To feel guilty my children have nothing

[Iwishihad]

First time I have posted long time lurker.I’m feeling sorry for myself and especially my dc I have four ds’s aged under 16,I came out of a very abusive relationship last year and have survived on universal credit since as I cannot work due to suffering from ptsd 😣the summer holidays have been a nightmare finding the money to make afternoon lunch has been hard forgot about anything else!!!they haven’t done anything no days out they are at the age where the park picnics and treasure hunts are a thing of the past,they have sat in day after day in there rooms with nothing to do,they are dreading school as I have not got them coats or shoes,I only got the uniform because I spoke to the school social worker who provided me with four vouchers for the blazer trouser and shirt set,I feel such a failiure and feel so sorry for my ds they deserve so much better I see all my friends coming of holidays and there children have been on so many days out I know how bad it sounds but I feel jealous that I can’t take my children out ,they don’t even have any nice clothes or trainers even if I was to take them out I can just about provide the the basics aibu to feel like this ??

Your children will be all the better for being moved away from a horrible, abusive home and you being so brave to make that decision.
Life will get better for you all. Do your children actually seem bothered? I only ask as my two teens are actually happier left be , having friends over to hang out etc than big family days out.
Be proud of yourself for starting a new l8fe for your family x

It sounds very tough. What are your kids into? Could you take them to the library? So a games night or movie night?

Are you claiming everything you are entitled to?

Be as supportive as you can when they go back to school. Make sure they attend and do their homework.

Ultimately working on your mental health to get into a position where you can get a job is critical.

A small thing, but if your children are entitled to free school dinners, is there not a voucher system where you live? It's not great, but a little extra to help out.

Hi OP,

Firstly, well done for getting out of that relationship - you have done such a great thing for your children.

Secondly, I am sure if you posted your area, someone would have some 2nd hand trainers, coats etc. I know I am often dropping things into the charity shop and would be more than happy to help someone local who was struggling, especially when things are going well in my life now but have not always been!

You've done the best thing possible by then in getting them out of an abusive household.
I know what it's like to be limited due to finances due to being on UC, so I don't have any words of wisdom, but has your area not had any free family/community events.
X

You sound like a wonderful mum who was brave and strong enough to extract them from such a toxic situation. There are various free things you could do, try looking online at free events locally. Or seaside and picnic, eg. Or invite friends over for a sleepover and make pizzas and cookies? They're pretty cheap to make.
Fire pit and marshmallows? My teens love sitting around the fire with friends.
Re the uniform, you could ask on your local FB page if anyone has any uniform for sale, or ask the school if their PTA has any.

I don't know if the Olio app is used much in your area, but you could put a "Wanted" post up for second hand shoes and coats. Olio is also really good for picking up free food.

I wouldn't worry about not having expensive days out. I grew up in a Middle Class home and we very rarely did days out that cost money, and it didn't even cross my mind that I was going without. This habit of having to have lavish family days out is quite recent and a bit over the top. When I was younger, we'd have a trip to a zoo or national trust place maybe once or twice a year, but it waz never an expectation. There are loads of ways to stay entertained without spending money.

Would you be able to find a part time job, or a job working from home?

Do you not get a school uniform grant? I think you would be eligible and it’s about £100 a kid. Should cover trainers and a jacket etc

Would you be eligible for a food bank referral? Might help with the food situation.
Join the Facebook page for your local area. On mine, lots of logo school uniform for various schools in the area, and generic grey skirts/trousers/white shirts are always being offered for free. Worth checking.
How old are your DC?

Don’t feel bad - this is the right thing to do. Do ask for help, that’s a lot of children to sort out, all with different needs, the admin alone is full on - don’t beat yourself up. Once school is back, make sure you make your situation known to each school - in writing, and hopefully various local systems of support will kick in.

Im sure there are ways to get good condition used school shoes for your boys. Have you contacted the school as they often will have spare or donate uniform. Does your area have an ‘I need a whisk’ group? You could post on it asking if anyone is getting rid of any old school uniform or black shoes in size X? There may be charities that can help or you might get MNetters offering so send you second hand gear. I only have very young children or I would offer you anything they have grown out of.

