To feel guilty my children have nothing

[Iwishihad]

First time I have posted long time lurker.I’m feeling sorry for myself and especially my dc I have four ds’s aged under 16,I came out of a very abusive relationship last year and have survived on universal credit since as I cannot work due to suffering from ptsd 😣the summer holidays have been a nightmare finding the money to make afternoon lunch has been hard forgot about anything else!!!they haven’t done anything no days out they are at the age where the park picnics and treasure hunts are a thing of the past,they have sat in day after day in there rooms with nothing to do,they are dreading school as I have not got them coats or shoes,I only got the uniform because I spoke to the school social worker who provided me with four vouchers for the blazer trouser and shirt set,I feel such a failiure and feel so sorry for my ds they deserve so much better I see all my friends coming of holidays and there children have been on so many days out I know how bad it sounds but I feel jealous that I can’t take my children out ,they don’t even have any nice clothes or trainers even if I was to take them out I can just about provide the the basics aibu to feel like this ??

I really understand. I have ptsd plus medical problems which meant I was dismissed from work 10 years ago, I'm also a single parent.
I feel so guilty because 1. I can't afford to do days out etc but 2. I can't physically do it.
Somethings that help are:
I pay for the extra food costs by buying one extra item a week after Easter holidays eg a bag of pasta, tin of beans anything that will save,
Buy odd items of uniform as needed so not all at once,
I applied for disability benefits. Have you applied for esa, pip etc alongside your uc? This may help although not an easy process.
Have you tried social prescribing? My GP referred me, I was told I wasn't suitable as my situation was too complex but there seemed to be some support for mental health, more than physical health,
Are your dc classed as young carers? If so could you refer them to young carers (the support will depend on area). Ours was 8 weeks of weekly support then nothing but it did help my dc see that lots of children were in similar positions as us.
Also I can recommend emdr it hasn't been a curr but it has help substantially (the nhs waiting list was 4 years here so not quick unfortunately).
Most importantly look after yourself or you can't look after your dc.

It sounds so so hard but a million times better than being in an abusive home. And this is where you’re all at now, but things can change as you all start to recover. Long summer holidays feeling bored and with nowhere to go or money to spend is how I spent my entire childhood and it meant I basically lived at the library and read as many books as I could get my hands on. I was donated an instrument from a charity. Entered loads of competitions (it’s amazing how much you can get for free). Ended up going to university and getting a top degree and I put all that ambition firmly on the fact that my childhood drove me to achieve and work hard to secure a better life for myself.

I would also look at what you are going to do to get yourself in a position where you can get back to work asap: CBT is amazing for ptsd. Many areas offer cbt for free, so even if there’s a waiting list, get yourself on it and start taking control of your life so that you can be empowered to improve your circumstances. I know it’s hard but it is possible. Don’t just accept this is your lot. You have shown such strength to get to where you are already.

@Iwishihad always better for children to have one happy parent rather than two unhappy angry parents. you will get through this blip!

In the 80s when I was at primary my parents were not hard of cash. However I was rarely taken anywhere in the summer holidays a few day trips but nothing like the extend that parents do now. Did it affect me in any way? Nope. Similarly my children even though I’m on a good wage I’m a widowed parent mine have hardly been anywhere. Are they bothered? Nope they just get on with it and we embrace what we can do. Step away from the pressures of modern society and stop trying to keep up with others.

This, take care OP

Op keep going. Your kids won't remember this one summer. They'll remember that you were always there for them. They are safe that's all that matters.

Just a few ideas for days out - museums are generally free and a good day out. Take a packed lunch. Get out for walks in on the woods, the beach etc. it will do you all good to get out in the fresh air and sunshine.

Get some advice from CAB and check you are claiming all you can.

Good luck X x

Please be proud of your self for having left and taking yourself and your children out of a toxic situation. I am sure your children being old enough understand and appreciate that.

Once your mental health improves look at getting a part time job. This will make you feel better and improve your children’s lives long term. Remember you’ve got this, now it is only upwards and onwards! All the best!

Your kids will just be happy that everyone is safe.
Have you tried online surveys, swagbucks or ipsos isay can help build up PayPal deposits (or other vouchers Amazon etc). Swagbucks doing surveys for example it works out about £5 a week for me so is a good way of saving for hols/Christmas

It’s a bit late for this summer holiday but in this area there are free activity camps that you can book if you are a family entitled to free school meals. Some are a day, some you can book a week. Some great ones like outdoor activities, kids yoga, dance. All funded but you need to apply for a space. Once you have a bit more headspace you might be able to find something like that to help keep kids busy when off school.

