DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

[GreenMoose]

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

Your husband is being mean, but I can't get over 12 hours of cleaning a week when your children are all school aged and you are at home..

Projecting? Alright hun 🤷🏾‍♀️ If you say so.

So what do you do between school drop off and school pick up, when the "part time cleaner" that your husband pays for is doing all your housework for you?

Yeah there are loads of us who do this as well as working and without the cleaner.
Let the bloke enjoy his sole holiday that presumably he's paid for.

Having read op last response it sounds like a wind up

He sounds really annoyed tbh.

It doesn’t really matter how you arrange your lives as long as everyone is happy with how things are. I’m a SAHM with a cleaner (more hours than OP) , my DC is in nursery half days and we do a lot of activities, but Dh is happy with how everything is so it’s not an issue. It works for our family.

OP your husband is not happy, it needs to be tackled but he needs to be able to communicate and you need to be able to hear him. He should not be speaking to you like this at all.

Who cares what she does? That's not the issue here. The issue is her husband treating her like shit. If he has an issue he needs to speak up about it. She's not a fucking mind reader.

12 HOURS of cleaning and you don’t work?!

He probably feels that you’re massively taking the piss! He works and has to pay for someone else to clean his house for 12 hours a week when you’re at home all day! Unless you’ve got literally 15 homeschooled wild children, I think YABVVVU! I don’t understand what you do all day, or why you can’t do any chores yourself? I have 2 children, a full time job, my husband works abroad so I’m alone most of the time and I still manage to do all cooking, washing and cleaning - it’s really not that hard?!

He’s probably feeling really fed up and unappreciated and a bit like the relationship is one-sided in terms of labor. I would be! He works but you don’t seem to do anything except take care of your own kids, which most people manage around the housework that he’s paying someone else to do.

I’d also be so annoyed if I worked full time and my husband didn’t do much and then, when I finally got my first holiday of the year, he wanted to talk about boring home stuff when I wanted to relax! And even more so if he had been on two other holidays without me but claimed they weren’t real holidays simply because his own kids were there and he saw family?!

This is so wild I can’t even believe it’s real.

He's probably worried that if he divorces her he'll just end up having to foot the bill for two households and he'll only see his kids every other weekend because she'll claim to be the primary caregiver.

He sounds tired and resentful. But I still don't think he should be speaking to you that way. He should have said " Let's discuss the decorating another time." Dh does a pretty stressful job and often has no energy to discuss stuff. So he says "Let's leave it for the weekend".

We don’t know the full story. He may have given plenty of warnings before getting to this point

God it's all such bollocks. I have no idea why people love giving out a moral beating on here so much. What the OP does, assuming she is being sincere and hasn't just set this thread up as an opportunity to slag SAHMs off, is nobody else's business except her family's. She does not deserve to be treated badly because their family has made a decision about how they lead their lives. If her H has a problem he needs to communicate his feelings himself. He does not have an excuse to be an absolute shitter to his wife.

All the outrage, it's just ridiculous.

The argument could be made that she’s treating him like shit expecting him to go out and knock his pan in while she sits at home with a cleaner for 12 hours a week and “sometimes does cooking”

You’re a SAHM and you (he) still pay a cleaner for 12 hours a week?? What do you do all day while the children are at school?

He probably feels you’re not pulling your weight in the partnership. I’m not sure I blame him. That’s not to say it’s right for him to speak to you like that, but you can’t expect a true partnership in some aspects of your life together but not in others (e.g. financial).

No

Sorry OP. I’d be pissed off and think you were lazy too. What do you between 9-3? If you have a cleaner and the kids are at school? You sound like a bum and I’m with him I would also be annoyed. You need to get a job.

I wouldn't put up with being told to STFU but I also wouldn't expect a man to provide me with a home, holidays and employees to do the tasks a stay at home parent is usually responsible for, particularly when DC are school age. He's not communicating the issue well but it's not unreasonable that he is unhappy.

No, it couldn't. Because they agreed this set-up and he is the one who insisted on the cleaner. If he wants to change things, he needs to communicate it, instead of doling out nasty comments.

He is acting resentful. He is in the wrong if he hasnt said anything and let it all build up to the pount he is telling you the STFU. Thats childish behavior IMO. He needs to communicate what he needs from you. If its not resentment and being equal with each other, then I would say he doesnt like you anymore…

He has told her. He said he keeps his work shit at work and doesn't burden her with it and he would like her to do likewise. He considers decorating and deciding what to get her sister for her birthday to be the OP's circus and the OP's monkeys and he doesn't want to hear about it during the only time in his year that he gets to relax.

His message is coming across loud and clear.

So, instead of speaking up about it, you'd call your life partner names and swear at them? That's an acceptable way for an adult to handle the situation?

You must have wuite a bit of free time with 3 kids in school and a cleaner coming in 12 hours a week. The fact you're on your third holiday speaks volumes, even if in your opinion it doesn't 'count'. And I'm afraid I'd have replied along the same lines to a partner asking what they should get for their sibling: your family, your problem.

Not saying he's justified in speaking to you like that, he obviously isn't, but I can see where the resentment is coming from and you need to have a proper chat.

Give him a release once in a while.

This

He did communicate it and asked her not to talk about these things on their holiday because he wasn’t talking about his boring work problems.