Mums of sons. (Hard hat on for this)

[Daniagainagainagainagain]

Apologies for the grabby title. I've NC'd for this as I have a few running threads currently with very outing and personal details on.

Anyway back to the point.
I see SO many threads on here where the topic about the thread is about a guy. It's not even necessarily bad about the bloke in question, but so many many posters just seem to hate men. Not give them the benefit of the doubt. Tear them a new arsehole for merely posting on MN asking for advice. There was a thread recently about a woman seeing a really nice guy, a gentlemen as she described him where he had been separated for literally YEARS but wasn't divorced. Turns out there were cultural differences meaning divorce in that country is very rare. People kept saying 'throw him back in the sea' 'he's a liar' one poster called him a wanker.. there was no evidence that he was a wanker and the OP seemed happy with the guy. Just more people clutching for their moment to berate men. It's always the guys fault on here no matter what.

It's always the same posters more often than not berating men, shooting them down, and just hating them. I wonder, do these women posters have sons? If so, do you think your sons are exempt from such awful insults because 'my boy would never'? I can't imagine these posters talking about their sons like that. So do you pick and choose, is it one rule for your sons and one for all other men?

Before it labelled being 'cool' I have just got out of a 10 year abusive relationship where ex cheated multiple times to the point of police involvement. I am not naive to think some of these guys deserve what they get.

AIBU? To think there's huge double standards? To call strangers with no reason to, wankers, but to also think the son shines out of your son's arses?

I know I'll probably ruffle some feathers but I'd genuinely like to know. And yes I have DC.

I think this is really sad, I personally don't have experience of this but I do see a lot of MIL threads on here full of MIL bashing.

Men and MIL and Step Parents on MN are the ones who get the most abuse.

I completely disagree. I think a lot of posters here have very good, decent men in their lives, hence they have higher expectations of the men around them, as they're not surrounded by arsehole men. The men in my life are generally wonderful, so I have no reason to criticise them. I think the posters that are all too eager to post shite like 'all men use porn, all men cheat, it's just natural, men aren't hands on with babies as they just don't know how to be, men just aren't as good with children, men are always oogling women, shame on women for breastfeeding in public because men can't help but look at a breast' and so on ad infinitum are the ones who really hate men. Because they have such pathetically low expectations of them.

It's perfectly possible to dislike the behaviour of some men, whilst still loving one's husband, sons, father, grandfather, uncles, male cousins and friends, and so on. It's not one or the other, and I really don't understand why you see it that way?

It’s the fact that I have sons that means I know what fools they can be, so no double standards here….

Why would I need a spreadsheet when there's countless threads on here?
Do you keep a spreadsheet of all of your experiences?

It’s the double standards more than anything…

Man: Wife isn’t intimate I’m fantasising about someone else
Responses: You’re a selfish bastard, it’s all your fault, you are a vile human.

Woman: Husband isn’t intimate I’m fantasising about someone else
Responses: Do it and keep it secret, you deserve better than your husband, it’s not your fault

Etc etc

I also agree OP. I have 4 sons and hate to see the vitriol on here directed at men.
Yes, there are bad men who should be lambasted, but equally, there are good men who work hard,support women in general and their families in particular. Every one of us makes mistakes but MN is generally more accepting of women who make mistakes than men. Why is that?
For the avoidance of doubt, I would be the first to criticise those who cheat, hurt women, have a porn addiction etc, etc but some of the responses on here seem to vilify men for simply existing.

Tbh, the way I see it is sometimes women need to vent about that kind of stuff or to be able to speak from their own experience, that's one of the benefits of a (predominantly) female only space. IRL a lot of the women I know do the same thing. Comments outside of the guidelines can be reported and removed. If you don't like what's being discussed, you're not compelled to read it or use mn at all.

I am so, so sorry you've been through that. I really hope you are as okay as can be now, and even though you've been through hell and back, you still have a balanced view when it comes to men and relationships.

Sorry, what's the question?

And why do we mums of sons have the answer?

Do you personally know any woman who has been killed by their partner?

A lot of groups of people get grief on here. MIL’s tend to get labelled narcs for example. Plus all the silly stuff some MN’s foam at the mouth over - toilet brushes, salting your food etc.
A lot of it is people projecting I suppose.

I agree with you OP
I actually commented as much on a few of them.

I agree that misery loves company and totally agree with your point.

It was the truth.

Men get killed by men too.

Male suicide is also much higher than amongst women.

How about we look at why this might be - poverty, joblessness, cultural factors, males falling behind in education - rather than choose one easy obvious fact.

God that's brilliant.

MN in a nutshell.

Careful, you'll be labelled as being 'cool' and for 'saving the dicks'

I think developments like palm-top porn and OLD have lead to some women having such a series of bad experiences, they've just retired hurt and assumed it's an un-winnable tech-driven state of affairs.

Is that the kind of thing you mean?

That's not double standards though, unless a poster is literally posting your first example on one thread, and the same poster is posting your second example on another. If that is happening, yeah, definite double standards. But I think it's primarily just different people having different opinions.

I couldent care what others think.

Most of the threads I see on here re men and red flags are absolutely spot on, and they are right to advise OP to be careful, but I have to admit, it’s a wonder anyone finds a long term relationship these days because anything and everything gets branded a red flag. I think the OLD culture hasn’t helped because no one wants to commit to anyone, which means anyone who intended to commit also becomes wary! There are more single, childless people now than ever. I don’t think it’s a co incidence!

Perfectly put!

I don't see it that way, I posted because a lot of others see it that way.

The same posters over and over again posting at how much they hate men.
Rarely do you see these posters saying 'I don't like their behaviour' they just call men wankers, tell the women to leave, accuse them of being sex pests and wankers.

It is double standards. I wrote an example a few posts back.

So true!

See also-

My husband has gained a lot of weight and looks unhealthy.

Responses - Have a gentle talk with him/ encourage him to look as his diet/ start exercising.

My wife has gained a lot of weight and looks unhealthy.

Responses - Are you just as gorgeous as you were 20 years ago? How dare you notice this? Perhaps it’s your fault…

We live in a world where men still have the upper hand in terms of earning, power, status and so on.
Instead of venting about other posters, I think a sensible discussion about how to raise sons so they don't turn out to be total wankers would be much better. Yes I've a son, and I'd actually welcome this.