Mums of sons. (Hard hat on for this)

[Daniagainagainagainagain]

Apologies for the grabby title. I've NC'd for this as I have a few running threads currently with very outing and personal details on.

Anyway back to the point.
I see SO many threads on here where the topic about the thread is about a guy. It's not even necessarily bad about the bloke in question, but so many many posters just seem to hate men. Not give them the benefit of the doubt. Tear them a new arsehole for merely posting on MN asking for advice. There was a thread recently about a woman seeing a really nice guy, a gentlemen as she described him where he had been separated for literally YEARS but wasn't divorced. Turns out there were cultural differences meaning divorce in that country is very rare. People kept saying 'throw him back in the sea' 'he's a liar' one poster called him a wanker.. there was no evidence that he was a wanker and the OP seemed happy with the guy. Just more people clutching for their moment to berate men. It's always the guys fault on here no matter what.

It's always the same posters more often than not berating men, shooting them down, and just hating them. I wonder, do these women posters have sons? If so, do you think your sons are exempt from such awful insults because 'my boy would never'? I can't imagine these posters talking about their sons like that. So do you pick and choose, is it one rule for your sons and one for all other men?

Before it labelled being 'cool' I have just got out of a 10 year abusive relationship where ex cheated multiple times to the point of police involvement. I am not naive to think some of these guys deserve what they get.

AIBU? To think there's huge double standards? To call strangers with no reason to, wankers, but to also think the son shines out of your son's arses?

I know I'll probably ruffle some feathers but I'd genuinely like to know. And yes I have DC.

A good balanced reply, thank you!

A single man got called a rapist on her because he saw a professional escort.
My comment was.
If a woman is doing a job she likes and wants to do and not hurting any one thats ok on MN. But if a man pays this woman and shes happy to do so because thats her job he`s called a rapist.
If a woman cheats she is told by MN to keep it to her self and say nothing if a man cheats hes scum.
MN is very bitter and two faced.
And half of the women on here cant clean up there homes because they have a child they must have cleaners.
Some dont want anything to do with an ex but very happy to chase him for money that never seems to be enough and want more.
The list goes on.

Reddit, fill your boots.

I’ve left that site for good so I don’t fancy going back to find you specific sub-forums, but it’s not exactly hard to find.

I just made a similar comparison to the comment you responded to (I hadn't seen their's before I posted), and yes it is textbook double standard.

I see what the Op is saying, but I don't think she's entirely right.

There was a thread a few days ago with a mum of young children who wanted to bring her brother who had been a drug user to live with them, and the dh wasn't keen. The thread, at the time I saw it, was full of "you're a hero" "ignore your dh" "you're doing a wonderful thing". Whereas I am sure I've seen similar where it's the dh's relative and it's "if he does it then leave, he's not respecting you" "tell him it's a deal breaker" "not fair on the children" etc.

So there is an aspect that there are double standards, and I don't think the difference was simply different people answering.

But equally well swapping the roles doesn't always make an equal situation. For example when the dc were little if dm had wanted to move in next door, it would have been very different than if mil had wanted to, just for the simple reason that I was a sahm and so I'd have been dealing with whichever most of the time.
Actually I wouldn't have wanted either next door, because I like my space but I would have found it far easier to have dm that then mil, simply because I know her better.

I grew up with 2 brothers and 8 close male cousins, I have a son and 3 of my friends have 8 male only offspring. I don’t know the intimate details of these guys relationships but, 2 of the men have divorced abusive wives and a third looks like he is in a controlling relationship. So, OP, I agree that there seems to be an awful lot of hate for men on here, without weighing up pros and cons. I do worry about my son and how he will stand up for himself against women like some of those on this site. A thread started yesterday by a man asking if it was reasonable to ask his MiL to increase her household contribution became very nasty with personal comments very quickly, had this been a woman posting I doubt many of those posters would have bothered replying.

The older I become, the more my opinion of men declines. I’m never surprised to hear anything negative about any men anymore. The relationships around me are all unequal. The ones where men are loving husbands or involved fathers, the women still do more and are recognized less. I do not have any sons.

'You meant to weaponsie people's trauma and use it as a stick to heat women with, but with no ill intent? Ok, then'

@ColinMyWifeBridgerton

Oh yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing.