You've already done the best possible thing for them by leaving an abusive relationship- that in itself is a massive accomplishment and one to be proud of. If you only came out of the abusive relationship last year that's still very recent, these things take time to come to terms with and move on from, don't beat yourself up for not being able to work or needing help in the mean time.
I grew up with very little money, we didn't go on days out or anything during school holidays, we only ever went to the seaside in the uk for one week a year with my grandparents. Despite me being very jealous of some of my friends going abroad, I loved my childhood and wouldn't change it for the world. We didn't have much money but we were happy and healthy which I know is cliche but really is the most important thing in a childhood.
I totally understand the feelings you have and you are absolutely not being unreasonable to feel those things but you sound like an incredible mum who is doing her best for her children. There is plenty of time for holidays and fancy trainers, your children just need a happy and healthy mum first and foremost. I'd definitely check the online benefit calculators to make sure you're receiving everything you're entitled to. With you having PTSD is it possible that you could be entitled to pip? Have a look at the criteria and see if you think you meet it. It may take some time but if awarded it it does get backdated so it's worth putting a claim if you feel you are entitled to it

Op said she cannot work due to ptsd.

I feel for you OP but your children are safe and as hard as it is, you learn to look at life differently once you've left an abusive relationship.

Do you have any HAF schemes in your area, check if you are entitled to them. Can send your younger ones and they'll get a hot meal.

Does the school do a secondhand sale or know somewhere that does? Our village hall sells secondhand uniform for our village school for a donation.

I would possibly email school and explain the situation in regards to coats and shoes they might be able to refer you somewhere.

Good luck sounds like you've had a really tough time getting back on your feet.

Sending you support - your children don't have nothing, they have one of life's most important treasures - a mother who loves them and is doing her best. I second advice to consider approaching your local food bank. They very often have advisors who can signpost you to other sources of help and support - benefit checks, school uniform banks, help with debt/budgeting etc. Also worth keeping an eye out on local media pages for offers of free stuff. I wish you strength in your recovery from all that you've been through, and hope for better days ahead. X

Are you sure they wouldn't have liked a picnic in the park?

I would also recommend the HAD scheme for now and other half terms.

Could you have an open house with your children able to invite friends around? My children love that as much as anything. If you have the money provide cheap snacks.

OP have you talked to the GP to see if there is any help of support available for your PTSD? The fastest way to improve your situation would be if your health could improve enough for you to work. Even 16hrs a week would make a difference. Is there any support you can access?

You have dove great escaping a toxic relation and you should commend yourself for that. Your next priority needs to be getting therapy for the PRSD. EMDR has great success rates and you should have a talking therapies that you can self refer to locally. In your shoes ( I was in the same station 20 years ago) I would get myself down to a few local churches that run busy community hub type programs. They tend to offer really comprehensive signposting to all sorts of help. My local church does free/pay what you can community lunches twice a week , free kids meals in school holidays, budgeting help, tech help, repair cafes, and even family support run by volunteers. There is always help for those who seek it out.

autocorrect HAF scheme

@Iwishihad you have done an amazing thing getting you all away from that abusive relationship.

Do you feel able to share roughly where you are? Other MNers may know of other sources of support to help you out, this time of year can be horribly expensive.

Also have a look at the government benefits page here to check that you’re not missing out on anything that you may be entitled to https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

And please do let the schools know about your situation, they can be very helpful in a number of ways.

I understand how difficult this time must be, but you are not a failure. You have got your children to a place of safety.
I would contact womens aid/ domestic violence organisations, and explain. They will have donated stuff. Also contact food bank- they may be able to point you in right direction. Plus it's good to make these contacts now, so you can access help at Christmas.

I hope you are getting the help you need to be able to get back into work as unfortunately that will be the quickest way out of the poverty you’re experiencing right now. In a couple of years your eldest will be able to get a job and buy his own clothes etc. I’m sure your boys would rather be in a safe home. I’d contact the school and ask on local Facebook pages for uniform etc. You can post anonymously on many of them.

Where are you OP?
And how old are your children?
I have plenty of girls clothes age 4 to 7 including school uniform that I'd be happy to send to you.