DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

[GreenMoose]

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

What do you actually do all day, really? Apart from plan your next holiday?

All this m nonsense about the cleaner and OPs dh secretly resenting her for their living arrangements is bizarre. If he didn’t want her to be a sahm then surely he would be saying that?
The message is NOT “I hate my wife and am jealous of her life” it’s “I don’t want to talk about jobs I think are dws jobs on holiday”.

in your situation my response would be to address the rudeness and either do as he asks or offer an alternative that seems good to you.

If you are only getting the children ready for school and doing the school run I can see why he's resentful. Maybe you need to do more round the house or get a job.

Can I throw another theory into the ring? Which I don't think has anything to do with SAHM/non-SAHMs. ( I work outside the home).

I think men and women communicate in different ways. Men want women to get to the point quickly, land the plane as it were. Women like to "ramble" on a bit, it's our way of feeling seen and being heard.

I have noticed this in my communication with DH. Anyone get what I mean?

His message is definitely coming across loud and clear but it's not what you think it is.

This was remotely plausible until the OP mentioned the cooking....

Most holidays don’t consist of lying on the beach when you have kids…

Read the thread. Not what it's about.

Yes, men are direct, straight to the point, know what they want to say and women just witter, it's like white noise. I get exactly what you're saying.

How much patience and respect would you have for a piss taking freeloader who expected you to pay for her lifestyle and couldn't even be arsed to run the hoover around?

You've had 3 holidays this year. You have someone to clean, iron and do washing for you. You dont work. He is pissed off and resentful..

Plenty of parents do ALL that PLUS a 40 hour a week job PLUS the cleaning and cooking. Honestly you are so detached from reality you can't even see how privileged you are. Your husband treats you with such contempt because you have the attitude of a child. You don't work, you don't clean, you don't cook, you don't want to look after your kids (you are complaining your 2 holidays are not holidays because you were looking after them), so what do you actually contribute to the relationship/family? Apart from doing the school run? 😅 You are unbelievable naive if you think there will be a lot of guys treating you any different than your husband does. Just think of the roles were reversed, would you not be snapping at him too?

Oh, I didn't mean it to be pejorative of women at all because I talk a lot. Maybe even witter. But all my women friends say their husbands or partners like a lot of silence, especially as they get older and tireder. And only want to talk about important things. Whereas women like to talk about inconsequential things as it's our way of connecting. I try to witter with my mum rather than inflict it on DH.

This is a big generalisation and I have probably expressed it poorly.

So you’re SAHM, with a cleaner for 12 hours a week who does virtually everything by the sounds of it and you believe that all you should do is get the kids ready in the morning and then pick them up from school? What else do you actually do all day then? I’m not surprised your DH has emotionally checked out - he’s probably totally fed up that you appear to be contributing sod all.

Sorry to say this but if your DH works full time it’s not unreasonable for him to expect you to pull your weight and you’re not, by a long shot. Your children are at school - either go out and get yourself a job or ditch the cleaner and look after your family yourself. Maybe then your DH will stop treating you with contempt.

There was a thread on here the other day where the Dad was the sahp and the Mom was the main earner. She did all the housework and the concluding outcome was the sahp should be grateful they can stay home and should be doing the majority of all housework, if not all the housework. I'm interest to see if thlse same people think you're a cheeky twat as they did the Dad.

How big is your house that it requires 12 hours of cleaning plus what you do on top? You said you wouldn't let hum get away without doing anything so I'm guessing you do more if not equal to the 12 hours?

Maybe he's ratty because he's the one financially running the house as well as paying for someone to clean, iron and wash clothes? You've already had 3 holidays and he's had 1. Doesn't matter if you don't consider them holidays, he clearly does.

What benefits does he gain from you staying at home, other than not having to think about childcare?

I'd like to hear his version. But to be brutally honest, it sounds like he's fed up of you because on paper you appear to be living the life of riley.

When is your plan to go back to work?

@GreenMoose , your life seems to revolve around your family, extended family and your home. Do you have any hobbies? Do you do anything intellectually stimulating?
I can't see how you fill the day otherwise.

Nope. We're the opposite. DH takes forever to get to the point. Drives me loopy.

Probably the same as the rest of us who have also worked and had kids in school.

I think I'd be resentful if I was the only one working when the kids were in school, had someone at home not working and still had to pay 12 hours for a cleaner.

What are you doing for the 6 hours a day when the DC are in school?
I have 2 grown up DC (both with ADHD). I worked FT all the years they were growing up (DH has an always had minimum wage jobs so I had no choice) and did my own housework, washing and ironing.on top of that,5 years ago I did a degree whilst still working FT.
it’s not a competition but I feel you could do more.

This doesn't really help your case 😂

It does sound a very unequal relationship, and possibly not good for either of you in different ways. I have some sympathy for your DH, he’s out working, possibly meeting lots of other people, having to make decisions all day long, so he perhaps wants you to be a bit more decisive in some ways, maybe about what he considers a bit trivial (but he still needs to be involved) I wouldn’t ask his opinion, I would perhaps offer options, then at least he has been consulted. How much beyond that is up to him.
Frankly, yes you have three children, but now at primary school, and a cleaner is in doing the heavy work, so take a long hard look and think, what am I doing with my time? Is now the time to step away from full time mothering, and perhaps become a bit more interesting yourself? Think back to the you that first attracted him on a personality, interests level.
It sounds like you are both in a bit of a rut in terms of daily life, just plodding along, both doing your thing, which might be utterly boring to the other person involved. I would be looking at spending time together somehow just the two of you, to re connect, have a bit of shared fun. It all sounds a bit mundane at the moment, so neither of you are communicating well. He’s snapping, you are coming across as indecisive.
Hope you can work it out.

But all my women friends say their husbands or partners like a lot of silence, especially as they get older and tireder. And only want to talk about important things. Whereas women like to talk about inconsequential things as it's our way of connecting.

Yes of course. Men want to talk about politics and world affairs. Women want to talk about kittens, flower arranging and gossip.

I agree that it sounds like he resents you. If he hasn't told you that he wants you to go back to work /do more house work/cooking, then he is being unreasonable in not making it clear. If he has told you he's not happy with you being home and doing nothing, then I can see why he is annoyed with you. He might have already checked out.

Those saying she should LTB! Lol! What's op going to do? She will end up worse off completely. Will definitely have to get a job and will spend the rest of her life struggling. Her life is pretty perfect at the moment. Let's face it... Most of us are jealous that her only responsibility is taking her kids to school and picking them up!

That's not what I meant at all. I talk about politics a lot. Clearly I have expressed myself badly.

In OP's case, her DH doesn't care about her sister. But she wants to be heard on the subject.

He's probably resentful that you don't do much. He should be kinder but that resentment is clearly coming out in irritability.