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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I can't meet his friends until I get a promotion??

818 replies

Burritowrap · 26/08/2024 10:41

I have been seeing someone for around a year now. We are exclusive and see each other twice a week or so.
He has been on a beach trip with my friends but seemed awkward but got over the initial awkwardness.
He talks about marriage, moving in together and has told his family about me.

This weekend we went for a meal for their birthday. I had made a big fuss for their day, organising a cake, gifts and took them to a fancy restaurant. I thought he enjoyed it.

He then was talking about some party he is planning to hold, and i said how great it would be to finally meet his friends. He went all sketchy and said how he didnt want that to happen just yet. I asked him why and he couldnt really answer me. He told me he could possibly introduce me once I had a promotion at work so then he could show off my role. (We are both in the same profession).

He then went on during the night saying how I am very full on and he doesnt like it - he wants to wait five years for kids (I don't) and that I should be focusing on my career. He was complaining how I want to get married and he wants to wait. He was the one who bought it all up.

I am so hurt by all of these things. I thought we were on the same page and he just has made me feel terrible. I feel like why bring all of this up on his birthday night... Im not sure how to respond but havent spoken to him since as I am just so upset and done.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 26/08/2024 12:23

mealienpleasehelp · 26/08/2024 12:11

I read this as he doesn't really have any friends and this was his way of pretending he does. Conveniently not inviting OP so she imagines he has friends.

Show quote history

He’s 44 and single and a man so there’s a high chance he doesn’t have friends. That’s not a dig just fact that men don’t tend to retain or nurture friendships in the same way women do (shared hobbies aside).

AlcoholicDad82 · 26/08/2024 12:24

Wtaf tell him to do one

Hatty65 · 26/08/2024 12:25

If you are a deputy head then you are intelligent enough - and SURELY mature enough - to not tolerate this kind of pathetic, infantile twaddle from a grown man.

Just end it. Or lose any form of self respect, quite frankly,

Lentilpasta · 26/08/2024 12:25

ShinyPebble32 · 26/08/2024 12:18

There are so many of these posts, near enough every day on mumsnet - with the poster saying ‘my DH/DP has done (insert breathtakingly controlling and arseholeish thing here) - AIBU?’ and I find them truly depressing as it shows just how many women there are with their self respect and standards on the floor.

This has got to be the worst one yet for me - you are a deputy headteacher, soon to be a headteacher, responsible for the wellbeing and development of scores of young girls - and you are really having to ask a load of strangers on the internet whether or not you are being unreasonable in this situation, and if this man is being reasonable? God help us all.

Edited

I know, it is very depressing. I seen another one a few months ago that shocked me too.

I can’t recall the exact details, but I remember being so flabbergasted that this apparently smart successful woman was posing such a question about her poor excuse of a partner on AIBU.

I don’t know if MN has an over representation of these kind of people or society has taken a step backwards with feminist values .

Blondiney · 26/08/2024 12:25

This man will never marry you.

StopStartStop · 26/08/2024 12:27

Ditch him, OP. He's not interested. You're Miss 'OK for now'.

Edit to add: And his group of 'work friends' includes someone who thinks s/he is his partner, and they all know.

S/he? Well, why would he introduce you to his family if you aren't his serious intention? What is he hiding?

DontCallAnyoneAnIdiotOrYouWillBeBannedAgain · 26/08/2024 12:29

He is letting you know who he is, and that you are not for him.

Grab your dignity and be gone

Lentilpasta · 26/08/2024 12:29

BunnyLake · 26/08/2024 12:23

He’s 44 and single and a man so there’s a high chance he doesn’t have friends. That’s not a dig just fact that men don’t tend to retain or nurture friendships in the same way women do (shared hobbies aside).

Show quote history

If that’s the case it’s still a massive red flag, not because he doesn’t have friends but because he should just be honest about it instead of lying about it at OPs expense.

My ex of a similar age told me from the outset he had no friends - well it turned out he had a couple to be fair but I think he meant people he saw or spoke to more often. There’s no reason to lie about it to your partner of one year.

Katbum · 26/08/2024 12:31

Sound as if there’s more to this than he’s letting on. Lots of deflection and weirdness. Don’t engage with the drama. Leave him.

TheAlchemy · 26/08/2024 12:31

Time to put this one back and get yourself a serious man i’m afraid.

when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

NImumconfused · 26/08/2024 12:35

Someone who thinks only being deputy head makes you not good enough to introduce to his friends is never going to give you the love and respect you deserve OP. If he loved you he'd have been showing you off to friends and family much sooner, celebrating your good qualities across the board, not waiting for you to achieve some arbitrary level of success that he seems appropriate.

