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Original poster

He says I can't meet his friends until I get a promotion??

818 replies

Burritowrap · 26/08/2024 10:41

I have been seeing someone for around a year now. We are exclusive and see each other twice a week or so.
He has been on a beach trip with my friends but seemed awkward but got over the initial awkwardness.
He talks about marriage, moving in together and has told his family about me.

This weekend we went for a meal for their birthday. I had made a big fuss for their day, organising a cake, gifts and took them to a fancy restaurant. I thought he enjoyed it.

He then was talking about some party he is planning to hold, and i said how great it would be to finally meet his friends. He went all sketchy and said how he didnt want that to happen just yet. I asked him why and he couldnt really answer me. He told me he could possibly introduce me once I had a promotion at work so then he could show off my role. (We are both in the same profession).

He then went on during the night saying how I am very full on and he doesnt like it - he wants to wait five years for kids (I don't) and that I should be focusing on my career. He was complaining how I want to get married and he wants to wait. He was the one who bought it all up.

I am so hurt by all of these things. I thought we were on the same page and he just has made me feel terrible. I feel like why bring all of this up on his birthday night... Im not sure how to respond but havent spoken to him since as I am just so upset and done.

OP posts:
Illegally18 · 26/08/2024 13:49

Karmaisac4t · 26/08/2024 10:44

Duuuump him.

yes, duuump him, he's shown who he is

goody2shooz · 26/08/2024 13:51

@Burritowrap seriously - you’re a deputy head and you have to query your next move re this specimen? You can not be serious….

Wallywobbles · 26/08/2024 13:53

Id recommend a message along the lines of
"Sorry you're too old for me & my plans, so I don't want to string you along any longer. Hope you get everything you deserve in life."

Shinyandnew1 · 26/08/2024 13:53

Burritowrap · 26/08/2024 11:02

How should I dump him? In person?

This is silly, but I can’t imagine my deputy head asking this question-she must be a lot older than you 😂

bagpuss90 · 26/08/2024 13:53

He married

Miffylou · 26/08/2024 13:53

Get rid. He’s showing you his true colours. He won’t improve in the long run.

MounjaroUser · 26/08/2024 13:56

I can tell you this: there is no way this man is going to marry you or have children with you. He sees you twice a week. He doesn't let you meet his friends. I doubt very much you've met his family. He was uncomfortable meeting your friends.

Are you really sure he's not already married? Are you certain? Have you been to his permanent home, not a little flat somewhere?

Don't waste any more time with this man.

Topseyt123 · 26/08/2024 13:58

It all sounds extremely fishy to me.

I'd almost be willing to bet that you are not the only woman in his life, which would explain why he doesn't want you to meet his friends or family.

I'd send him the following message:

"Dear Wanker,

You are dumped. Bugger off now."

Then block him.

PSG · 26/08/2024 13:58

I doubt he has any friends.

AltitudeCheck · 26/08/2024 14:00

Promote yourself to single asap!

What a dick, if he isn't proud to tell his friends about you now or somehow thinks you aren't good enough as you are then he's either a dick or hiding something!

LozzaChops101 · 26/08/2024 14:01

BIN.

TheBossOfMe · 26/08/2024 14:03

I don’t think he’s single!

DPotter · 26/08/2024 14:04

Hang on - let me get this straight in my mind - your boyfriend of a year is holding a party and you're not invited ? That's just plain weird and actually nasty

  1. his family don't know about you
  2. his friends don't know about you
  3. he doesn't like your friends

You've sadly got enough red flags to deck the street with bunting. He's simply not that in to you. Yep - agree with everyone else - he's telling you who he is and how he feels about you (ashamed / embarrassed). The thing about promotion is a complete red herring - he was just grabbing at straws after realising he shouldn't have mentioned the party.

Time to drop him and start afresh.

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/08/2024 14:04

I am just speechless tbh.

It never ceases to amaze me how many intelligent, ambitious and all round high quality women put up with shit like this from men punching waaaaaaay above their weight.

MakeMeATea · 26/08/2024 14:05

You did something really thoughtful for him and he's pretty much just negged you, shown his true colours I think.
He doesn't want a serious relationship, you aren't on the same page, red flags are flying.
I would leave him and look for someone serious.

Skyrainlight · 26/08/2024 14:07

Burritowrap · 26/08/2024 11:48

Yes he is 44 now. Never had kids or married. I am younger, I am working on my career to be a Headteacher and I am a few years off.
Ideally I wanted to have kids before I get into headship, as I am currently deputy head and want to balance being with my family. He said I could just get a nanny to raise them and focus on my career. I felt like crying during the meal as I have made things very clear that I am looking for a partner that wants a family/marriage.

