To feel guilty my children have nothing

[Iwishihad]

First time I have posted long time lurker.I’m feeling sorry for myself and especially my dc I have four ds’s aged under 16,I came out of a very abusive relationship last year and have survived on universal credit since as I cannot work due to suffering from ptsd 😣the summer holidays have been a nightmare finding the money to make afternoon lunch has been hard forgot about anything else!!!they haven’t done anything no days out they are at the age where the park picnics and treasure hunts are a thing of the past,they have sat in day after day in there rooms with nothing to do,they are dreading school as I have not got them coats or shoes,I only got the uniform because I spoke to the school social worker who provided me with four vouchers for the blazer trouser and shirt set,I feel such a failiure and feel so sorry for my ds they deserve so much better I see all my friends coming of holidays and there children have been on so many days out I know how bad it sounds but I feel jealous that I can’t take my children out ,they don’t even have any nice clothes or trainers even if I was to take them out I can just about provide the the basics aibu to feel like this ??

The best thing you could have done for your kids was leaving an abusive relationship. Stone cold hero you are.

Our local schools gave uniform swaps/sales/giveaways in the summer hols, might be worth checking. They also provide food vouchers to cover lunches over the school hols.

We live in a pretty deprived area and there's been loads organised for kids over the summer. My boss has 2 kids who've been to a theme park, bouldering, surfing and the oldest one's doing an outward bound style trip for 3 days next week. All activities have been free through a local youth club. They've also had football camp and there were loads of sport themed activities around the Olympics.

Most of our local attractions have very heavily subsidised rates for families in receipt of benefits and there's some great volunteering opportunities with local wildlife trust.

It is worth checking the local council website. It will signpost you to help available.

@Iwishihad

you've done so well getting away from him. Is he paying CMS?

Definitely follow up all the suggestions and hopefully you'll find additional financial support, help with clothing, & household stuff.

my fried is 62 M & he's getting therapy for C-PTSD from a local charity via the GP referral. He's paying because he's working, but they do it based on what you can afford, many people don't pay a penny. Even at 62 it's helping him. His trauma is childhood based & he's working through it.

best wishes xx

oh & pay no attention to your voting numbers, because it's not clear how to vote! What the actual question is/too many nuances.

but you've done the right thing, you & your boys will get through this. Just look out for each other.

there are lots of things you can all play together with pen & paper, pack of cards, cheap football.

the older ones will join in if you sell it to them as helping the younger ones (& enjoy it, but not lose face, IF they're doing it for the younger ones)

OP, your kids have roof over their head, food in their stomachs, school uniform ready, and no doubt go to sleep feeling loved by a wonderful mother. Give yourself a break, you're doing a great job xxx

Also meant to say how brilliant you are to have escaped an abusive marriage.

Your thread got me thinking about school holidays when I was younger.
My parents have a traditional marriage,.my Dad worked and my Mum was a SAHM.
He worked in a factory and with 6 children money could be tight but we never knew it.

We didn't have holidays,.my parents didn't even drive but we were clothed, fed and warm.
We made our own fun in the school holidays, very few people went away and so we never knew any different.
What we did have was trips out with the Sunday School - maybe 2.a year all over the place and always good fun.

In fact now as someone in their 40's I don't know many families that have a holiday a year but what I do see is families having a lot of fun doing free or low cost activities.

I second HAF programme,.in my area its managed by the.District Council and different providers offer different things.
Look out for activities coming in the October half term as you'll likely have to book.
Libraries often have free activities as well as museums etc

Are you claiming everything you are entitled to? Do you have school clothing grant? (Might be a different name where you are).
Why can’t you work? (Can you get pip, do you need help to claim?)
Help with rent and council tax?

You are an amazing mum for saving yourself and your children from abuse, despite it being financially difficult.

I know affluent parents who won’t do holidays with their children for various reasons, kids have pads or go to clubs etc (which they hate). Try not to compare, you are doing the best you can.

OP many secondary schools need exam invigilators to work in the exam season, May/June, for GCSEs & A levels. Might that be something you could aim for as a stepping stone back into more work? Flexible schedule, low stress etc.

