He says I can't meet his friends until I get a promotion??

[Burritowrap]

I have been seeing someone for around a year now. We are exclusive and see each other twice a week or so.
He has been on a beach trip with my friends but seemed awkward but got over the initial awkwardness.
He talks about marriage, moving in together and has told his family about me.

This weekend we went for a meal for their birthday. I had made a big fuss for their day, organising a cake, gifts and took them to a fancy restaurant. I thought he enjoyed it.

He then was talking about some party he is planning to hold, and i said how great it would be to finally meet his friends. He went all sketchy and said how he didnt want that to happen just yet. I asked him why and he couldnt really answer me. He told me he could possibly introduce me once I had a promotion at work so then he could show off my role. (We are both in the same profession).

He then went on during the night saying how I am very full on and he doesnt like it - he wants to wait five years for kids (I don't) and that I should be focusing on my career. He was complaining how I want to get married and he wants to wait. He was the one who bought it all up.

I am so hurt by all of these things. I thought we were on the same page and he just has made me feel terrible. I feel like why bring all of this up on his birthday night... Im not sure how to respond but havent spoken to him since as I am just so upset and done.

Hmm. I’ve never known a school where someone can be “up for promotion” to become a head teacher. It would normally involve a rigorous interview process. Unless it’s for an acting head teacher until a permanent one is found. I could be wrong, of course. I also don’t understand how someone in a deputy head position, presumably with a high level of intelligence, needs people on the internet to tell them what to do or how to “dump” someone. 😬

dump.total no contact.theres literally millions of men in this world.hes not worth holding onto

op your self confidence must be in the gutter to have stuck at this “relationship” and once you have finished with him, i would urge you to seek some therapy otherwise this won’t be last (and i suspect far front the first) man to treat you like dog shite

how far in to your thirties are you?

He's telling you loud and clear exactly what sort of prick bloke he is. The sooner you dump him and move on, the better.

You've never met his friends and it's pretty clear he intends for that to continue to be the case. It also sounds like you've never met his family either - you say in your OP that he "has told his family about me". Told.

He's keeping you away from his friends and family. You have no way of knowing if these people are even aware of your existence. You are, to be blunt, his dirty little secret. Now, why do you think that would be?

He could be ashamed of them, and not want you to meet his alcoholic mother, jailbird father, racist grandparents, shoplifting sisters and hooligan brothers and friends. Nah, doesn't really sound that plausible, does it? Most of us have some embarrassing friends/family, but not EVERYONE falls into that category!

So, if it's not them - all of them - that only leaves you and your relationship with him. You sound fab! That leaves the relationship as something he wants to hide.

Now, others have speculated that he is already married, which could be the case. Equally, he could be telling the truth that his has never married, never had kids.

So let's consider that possibility. He's 44, never married, no kids, dating a woman in her early 30s, a deputy head teacher, for the past year. Has ensured she has never met his friends, never met his family. Has just made it clear to her that there are preconditions to her being allowed to meet his friends, preconditions which he would expect would prevent any meetings happening for several years. He has stated that he would want to wait 5 years before having children, which would take her into her mid-to-late 30s. Should he renage on this when the 5 years are up, she would be min-to-late 30s and have to dump him, find another partner, get pregnant, etc in a very short timeframe.

Everything points to him being a Future Faker. He has no intention of ever getting married or having children - he considers reaching 44 unmarried and childless as a great success, and intends to continue. It's getting a bit harder to fake now, so he has to keep girlfriends away from his friends and family as said F&F will give the game away in normal conversation. They will mention in passing the Ex-GFs who drifted off because he refused to commit. They will joke about his intention to stat single and childless. The nice F&F may even pull you to one side and say 'You do know he has no intention of ever marrying or having a family, don't you? I'd feel terrible if you wasted your fertile years on him if you do want children'. And THAT is why he has compartmentalised you. He dare not have you meet his friends and family, not while you're still young enough to chuck him and find a better man to marry and have a family with. No, he wants to string you along until you give up all hope of having a family. The Future he alludes to with you is FAKE.

Get out now and find a nice man to marry and have children with. He is not that man.

As to whether to dump him face-to-face or not? Do what you are most comfortable with. You owe a Future Faker nothing but contempt, so don't feel you owe him any consideration. However you choose to dump him, the only important thing is that you DO dump him, and reclaim your Future from the Faker.