He is 44 now and he said he wants to wait 5 years to have a family. At 49? BS. He is stringing you along. I would exit stage right.

Mumofnarnia · 26/08/2024 14:07

Burritowrap · 26/08/2024 11:48

Yes he is 44 now. Never had kids or married. I am younger, I am working on my career to be a Headteacher and I am a few years off.
Ideally I wanted to have kids before I get into headship, as I am currently deputy head and want to balance being with my family. He said I could just get a nanny to raise them and focus on my career. I felt like crying during the meal as I have made things very clear that I am looking for a partner that wants a family/marriage.

I will warn you now op. Him saying you could just get a nanny to look after kids and focus on your career - well that tells me he wouldn’t be a good father and is most likely not interested in having kids so you will be forced to bring them up on your own. He seems extremely money oriented and obviously wants you to succeed in your career for status and possibly so he can sponge off you. I mean what job does he do to think you are beneath him???

Im always suspicious of men over 40 who have never married or had kids. There is usually a very good reason for it - usually because they can’t maintain a relationship and have been handed their arse by their ex partner!!!He has now shown his true colours and there’s your answer as to why he’s never had kids or got married.

Don’t get me wrong, not everyone wants kids or marriage but if that’s how he feels and you want kids then he isn’t compatible with you anyway.

Also, as a deputy head yourself, I would have thought that by now you would have had enough training on safeguarding to spot subtle signs of abuse, manipulation, emotional blackmail, emotional abuse and coercive behaviour.

trainboundfornowhere · 26/08/2024 14:07

As others have said bin him now. My DH never hid me or the fact that I got paid for working in a charity shop. I met his friends and family after six months of dating and he met mine too. He met my wider family after 8 months of dating as my cousin had a party to celebrate her 40th and the last people I met were his children. We had been seeing each other 14 months at that point and were talking about buying property together and getting married. There are so many red flags here, enough to make me think that if he isn’t married then you are not the only woman in his life otherwise why hide you as it is definitely not what your career despite what he says. He doesn’t want marriage and he doesn’t want children he is saying what he thinks you want to hear so he can keep seeing you. Dump his ass and look forward to your future free of him so you can find someone who really shares ideas and values with you.

Bournetilly · 26/08/2024 14:10

He sounds awful and it’s never going to work out, you both want different things. Just end it now.

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 26/08/2024 14:11

It's franky worrying that there are such shallow controlling narcissists like this in the teaching profession. They are supposed to be role models to children.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 26/08/2024 14:18

Agreed. He has all the hallmarks of a walking red flag

I bet you that if you waited 5 years then he'll find another excuse.

Either way something like

Hi X. Your comments re me needing to get a promotion were hurtful. If you can't feel proud of me for who I am now then that tells me everything I need to know. As you know, I am on track for a promotion but I no longer wish to meet your friends when that happens as I have decided I don't want to be in a relationship with you any more.
Best of luck

GustyFinknottle · 26/08/2024 14:20

OP, I haven't read the whole thread, but have read your responses. First of all, this doesn't sound like any healthy relationship I know. He seems to see things in purely transactional terms and doesn't seem to be emotionally involved.

Is he gay? Is he the kind of repressed gay men who'd get married to a woman because it might look good for his career? Are his friends mostly gay men and that's why you can't meet them, I wonder?

Is he ND, possibly autistic, and is this why he can't relate to you on an emotional level? Does he have friends at all or does he just 'do' activities with other people?

Whatever, this candidate for husband and father is a definite reject. If when you meet someone they have very compartmentalised lives and you're not allowed in to certain areas, run like the wind.

Babyworriesreal · 26/08/2024 14:21

This doesn't make sense. You are a deputy head, up for promotion, but you are also several years off your aim of being HT? Have you changed jobs for this thread, to protect your identity? Or is it made up?

betterangels · 26/08/2024 14:22

Babyworriesreal · 26/08/2024 14:21

This doesn't make sense. You are a deputy head, up for promotion, but you are also several years off your aim of being HT? Have you changed jobs for this thread, to protect your identity? Or is it made up?

Edited

It is confusing.

CoolDown · 26/08/2024 14:23

I agree it doesn’t add up. Are you saying that you have to be a headteacher to meet his friends? You implied he is a teacher too. In what role?

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