He says I can't meet his friends until I get a promotion??

[Burritowrap]

I have been seeing someone for around a year now. We are exclusive and see each other twice a week or so.
He has been on a beach trip with my friends but seemed awkward but got over the initial awkwardness.
He talks about marriage, moving in together and has told his family about me.

This weekend we went for a meal for their birthday. I had made a big fuss for their day, organising a cake, gifts and took them to a fancy restaurant. I thought he enjoyed it.

He then was talking about some party he is planning to hold, and i said how great it would be to finally meet his friends. He went all sketchy and said how he didnt want that to happen just yet. I asked him why and he couldnt really answer me. He told me he could possibly introduce me once I had a promotion at work so then he could show off my role. (We are both in the same profession).

He then went on during the night saying how I am very full on and he doesnt like it - he wants to wait five years for kids (I don't) and that I should be focusing on my career. He was complaining how I want to get married and he wants to wait. He was the one who bought it all up.

I am so hurt by all of these things. I thought we were on the same page and he just has made me feel terrible. I feel like why bring all of this up on his birthday night... Im not sure how to respond but havent spoken to him since as I am just so upset and done.

Ffs
loving not living

I was seeing someone for a year, we’re both older, so kids not a convo but it was serious/exclusive and supposedly heading in some kind of direction

then out of the blue (literally a month before our year together date) he drops into conversation that he’s off to a family wedding the following weekend. No mention of it at all the months HE’D clearly known about it.

then not long afterwards I was cooking something that he loved, larking about in the kitchen and said “tell me again why you’re with me..”

he replied ‘because it’s convenient’

that stung so much I couldn’t even do anything other than laugh it off.

i liked this guy! A LOT, and we were clear about this stuff.

in the days that followed, we’d got our year anniversary meal out booked, I did some thinking. I had to end it.

sure it was hard, but it was absolutely the right thing to do. I cried as I explained to him that his words meant only one thing, that we needed to break up, the exclusion from the wedding etc was another clear sign.

i knew that if i just settled for a bloke who wasn’t head over heels with me that I’d never feel loved, I’d
never have any self worth and after the shit I’d been through up to that point I deserved better.

i ended it as soon as we’d got back to my house after dinner. It was an amicable event, and I licked my own wounds afterwards

@Burritowrap for me this is exactly what I know you need to do.

you’re still at an age where you want a family etc etc, then the pressure is ON and you can’t afford to waste your time on a bloke like this.

the sooner you end this, the sooner you’ll be ready to find someone who adores you, who’s proud of who you are and wants to share it with the world.

never ever give up faith in yourself

my OH and I have been together 8 years in a couple of weeks. He adores me and is my biggest fan. We’re like 2 peas in a pod and support each other in everything we do.

he’s also a multimillionaire… so don’t short change yourself eh?

not a brag Honest, if lil ol me can find this level of happiness, you sure can too!

He has some strange priorities and strange ideas. You don't want to be with someone who thinks you are not enough. You sound a really together person doing very well in your career and ready to start thinking abut a family. You can make plans that are practical and financial in advance but until you have a baby you won't be able to factor in the emotional aspect. You may find you want to reduce your working hours to spend more time with your baby than initially planned. He sounds quite rigid in his thinking and you want a partner that has your back and will support you when you need to switch from plan A to plan B or plan C. It's not right that he is making you unhappy and worried about a future with him. Take these as signs to rethink this relationship.

I wonder if he doesn't have friends and is embarrassed about it?

If he’s not physically with you now, today @Burritowrap then just text him.

just say that your ending the relationship because of his behaviour and treatment of you. If you feel like it, add that you’re disappointed in how shallow he is and that you’re worth better than that.

Now BELIEVE IN THIS! You don’t need such a dementor in your life.

Yes. Absolutely this.

Definite dump either way. Also concerning that he thinks a nanny can raise your child.

My sister stayed for years with a man she had met through an online dating thing - both stated categorically they wanted marriage and children. Then 5 years in, by which time she was nearly 38, he told her he didn’t want kids after all.