Best wishes @Burritowrap. Your future is going to be really splendid, you Headteacher, wife and mother, you!

surely surely your friends have heard about what what’s been going on and are

“WTF leave him!”

what has your relationship history been like op?

Oh no, the 44 year old teenager who wants a trophy. If he is in teaching somewhere god help anyone who has to deal with him. Immature little danger.
So you know you need to move on. I know it is hard but don’t get trapped into time frames around jobs and children. If you get offered the promotion take it!
Don’t take on any man just to have a baby - then you will have two babies and the big one will require more care than the tiny one.
Come on OP you are worth more than this idiot who is vain about his age.
I don’t think he’s married I think he’s an eternal bachelor who strings women along, sells them a future, that he can’t deliver in any way. In twenty years he will still be propping up a bar somewhere in denial. With dyed hair, an earring and a paisley shirt.
Now go and delete him from your register, you don’t even need to send him a report, just expel him.
Peggy’s class is dismissed.

He’s 44 and he wants to wait 5 years to TTC? He’ll be 49. I’m sure he’s aware that sperm quality also deteriorates. He doesn’t want a family- he may already have one

Also op, him being the one to bring up about marriage and moving in etc, then tells you he wants to wait is basically love bombing you to tell you everything you want to hear, then gaslighting you by saying he isn’t ready and that you’re being too full on. He’s a manipulative little twat isn’t he!!

I bet he hasn’t told his family about you at all. He’s just saying he had. How would you even know if he’s told them, you only have his word for it and so far he’s lied to you.

Dump him by text. A simple “I don’t think this is working, goodbye” would be enough 😬

He doesn't love you just as you are. And his flakey carrots of meeting friends, marriage and children are pathetic and meaningless.
In your shoes I'd be so angry he wasted my time with his pretence, and start plotting how best to pop his ego asap with a grand dumping.

He wants a trophy wife
You deserve someone who wants you just as you are and wants the same as you do.
I'm not surprised he's never been married.

I find it odd that he has managed to keep you away from his circle of friends, as in my experience (although admittedly I'm now retired) teaching is one of those professions where people know people, if only by repute. Unless, of course one of you has recently moved from a different part of the country. Supply teachers are particularly useful for gleaning information.
I would suggest digging around a bit, if it were not so obviously a futile exercise.

Can't wait till he seems your updated LinkedIn profile:

Burrito wrap, Deputy Head

Leaving douchbag men behind, forever!

Honestly? You should go out with a man who really likes you and wants you to spend time with his friends. You’ve wasted enough time on this one.

Secondly, he’s too old for you. If you are 32 (say) then, when you are 48, he will be 60. Move on.

Given the reason, I would email him as though you are the recruiter for a job he's applied for. Something along the lines of:

Dear So-and-so

Thank you for your recent application for the role of long term partner and possible future spouse.

After careful consideration, we have decided not to progress your application and will be looking for a more suitable candidate. It became clear during the interview phase that you do not share our values or vision. The disconnect is so significant that we feel further discussion is pointless and we would ask that you do not reapply in the future.

We wish you all the best in your ongoing search and hope that you can, in time, find someone that is as shallow as you are.

Sincerely

Who is he - Jeff Bezos?

So he's married and you are his 'dirty' little secret.
44 is probably not his real age.
Please OP stop any interaction with this man for good. Text him yo say this is not working for you and do not engage in any further communication.
He is stringing you along because he likes the attention. He does not like or respect you enough to deserve any of your time.
Use your self respect and cut all ties with this man. At best he is weird. But I suspect it is much worse than that.

In the bin with this one!!

Big red flag

Have you met his family or did he tell you that he told about you to his family?
If the latter then I bet both his friends and family are on the same page that "Maisie, his gf from high school" is likely to get a ring on it.

He's ridiculous and a right twat! I think there's something a bit more to it tbh. This is not normal for a year long relationship. Dump him in anyway you like. A text will suffice.

Love it!

I know some amazing parents who started having children when one or both were in their 40s and were much better and calmer parents than a lot I knew who had them younger, so I disagree with this as a generalisation.

But I do agree in this particular instance this man is controlling, not marriage material and clearly doesn’t really want kids.