He says I can't meet his friends until I get a promotion??

[Burritowrap]

I have been seeing someone for around a year now. We are exclusive and see each other twice a week or so.
He has been on a beach trip with my friends but seemed awkward but got over the initial awkwardness.
He talks about marriage, moving in together and has told his family about me.

This weekend we went for a meal for their birthday. I had made a big fuss for their day, organising a cake, gifts and took them to a fancy restaurant. I thought he enjoyed it.

He then was talking about some party he is planning to hold, and i said how great it would be to finally meet his friends. He went all sketchy and said how he didnt want that to happen just yet. I asked him why and he couldnt really answer me. He told me he could possibly introduce me once I had a promotion at work so then he could show off my role. (We are both in the same profession).

He then went on during the night saying how I am very full on and he doesnt like it - he wants to wait five years for kids (I don't) and that I should be focusing on my career. He was complaining how I want to get married and he wants to wait. He was the one who bought it all up.

I am so hurt by all of these things. I thought we were on the same page and he just has made me feel terrible. I feel like why bring all of this up on his birthday night... Im not sure how to respond but havent spoken to him since as I am just so upset and done.

You need to run and run fast!
He is using you and treating you badly.
Why would you let someone do that to you? While you are wasting your life with this person you could be missing out on meeting someone who would be perfect for you.

^^ this!

No way do his friends and family not know how old he is 😂

Op why are you not addressing the fact you have never met his friends or family? How has he fobbed you off for a whole year?

@Burritowrap
RUN!!! He sounds like a mean, petty, controlling little twat. He won't change. Don't waste a second more on him. He's already given you red flags about how crap of a father he'd be..."just get a nanny to raise them & get back to your career." NO. Just NO.

Yes, it looks like it. Another thread that starts with one remark, and opens a can of worms. And yes, it's this accepting of scraps that women do that baffles me. No bench mark of what is a decent man or what it a good relationship, I agree . it baffles me beyond belief. Why, why, why?

💯💯💯💯💯

So if you get a promotion you are worthy, then if for any reason you were made redundant or lost your job, you would be back behind the curtain? And you're still wondering whether this is relationship material?

Op, why haven’t you responded to the other woman comments?

I work in the private sector so things work very differently! We know when jobs and promotions are coming up and the logical next step for a Deputy is Head. Its interesting when people say, oh your educated and a professional! You should know what to do! Teachers are human, we have the same tries and tribulations as others but we spend 12 hours a day working! Things are not always easy and navigating relationships can be testing for any profession. I know the signs of abuse, coersive control and bad behaviour, sometimes putting it to practice in your own life is hard.

I am shocked at the amount of responses - thank you to you all - consider him dumped!

Well done OP!

Dont take the comments by posters saying you should have seen the signs to heart. Like you said sometimes you just don’t see it in your own life. Take this as a life lesson and think no more about it.

Your ‘Person’ is out there, you just haven’t met him yet.

I’m proud of you for getting rid of the rubbish but be sure to block him on everything as he will be back. X

He is embarrassed of you. I couldn’t get past that.

Eta. Seen the update. Well done OP!

@Burritowrap posted less than 24 hours ago! Just wow @onionspring !

Glad to read you are dumping him.
He isn't father material.
He sounds controlling and potentially abusive.
He is already old for fatherhood, not to mind 5 years from now.
Be glad you now know.

I think you’ve dodged a bullet. I’m so sorry he wasn’t what he was advertising. There are plenty of nicer people out there.

This

He hasn't introduced you to his family.
He hasn't introduced you to his friends.
When you say it'll be good to meet his friends, he makes up a frankly RIDICULOUS excuse as to why he won't introduce you yet.

There is literally no-one on his planet who wouldn't introduce their girlfriend to family and friends after a year because she doesn't have a particular job title yet.

It's an excuse. He cast around for any excuse under pressure and grabbed that - which is nonsensical.

(You must be a very good person all round for him to have such trouble manufacturing any excuse as to why he isn't introducing you to his family and friends).
This reminds me a small amount of a thread with a poster whose bf wouldn't take her to a BBQ with friends because she apparently didn't have fancy enough clothes with her to wear to it, he then wouldn't take her to his gym/pool (with their child) because first of all she wasn't well dressed enough and then (when she pointed out she had clean, presentable clothes on and she was only going to spectate), he said her hair wasn't "done" enough. A poster pointed out that he didn't want seen with her at the gym, I asked her if he'd ever been involved with other women and - what a shock - he'd been caught cheating with multiple women during the earlier stages of the relationship.

When men make up ludicrous excuses as to why his gf can't attend events and be seen there as his partner.... There is something going on.

He also claimed his friends don't know about his birthday; unlikely - given his other behaviour, it's more likely he had an event/meeting with them for his birthday but excluded you.

He's hiding you.

So .... Why is he making up ludicrous excuses for why you can't be introduced to his family and friends??

I can't think of many reasons other than that you're not his main partner.

There's something very sketchy going on with him. His you'll get to the bottom of it, I don't know.

Is it even worth the energy of getting to the bottom of it.

It doesn't work like that at private schools either though.

The appointing body (governing body/trustees) will still undertake a rigorous recruitment process and very often an external candidate will be appointed. The Deputy Head doesn't just get a tap on the shoulder because they've been in post a while and are therefore "up for promotion".

Either you have been formally offered the job, or you haven't.

Speculative and rude.

Well done, OP.
Did you dump him by text?
I reckon that's all he deserves.

I have been formally offered the job.