Mums of sons. (Hard hat on for this)

[Daniagainagainagainagain]

Apologies for the grabby title. I've NC'd for this as I have a few running threads currently with very outing and personal details on.

Anyway back to the point.
I see SO many threads on here where the topic about the thread is about a guy. It's not even necessarily bad about the bloke in question, but so many many posters just seem to hate men. Not give them the benefit of the doubt. Tear them a new arsehole for merely posting on MN asking for advice. There was a thread recently about a woman seeing a really nice guy, a gentlemen as she described him where he had been separated for literally YEARS but wasn't divorced. Turns out there were cultural differences meaning divorce in that country is very rare. People kept saying 'throw him back in the sea' 'he's a liar' one poster called him a wanker.. there was no evidence that he was a wanker and the OP seemed happy with the guy. Just more people clutching for their moment to berate men. It's always the guys fault on here no matter what.

It's always the same posters more often than not berating men, shooting them down, and just hating them. I wonder, do these women posters have sons? If so, do you think your sons are exempt from such awful insults because 'my boy would never'? I can't imagine these posters talking about their sons like that. So do you pick and choose, is it one rule for your sons and one for all other men?

Before it labelled being 'cool' I have just got out of a 10 year abusive relationship where ex cheated multiple times to the point of police involvement. I am not naive to think some of these guys deserve what they get.

AIBU? To think there's huge double standards? To call strangers with no reason to, wankers, but to also think the son shines out of your son's arses?

I know I'll probably ruffle some feathers but I'd genuinely like to know. And yes I have DC.

The Oxford dictionary describes two definitions of the word "epidemic":

1. A large number of cases of a particular disease or medical condition happening at the same time in a particular community.

1. A sudden rapid increase in how often something bad happens.

If you have a problem with the second definition of the word "epidemic", take it up with the Oxford dictionary.

https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/epidemic_1

In the UK there are twice as many men killed by other men than women killed by men. So to claim this is some kind of gendered issue or mysogyny is simply being untethered from reality

But the crucial point I'm making is that it's not indicative of societal misogyny, as it's not weighted towards women. I fact the opposite is true

are you smoking crack @Beljin? you’re literally stating stats that make the opposite point to that you seem to wish to make.

and then you suggest that there is no societal misogyny/ patriarchy. In fact it’s the other way round. Uh huh

Sure, that is a recent popularised usage of epidemic and Oxford does add new usages every year to their dictionary.

It doesn’t mean I have to agree with the connotations of these new usages.

I'm proud to say the my married son is a good dad, never to busy to play with the kids, cook dinner or tidy up. He was never to proud to change a nappy or look after his wife and kids when they're ill.

My DiL told me that people have asked to have him when she's fed up of him

But if a woman does all that nobody notices or dismisses it as her natural role that she should be doing it automatically. She is not seen. As soon as a man does it he is an amazing human being and hailed a hero.

That is the double standards right there. And many women here call that out especially on the Relationship board.

((Deliberately didn't quote or tag as just using the post as an example rather than directing it at the poster)).

I've NC'd for this as I have a few running threads currently with very outing and personal details on.

Is there some reason you would not like to be associated with your own opinions on this matter, OP?

I was never too proud to change the nappies of my own children but ain't nobody praising me! I wonder why.

Yes. Like another recent thread where a 21y dad was lauded for staying with his girlfriend and being a dad of two. Amazing partner, father etc. I rolled my eyes. Staying with your pregnant partner and parenting the kids you created is the bare minimum that should be expected from a man. No medals given from me.

Well a lot of users lack comprehension hence why posts aren’t read/understood properly. Many users seem to be lonely/bored so just want to be contrary. You see the black & white thinking on most threads but in reality there is a whole lot of grey.

I've been accused of being a man hater on here. Wrongly as i happens. I have advised male OPs politely and constructively and told women if i think they are being unfair to male partners. But people who throw out man hater when theyre on the weak end of an argument dont bother to take a balanced view. I have two adult sons.
I criticise behaviour, so if my sons did some of the things described on here, like cheat, lie, do nothing around the house, be poor fathers, then no they wouldn't be exempt. Why would they?
I also recognise on a wider level the disproportionate contribution men make to some of the most serious problems in society, sexual crime, violence and murder. How could I not when the stats are explicit and the problem has been called an emergency by the police?