Broke her heart. She has a lovely fiance now, 7 years later, but has to settle being a sort of step mum to his girls, who both now adults anyway.

Thanks for clarifying your role/plans OP. It was confusing. He's a walking red flag. You are worth much more. Dump in a way that makes this clear. Also, a text will surfice, given his appalling behaviour, whilst you were making an effort for his birthday. Doesn't want people to know his age 🤮Actually, that's a gift. Tell him he's too old and set in his ways for you.

To be honest, he sounds like an ex of mine. He used to say things and push stuff to see how far he could go and this was a constant in his life. As a narc, he ticked all the boxes bar none.

He used to bait me and bait me but...he had nothing else. That was his personality or what passed for one. Apart from this he was an 'empty'. No finer feelings at all. Just lived for what he could get from bouncing this shit off people.
I could cope most of the time. I left a few times but went back but when my Mum died, something changed in me and I 'saw' him and the bit of me that was attracted to him died entirely.

We were on and off over four years and lived together for six months (of hell) but I stopped going to see him and stopped with the dates, blocked and deleted and didn't respond to his two long letters. I was free.

I can see these types a mile off now though : )

Bin.

One of two things is happening here.

1. He’s married
2. He’s incredibly shallow

My bets are on no. 1

44?! Bloody hell I thought he was about 22.

I hope you have ditched him. Think back to when you could have realised this was a mistake sooner and take that forward for the future.

Goodbye little boy

seriously 😟

@Mumofnarnia sorry I must have missed your post, you’re spot on about safeguard leads - deputies are the leads in my DC schools too, they have been ever since my eldest first went to school back in 2013. My youngest has finally reached school age and it’s just the same even in our new local authority so I’m assuming it’s the same across all of the local authorities.

I wouldn’t even be on MN, I would be on the phone dumping the idiot
In fact, I wouldn’t even waste my breath, I would send the fucker a WhatsApp message

He wants to wait until he's 49 to have kids translates to he never wants to have kids. You're not on the same page. Don't waste any more time. This relationship isn't going where you thought it was.

44 and doesn't want people to know his age? Has he got a good head of hair? If you see him to tell him that's the end, make sure you give his hair a good tug. It'll come off in your hand, leaving him nearly bald.

Yes it seems to be the case that a lot of deputy heads are the safeguarding lead. Whether or not that is the case for the op, it is concerning that someone who most definitely will have had extensive safeguarding training due to their job is unable to spot the red flags when it comes to themselves.

The more I read through this thread the more suspicious it’s becoming. 44 and doesn’t want people to know his age?? Really? Or he lied to you about his age. It’s very common for men (especially on dating apps) to lie about their age and claim they are younger or older than they really are to try and attract the right age group they want.

Even more suspicious is that he doesn’t want you to meet his friends/ family unless you get a promotion. I am actually starting to think he’s married and lives a double life and that even if you got the promotion, he will again move the goal posts and make excuses why you can’t meet his friends and family. Either that or he is an extremely shallow narcissist that is driven by other people’s status.

Only one way to respond, dump him. You should have already met his friends long ago whether he wants to get married or not. He sounds like an awful person. You need to get a promotion? Wtf.

No need to be mean…

You’re being unreasonable for staying with him.

Yes sometimes is about listening to messages that are key for any future together.
As hurtful as it is now, you will be glad he disclosed his condional love for you.
Please don't ignore, or talk to him to try desperately to see things in a different way (maybe he didn't mean it that way etc..). It is what it is. Dump him. Don't look back.
You are worth to be loved for who you are.

He's absolutely negging! trying to create a situation where your currently not good enough for him, he gets extra negging points for doing this on a day when you've made a big effort for him.

Throw him back and block, I guarantee this man is going to try and reach you afterwards as he'll realise he's played his red flag to quickly.

He is to old to start a family with . No offence to anyone having kids in 40s . But he sounds miserable and controlling already . He isnt going to adapt to children at his age . And they do turn your life upside down .
Find someone nicer . Who treats you with respect.