coats or shoes,I only got the uniform because I spoke to the school social worker who provided me with four vouchers for the blazer trouser and shirt set,I feel such a failiure and feel so sorry for my ds they deserve so much better I see all my friends coming of holidays and there children have been on so many days out I know how bad it sounds but I feel jealous that I can’t take my children out ,they don’t even have any nice clothes or trainers even if I was to take them out I can just about provide the the basics aibu to feel like this ??

I'll add, look for local community fridges/ larders. You don't need a referral, they're open to everybody

Around the west midlands 🙂

Ypu Sound like the most amazing mama who has prioritised the important things of safety and love for your boys. Well done mama ❤️
however I would love to send you something so you can treat them- please message me privately so we can arrange xx

Please don’t feel bad. You love your children and have given them a safe home… many children are not this lucky.

There are lots of things you can do with your kids for free or cheaply at weekends and in the holidays… go to the park, have a picnic, bake/ice cakes, go to a museum, go to the city farm, go to the beach/forest, go to the library, go to summer fates, watch movies at home (make your own popcorn), go camping. Don’t let a lack of money stop you from enjoying your children’s childhood… it goes so quickly.

If you are too ill to work then ask for your kids to be registered as young carers and they should be entitled to days out and other provision as part of that.
Also contact DA support services who may be able to help
Long term, push hard for help for the PTSD as it is available and hopefully with the right emotional support/medication you can move back into work and things will improve for you all financially

Talk to their schools. Be honest about what has happened and your current struggles. Many schools have pots of money that can be accessed to help families in extremis. One of my granddaughters got grants for her GCSE study guides, for example, as she was in a single parent family. Start by talking to their Heads of Year for support & advice. On addition many schools have lost property store rooms, crammed with good quality school uniform that has been discarded and never claimed, ask if they have any unwanted uniform items. You don't have to involve your children in your discussions if you think it would embarrass them. Good luck, you're a great mum and have done the best thing for your family..

Well done for getting away, that is a huge step and takes courage! The holidays will soon be over so I would try concentrate on back to school now. Honestly don’t worry about not going on fancy days out etc, my kids haven’t had them either and they are fine! I would absolutely contact school re the shoes and coats or even try your local Facebook page. (You can post anonymously on most then just PM) I have boys and would be happy to post things to you? I would also look at claiming PIP if you haven’t already. Life will get better! This is just another hurdle to get through. Please accept any help you can and be proud of yourself 💐

Thankyou that’s a great idea

As a side note, as you've got loads of good advice.

I'm not sure if you've had any treatment for your ptsd but you can get an amazing therapy called EMDR which is made for PTSD. It helps reset your brain of the flash backs. You can go through yourself or get your GP to refer you. You can get it free on the NHS. There could be a waiting list but it will really help set you free. Good luck op

Please do not feel ashamed.

You have done the best thing you could ever do for your children - put them first and leave an abusive home.

Well done you!

So many children would trade all of their holidays, game consoles, branded clothes and top of the range mobiles to feel safe in their own homes.

Post/look on Freecycle, gumtree, marketplace etc and scour the charity shops.

Ask the school and your local council if they provide any financial assistance.

Did you get the advance from UC?

If you haven’t already, I would look for a little PT job over 2 or 3 days.
Not only will you have more money but it will also give you a confidence boost and give you something positive in your life.

I have never heard of this Thankyou so much 🙂

I don’t have anything to add onto the fabulous advice you have already been given but just wanted to send a hug. You are brilliant ⭐️

The majority of schools have a Pastoral Care team. They are not just there for the children, but for parents too. Contact your children's school, ask to speak to Pastoral Care, and explain the situation. Most can point you in the right direction to access help. Are you receiving any support, as in counselling, for your PTSD? Pastoral Care may be able to help. Medication may help short-term but therapy is what you need. I had PTSD, and had counselling, to talk through my feelings, to help cope with panic attacks etc.

I don't know if it's been mentioned already but next school holiday look for the HAF programme. It's kind of like holiday club and each child or young person who attends gets lunch. Other than that have you tried your local Family Hub or Children's Centre. Staff there can help with benefits and signpost you to any local charities or groups that may provide food, clothing, vouchers. I think you are brave and courageous and I wish you all the very best.

@Lavenderblossoms is this a therapy you pay for or available on the NHS?

@Iwishihad As someone who also left a very abusive relationship, let me tell you, you have given your dc the greatest gift they could possibly have. They have the chance of better lives away from an abusive man. Practically, plenty of advice here, please take whatever help, support and resources are available to you. No one deserves them more than you and your dc. You are the best mother those dc could have.

YANBU for feeling so useless at all. But you do give your dc the greatest gift that a Mother can give them - your love, care and attention - and they will thrive on that. So many dc, provided with more material wealth than yours don't get that love and it shows.

When I realized that I was going to be poor for a very long time I made sure that my ds was sound and secure as being 'poor' wasn't going to change any time soon. And you have 4 dc which you can't just hold with only 2 hands so serious business.

Forget the people who may have 'more' - it can just as easily go all 'tits up' for them too - just treat your parenting role as your current career and be excellent at it. The good stuff will come later xxx

Exactly. Be proud of yourself!.

Op - if you are on free school meals there should be HAF programmes over summer where you are?

Are you in a city? Or town?

Your school might point you to free clubs/ youth clubs etc - I live in a large town/ small city - and there are some free clubs and programmes that have survived austerity.

Please don't feel ashamed - it's disgusting the society we live in with so little for kids to do that is free - we have lost youth clubs, play schemes etc in the past decade from austerity - I wish and hope we see one day that all these return so all children can have what they need over the long holidays.

Are you friendly with other mums and could plan to get the kids together?

Look at coats for kids on facebook - post where you are and what you need. Also second Swagbucks, YouGov and the like.

You might know this already but your school will be able to help you find the HAF programmes for summer - or for future holidays.

People who want to work, find work without suggestions like this, believe me. Even those who need work permits find work if they want to, with all the difficulties with work permits, etc.

Hello everyone
We've had a number of reports from people concerned about this thread so, as we usually do in these circs, we're putting our heads round the door with some important reminders.

Right now we can't see any evidence to indicate that the OP isn't above board – if we did, we'd remove the thread straight away. But the truth is that, sadly, we at MNHQ can't know with 100% certainty that any poster is genuine, no matter who they are or how long they have been here. As frustrating as it is, we're not able to vouch for anyone here.

So we always ask users to remember that not everyone on the internet is who they say they are – and remind folk not to give more to another poster, either financially (in cash or gifts) or emotionally (in time or care and support) than they'd be prepared to lose if things went wrong. Though, we strongly advise against parting with any cash or giving away your personal details, and if you receive a PM which makes you uneasy - report it to us and we’ll take a look.

We've compiled some useful links posted by Mumsnetters into a financial issues webguide, so that people experiencing difficulties can find all the relevant information in one place.

Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP – we really hope you get it all sorted soon.

one summer being bored - is nothing compared to having a loving mum who got them out of a dangerous situation.

As they get older they can get part time jobs over summer or other holidays - and then they will have a bit of pocket money too.

I think it’s clear you really are going to HAVE to get a decent job as not working isn’t doing the best for any of you. You have PTSD yes but that can and will get better and you are feeling pretty much terrible now in your current situation so try to move forwards and make it better. Make a plan to yourself that the next school holidays will see your family a better financial position to do some things with them.