He's stringing you along, he's not a good person to tie your life to. Tell him he's not good enough for you, and get the hell out of there.

autienotnaughty · 26/08/2024 12:36

He's not on the same page. And he doesn't think you are good enough to meet his friends. Definitely get rid.

BunnyLake · 26/08/2024 12:36

Lentilpasta · 26/08/2024 12:29

If that’s the case it’s still a massive red flag, not because he doesn’t have friends but because he should just be honest about it instead of lying about it at OPs expense.

My ex of a similar age told me from the outset he had no friends - well it turned out he had a couple to be fair but I think he meant people he saw or spoke to more often. There’s no reason to lie about it to your partner of one year.

Show quote history

Totally. I said upthread if that’s the reason it’s still a lie and he’s not being honest.

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 26/08/2024 12:37

Text him a quick, „I need someone younger and with more potential. Bye bye“

Matronic6 · 26/08/2024 12:38

He's 44 and he wants to wait about 5 years to have kids?

BunnyLake · 26/08/2024 12:38

Katbum · 26/08/2024 12:31

Sound as if there’s more to this than he’s letting on. Lots of deflection and weirdness. Don’t engage with the drama. Leave him.

Yes, a lot of stalling. If it’s not one thing it’s another. He’ll just keep finding things to stall on.

WearyAuldWumman · 26/08/2024 12:39

You know you need to dump him, don't you?

My uni boyfriend and I were still an item when we graduated. By then, I was a teacher. He was a trainee accountant.

With hindsight, I should have dumped him much sooner.

This is why I'm replying to your post: the first major red flag was when he told me that he didn't want to introduce me to one of his friends because he thought that his friend would disapprove of me because...

My dad was from a country which was then Communist. (No shit. Guess why he'd left?) I had a degree in Russian and his pal wouldn't approve cos Russia was a Communist country.

The funny thing is, we met in...wait for it....the Russian class. It's just that my boyfriend wasn't very good, had to do a re-sit in first year and was advised by the professor that doing a 2nd yr in Russian wasn't a very good idea. (In the end, he did a joint in English Lit and History.)

If you're not good enough to be introduced to his friends, then he's not good enough for you.

NImumconfused · 26/08/2024 12:39

Also, you said he's in the same profession? Did he make it to head teacher by the age you are now or is he holding you to higher standards than he can meet himself? Red flags all over the place, it's just an excuse to keep you at arm's length.

WearyAuldWumman · 26/08/2024 12:39

Matronic6 · 26/08/2024 12:38

He's 44 and he wants to wait about 5 years to have kids?

What?! I didn't pick up on that.

Run, OP, run!

Americano75 · 26/08/2024 12:40

I didn't even need to read the post, the headline was enough.

Dump him.

IVbumble · 26/08/2024 12:40

Every single day you remain 'with' him is another day away from your planned life of having kids.

WearyAuldWumman · 26/08/2024 12:40

NImumconfused · 26/08/2024 12:35

Someone who thinks only being deputy head makes you not good enough to introduce to his friends is never going to give you the love and respect you deserve OP. If he loved you he'd have been showing you off to friends and family much sooner, celebrating your good qualities across the board, not waiting for you to achieve some arbitrary level of success that he seems appropriate.

He's stringing you along, he's not a good person to tie your life to. Tell him he's not good enough for you, and get the hell out of there.

What?! OP is "only" a Depute Head? OP, tell him to get to...

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 26/08/2024 12:41

Saying that he wants you to get a promotion before you meet his friends so he can "show you off" is just a different way of saying that he would be embarrassed to introduce you to them now. Embarrassed. Of you. Good enough to shag for now though, aren't you.

If you grabbed the next man who walks past you, there's a good chance you would do better with him.

WearyAuldWumman · 26/08/2024 12:42

Burritowrap · 26/08/2024 11:20

The best thing is I am actually up for a promotion 😆😆😆

I hope you get it.

Still dump his ass, though.

daliesque · 26/08/2024 12:42

Many years ago I was with someone like that. We weren't in the same profession, in fact his was totally different. I wasn't allowed to meet his friends or even go to the same park he spent a lot of time at entertaining said friends. If we were meeting up I had to wait for him outside.
I wasn't allowed to meet his family.
He also never talked to me - whenever we were together he spent all his time talking to friends on the phone or showing off to people on the next table if we were out to lunch.
We basically wanted me around to fund his lifestyle and do his accounts for him.
I felt like shit for most of that relationship - which went on for far too long to be honest as my self esteem was at rock bottom.
I left the bastard.
Now a firm believer in if he doesn't introduce you to friends and family within a few months....walk away.