To the best of my knowledge my sons dont contribute to these stats, just as many men dont. So when i talk about problems with men, if the cap doesnt fit a man, he doesnt need to wear it. My sons know this. They also know from insider experience that men can be a huge problem for women and wouldnt expect me to stay silent about that for fear of offending good men. Good men wouldnt be offended.

Why do so many women put up with crap men though? I was agog when I first read some MNs threads about relationships. It’s not something I see in my life.

Why is the bar so low for men. Depressing.

I saw the other thread you described op.

I don't think it was a question of hating men per say, rather I saw posters had a disbelief in the op.

She was euphoric after two dates, known the man a year, after admitting she had been separated a year, yet had only two dates.

She also sounded nonchalant of the abuse she had suffered at the hands of her ex.

People often change details of course but call it second sense, this to me at least sounded like a woman who had won the prize, so to speak.
Things sounded unresolved, the judgement you speak of is probably alarm bells going off from not just the male's details but the the female's exuberance.

So all in all inconsistancies, there have been many posts at the moment like this, where the op's high is utterly palpable.

I think there are quite a few wise posters on mumsnet, some like to think they just want to shit on other people's dreams, I don't believe that is the case.

Absolute bs.

I've been on several threads like these from both sexes. Unless the lack of sex is situational (in which case the advise focuses on the situation), the replies normally follow the pattern of try x,y,z , talk to each other, see a therapist and THEN (for both sexes) you deserve better than this, leave , don't cheat.

I know more than one, although I don’t know what anyone’s personal experience has to do with actual statistics.

You say you were in an abusive relationship? I hope you’re having therapy to help you come to terms with that, your attitude towards women in this post in regards to men is giving off some red flags as being vulnerable to attracting a similar type of man again.

There are all sorts of mental gymnastics on here - the people who cannot see past their own experience to imagine different perspectives, the ones with an axe to grind that make everything about that, no matter where it starts and the ones who just want to say something horrible or troll-y.

'@Daniagainagainagainagain could you please explain why you think women are to blame for staying with neglectful men, but not to blame for staying with abusive men? For someone who apparently doesn't like double standards, this seems to be incredibly hypocritical.

I am against victim blaming for victims of both neglect and assault. Why are your standards so inconsistent?'

@SquirrelMadness

The post where I said the woman was silly for putting up with it, was in regards to a guy playing golf and shining his balls. That is vastly different to emotional and physical abuse, where the only blame is on the man or woman who is the abuser. There is no victim blaming for abuse, I have never said such a thing. Because I don't believe that.

But if you choose to settle for a man (or woman) who puts their hobbies first and slacks at home, then you choose to put up with it. It's as simple as that. Domestic abuse, and a partner who has their priorities wrong are VASTLY different.

That's as best as I can explain it. Not double standards at all, just different opinions on both very different scenarios.

Where do you reckon the OP fits into your categories?

The whole premise of this thread is bs.

I find it hard to believe OP is a woman.

There is an anti-men culture on here. But perhaps it’s just bad experiences influencing opinions.🤷‍♀️

@Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear

I thought it was pretty horrible for OP to reply to a woman sharing the statistics of women murdered by male partners each year asking if she 'personally knows' any women who were murdered by a male partner.

Because her motive was surely either to suggest the statistics are inflated or to suggest that women shouldn't share the figures unless personally affected.

Both of which are pretty horrible takes on it tbh.

Perhaps if those weren't her motives, OP can explain her thinking behind asking that poster the question she did?

There's nothing to fix, you don't know a thing about my situation. I would rather staple my nipples than 'fix' my relationship. One of the proudest things I've ever done is walk away with my daughter in tow.

I walked away from a domestic abusive relationship and I'm still in therapy. If I choose to write a post on here that's my own prerogative. No ones holding a gun to your head forcing you to comment. Simply run along.

Yeah and male dominated sites are a perfect oasis of fluffy commentary and NAWALT posts 🤣

This IS double standards.

In one case you are saying the woman is to blame for her partner's poor behaviour (putting his hobbies first and ignoring the needs of his partner and children, which is neglect). In your case (quite rightly) you are saying that you were not to blame for the behaviour of your partner.

Nobody is to blame for the behaviour of their partner, whether that behaviour is neglectful or abusive.

The woman who is being neglected by her golf loving partner is no more to blame for her partner's behaviour than you are. I also don't know how else to explain this.

Women stay with abusive shit men for the same reasons you didn't leave the first time you were cheated on. You put up with it too, drop the faux ignorance. You're no better.

Did you really try to imply that being in an abusive relationship is now labelled as cool? I’m hoping I’ve misunderstood you.