I've literally written my own trauma above if you read the whole thread.

It is possible to hold in tension that men are responsible for violence against women at a rate which is frightening, that men are socialised - however inadvertently - in ways which hamper gender equality, and that individual men in our lives are thoughtful, allies, and doing their own work to make the world better for women.

I agree with you OP. MN is famous for double standards.
One poster complained that her partner was a Mummy's boy ( a favourite term of abuse to simultaneously put down a man and an older woman.) She followed by saying that she wasn't happy with him on holiday and wanted her Mum.

Men and MILs can do nothing right on Mumsnet.

I've regularly tried to point out where responses have been the polar opposite of what the same poster/s would have said had the OP been about a woman, but I get shot down every time, by people who can't think past their prejudice.

Likewise when I defend a MIL, I get 'accused of' being a MIL. I'm not. I only have daughters and sons in law, but I can still see where a MIL is being treated unfairly.

It maddens me sometimes. You can't defend a man/most men without the instant NAMALT accusation. But the fact is that it isn't all men, illogically blaming all men for the actions of a few, is wrong, and the same people would be infuriated by a blanket criticism of women by a man

For instance, upthread, someone is justifying having a go at a hapless guy who asked for help here, by saying 'but men kill women, so what's a bit of an insult on a forum'.
Well unless that guy had actually killed a woman, or intends to, that logic is barking mad.

Also OP, if you do have a son or sons of your own, there's a distinct possibility they'll grow up to be arseholes too. That applies to all of our boys. We all hope they won't, and we do our best, but just look at the influences in the outside world and what we have to compete with. Toxic masculinity is everywhere. Some of our sons have been unlucky enough to grow up with it in their own homes - mine did, sounds like yours have too.

I saw that and I totally agree.

I don't have a son, if I was ever lucky enough to have another child and I had a son, I would also worry about them standing up to the types of women on here. Of the women on here that I'm specifically talking about, are anything like a future MIL for my hypothetical son, I would really worry.

A man's career and life can be ruined in any moment by a false accusation. You hear that a lot more with men, than women.

That's a very wild assumption, I don't have sons.

No of course not.

Which means I tend not to generalise or make assumptions.

AIBU? To think there's huge double standards? To call strangers with no reason to, wankers, but to also think the son shines out of your son's arses?

All I’m saying is without cross checking we / you don’t know whether or not there are huge double standards. Or posters who think the sun shines out of their sons’arses however badly they behave.

Yeah the stuff I've seen on here is baffling. Man comes home an hour late, affair. Man has toothbrush in car, affair. Man stayed in the pub a bit later than planned, affair. Blah blah blah. Load of bullshit. So many men haters on here.

I only have one question to you OP, if you don’t mind.

Do you also go to more male heavy sites and ask them why do they talk about women the way that they do?
Or do you only try to police women?
And only care about men’s feelings?

Oops!
That was actually three question, but still, if you don’t mind answering.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice sorry that wasn't meant to be quoted to you

But yes absolutely I agree with your point, these sons can grow up to be arseholes and if I had my own they could too! We can only do our best. What I was trying to say in the OP is these women berating men will have sons too, and they can also grow up to be arseholes

(Sorry for quoting you before, wrong post I got mixed up!)

It wasn't an assumption, do you know what the word 'if' means?

I am on Reddit. I have asked a PP for an example of a male dominated site, I'd be interested to see.

There's probably foul behaviour on there too.. like there is everywhere.

I work in a very male dominated environment, if that's any relevance.

I just made a similar comparison to the comment you responded to (I hadn't seen their's before I posted), and yes it is textbook double standard.

Only if the (presumably made up) posts you used in your 'example' @Eldrick47s were made by one poster. Otherwise it's just different posters having different opinions.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice

I replied afterwards explaining that I don't mean that reply to you. There's a lot of replies on here and I got hours muddled up.

This is exactly the bizarre double standard one sees on here.

In my experience, men who are lovely to their mums also make good partners.

Women can be just as vile as some of the men.
Ive read other threads and the poster is just abusive and nagging and moaning hard work for her partner.
Yet again on MN shes right he`s wrong.
Dont get started on the parenting or older mums.

You are making yourself look very immature. Are you not capable of adult conversation?