It may feel like the worst thing for them not having things but in the long run they will thank you for protecting them and out of the environment. It will take time to get back on your feet xxx

So sorry you are going through this op. I've been there and am thankfully coming out the other end of it now. It took 6 years though.

Have a look at a budgeting advance from Universal credit. This is not the advance you get when waiting for your first payment, it's for clothing, furniture, and white goods. You'll have to pay it back each month from your UC, usually about £50 per month.

Also, have a look at ALL the help you're entitled to in your area. It's there for people like you and your family. You will come out the other side and life will be so much better xxx

I take my hat off to anyone who has left a very abusive relationship. It's absolutely the best thing you could ever do for your kids. So, as others have said, please don't be so hard in yourself!

You've had some great advice on here op. Just sending some sisterly love to you 💖🙌

Google daysoutwithkids and enter your local area. Comes up with loads of free activities.

Treasure trails are about a tenner but will occupy you all for a few hours. Just a walk trying to find clues to solve mysteries. Can be printed out several times and swapped with other families if you know others who might like to do them.
Also geocaching. Not sure if there is any it’s involved there, but I don’t think so.

@EI12 What a nasty post.

Well done you it’s not easy 🙂 also Do you know how I could get a budgeting advance please?

I voted YANBU because I would probably feel the same in your shoes. But I think you sound like a lovely person who really cares about your children & that is more important than days out or new outfits. You’ve been so strong and I would just urge you to keep going and things will gradually improve. Please be honest with the school in confidence about your situation so they can offer help.

https://www.madeformums.com/toddler-and-preschool/guide-to-toy-libraries/

toy libraries

Years and years of my life were like this. I left my abusive husband when my children were toddlers.

If you want a list of games or things to do that cost nothing, I had 15 years of inventing them, so just send me a message.

I'm also around the WM area so might know contacts or know someone nearer to you who would know.

Talk to the school pastoral teams and tell them you have escaped an abusive relationship. Teach your children there’s no shame in being poor and encourage their education. Libraries are free and they don’t need the latest electronic devices.

I was brought up in a very poor household with free school meals, uniforms, shoes in the Thatcher years. My mum worked part time and received family income supplement, now Universal Credit. Our evening meals were beans on toast or soup and bread, sometimes a cheap frozen pizza. We had part time jobs as soon as we were legally allowed to work. I didn’t get on a plane until I was 20. Most people in our town were poor, that’s how it was.

When you’re feeling more settled you can get a job - lunchtime supervisor at school, teaching assistant, library assistant, whatever you can find to get you into a routine but fit around school hours. I wish you all the best.

You have had loads of excellent advice on loads of stuff. This is just something small but my teens have really got into playing card games this summer. So many different games and a packet of playing cards costs next to nothing. It's been lovely of an evening sitting together chatting and playing for an hour or so.

Don’t feel bad. You’re doing what you can, just make sure you work on yourself so that you are in a position to find employment.

Thankyou so much kind words make a big difference

Do download the Olio app if theres one in your area. You can collect free food, also people give things away, toys, DVDs, clothes, household items plus you can ask on the wanted section fir anything, including items of school uniforms. Also see if theres a food pantry local where you pay say £5 but get £10/15 of grocery you choose. Also is there a Company Shop in your area? You could get free membership, most of their food plus none food items are around half price. There is a lot of help around it's just finding it.

It really doesn't sound like your kids have nothing, sounds like the have an amazing, caring and selfless mum. I was a latchkey kid and dreaded summer holidays but in the grand scheme of things, they came and went and no damage done. Except maybe it made me appreciate the little things more than the kids who had loads of material stuff. Like the kind neighbour who would feed me a proper lunch as all I had at home was bread and got so sick of 6 weeks of endless toast! Just as sudden as crappy horrible things happen, so do amazing things. You've got this!

Could you have a chat to them about it all and work out a plan going forward for all of you? I presume they have a very good idea of what is gong on and what has happened. They really might surprise you with their level of understanding and resourcefulness. Are you able to get counselling? Obviously getting back to work is really the only long term solution. Even if you don’t feel ready maybe a road map would help? Good luck x

You sound lovely x

YANBU to feel this way but you are not a failure. Can you find a clothes bank, like a food bank. If you are in a city look up resources online, local authority and charities.