Well done on getting away. That must have taken so much courage. Maybe as you have ptsd your children also may be benefitting from a quiet life at the moment as they also start to recover Some self help cbt could help you and them while you perhaps go on a gp waiting list for counselling. The MIND website has a lot of resources such as challenging unhelpful thinking which may have developed as your self esteem has probably been affected by domestic abuse. You can start to heal and hopefully by this time next year the summer holidays will have more opportunities for fun things

Nothing is more important then you and your children being safe. Be proud of yourself!

OP is there a Trussel Trust food bank in your area? You can get a referral from a GP/social worker or even school. Please ask for a referral as they will hopefully be able to signpost towards more financial help....there are all sorts of extra benefits available that no one knows about! SIM cards, winter heat packs, advice on other organisations that might be able to help you...as well as a comprehensive amount of food to help re stock the cupboards. Help is out there, it can seem yr on your own but there are many people who can help-good luck.

You have done the best thing by getting away from this man. It may be hard but one day at a time it could get better. If you are universal credit could you look at courses. Consider what affects your ptsd and what may work for you? Or are there jobs that may be possible having a bit of income may make a difference.

OP, your children don't have nothing, they have you, and they now have a loving and safe environment in which to grow up. Those things are beyond price. And my happiest childhood memories are all of things that were free or cost very little. Check your local council's website, and your local libraries, there are often lots of activities for families and children that are free. Make sure you get the children out to public parks and other green spaces to play and walk, that will do you all good physically and mentally.

Are you entitled to free school meals? If you are, you should be able to get vouchers to help with lunches during the holidays.

Our local Baby Bank provides school uniform, shoes and stationary so do see if you have one local to you. They also have coats, other clothing and shoes etc so please do seek out support like this.

We also have various local Facebook pages for giving away free things of all kinds so check these out too.

Are they not on free school meals?

My kids been going to the free days that replaced the shopping vouchers, they get fed while there and its a full day of organized activities and there are loads on all over (although we only went to the closest one as I no longer drive). They are even going on a coach trip this week to a museum for free.

The only issue is my youngest doesn't qualify despite being in the same school under the pre-school program so the older 2 can go and I have to then figure out something to distract the youngest from realizing she can't do the same.

Well done for taking the plunge and going it alone. That's hard enough at the best of times, without the trauma that an abusive relationship causes. They'll benefit hugely from that move. Practically, what about having a look on vinted. You can get super cheap coats that with a quick wash will come up new.

Are you in touch with your local Women's Aid - they can signpost you to places for support.

I also 2nd the Baby Bank suggestion, ours does clothes for all ages and if they don't have something they put a plea out and often get lots donated.

You've done well, you've got them to safety.
Do they all need new uniform because it's a change of school, or can they use last year's uniform? TBH shoes are the priority, everything else can be secondhand or passed down, only the biggest might need you to actually buy something.
Uniform sellers like to make people think that every child has to be rekitted every September but that's not actually necessary. As you've got 4 DC of the same sex, you'll save a fortune passing clothes down.
It sounds like some of them are teenagers, so old enough to take themselves off to the park for a kickabout, or to earn a bit of money if they want to.
You've clearly been traumatised, but it would be good to start thinking about going back to work, the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to get back into the workplace.

Try your local Freecycle Wanted posts for any clothes, bikes, toys etc etc.
Local museums are often free for days out
Library storytime for young kids; Council playground/skate park/kids art events are often low/zero cost; walks and bike rides; paddling pool or hosepipe in the garden
Things are hard for you now but it seems you have turned a corner by getting out of that relationship and things can only get better. Best of luck to you x

thankyou for all the replies I feel a lot better about things then before I need to stop comparing myself to others and concentrate on myself I’m going to be looking at a lot of your suggestions on Facebook Thankyou for your help I appreciate it a lot

Are there any local uniform banks near you? They usually have coats/shoes.

I'm sorry to read this OP but you should be proud of yourself.Your children have a mother who puts them first which is wonderful. If you don't mind me asking if you were able to take on a job what would it be?

Without outing yourself, if you post your general area, we could search local resources for you.