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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I can't meet his friends until I get a promotion??

818 replies

Burritowrap · 26/08/2024 10:41

I have been seeing someone for around a year now. We are exclusive and see each other twice a week or so.
He has been on a beach trip with my friends but seemed awkward but got over the initial awkwardness.
He talks about marriage, moving in together and has told his family about me.

This weekend we went for a meal for their birthday. I had made a big fuss for their day, organising a cake, gifts and took them to a fancy restaurant. I thought he enjoyed it.

He then was talking about some party he is planning to hold, and i said how great it would be to finally meet his friends. He went all sketchy and said how he didnt want that to happen just yet. I asked him why and he couldnt really answer me. He told me he could possibly introduce me once I had a promotion at work so then he could show off my role. (We are both in the same profession).

He then went on during the night saying how I am very full on and he doesnt like it - he wants to wait five years for kids (I don't) and that I should be focusing on my career. He was complaining how I want to get married and he wants to wait. He was the one who bought it all up.

I am so hurt by all of these things. I thought we were on the same page and he just has made me feel terrible. I feel like why bring all of this up on his birthday night... Im not sure how to respond but havent spoken to him since as I am just so upset and done.

OP posts:
RoseUnder · 26/08/2024 12:08

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/08/2024 12:06

44 !!!
how old are you ?

i thought from the way you wrote that you were both late teens / early 20's at most.

' This weekend we went for a meal for their birthday. I had made a big fuss for their day, organising a cake, gifts and took them to a fancy restaurant. I thought he enjoyed it. '

What was all this with the ' their ' and ' them ' surely you meant ' his ' and ' him '

and he wants to wait until he is almost 50 before he has children ?

i think this is a wind up

A lot of teachers are now obliged to use gender neutral pronouns in school every day so it can be a hard habit to shake off in personal correspondence

cakewench · 26/08/2024 12:08

Wow once you said his age I knew for sure: dump him.

44 and wants to wait another 5 years for children? Either he doesn't actually want children and he's just leaving that goalpost in the indefinite future for you, or he's a Peter Pan who never wants to grow up. Or both.

This coupled with the obvious red flag of not being able to meet his friends or family until you have a promotion (wtf??) tells me he's not invested here at all and you shouldn't be, either. Sorry.

coldcallerbaiter · 26/08/2024 12:09

Do you actually have 5 years to wait? If you are late 30s (idk how old you are) then you actually do not have that time to fritter.

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 26/08/2024 12:09

YABVVVU putting up with this. Tell him you’ve decided to upgrade your boyfriend instead. Then block.

oakleaffy · 26/08/2024 12:09

Run, and don’t look back.

He’s not proud of you as you are? ( Until promotion)

He’s not the right man for you.

BunnyLake · 26/08/2024 12:10

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/08/2024 12:06

44 !!!
how old are you ?

i thought from the way you wrote that you were both late teens / early 20's at most.

' This weekend we went for a meal for their birthday. I had made a big fuss for their day, organising a cake, gifts and took them to a fancy restaurant. I thought he enjoyed it. '

What was all this with the ' their ' and ' them ' surely you meant ' his ' and ' him '

and he wants to wait until he is almost 50 before he has children ?

i think this is a wind up

I couldn’t work that out either. Their and his being used alongside each other, it just seems an odd thing to do. It’s why I first read it as OP having met the parents at the birthday thing.

RoseUnder · 26/08/2024 12:11

I would suggest a conversation with him before you break up. You know, like adults. At least try to get some honesty.

If it is over it will help you in getting closure and moving on to your next relationship.

I don’t like this freezing out with a WhatsApp. Not very adult, or
human, frankly. We didn’t used to end relationships this way pre smart phones and we managed just fine.

Thiswayforward · 26/08/2024 12:11

Run - always watch their actions. His just showed you who he really is. I’m thinking he wants someone for show or he already has someone more serious.

VelvetButCold · 26/08/2024 12:11

Not worth bothering with, and he is coming up to 50. Get a better match for yourself

mealienpleasehelp · 26/08/2024 12:11

MounjaroUser · 26/08/2024 11:33

He then was talking about some party he is planning to hold

I've just realised - he was going to have a party but not invite you?

I read this as he doesn't really have any friends and this was his way of pretending he does. Conveniently not inviting OP so she imagines he has friends.

OtterMouse · 26/08/2024 12:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Lentilpasta · 26/08/2024 12:12

You respond by calling it a day. This will never work.

I agree, this sums it up. He probably doesn’t really want kids at all let alone with you IMO and he’s stringing you along.

That aside, the whole not meeting his friends until you get a promotion is bonkers. He should be proud of you as you are now, and if he isn’t he shouldn’t be with you.

If he wants something to “brag” about can’t he brag about how kind and funny and smart you are? Why does he have to wait until you’ve reached a certain level in your career before that? If he’s not excited about you now he never will be.

You said you’re younger than him? How much younger? I’m assuming you’re no more than 35?

I feel one reason why men of a certain age go for much younger women is so they feel they can continue to dither and delay instead of taking the relationship forward at a steady pace.

He sounds massively avoidant and also somewhat controlling and he may be hiding something like another partner. Either way it doesn’t seem as if there’s a future for you two. Time to cut your losses and move on.

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 26/08/2024 12:12

He went all sketchy and said how he didnt want that to happen just yet. I asked him why and he couldnt really answer me.

He couldn't answer directly because the reason is going to hurt you.

He told me he could possibly introduce me once I had a promotion at work so then he could show off my role. (We are both in the same profession).

So essentially you are not good enough to meet his friends...

He then went on during the night saying how I am very full on and he doesnt like it

And he wants to change you.....

he wants to wait five years for kids (I don't) and that I should be focusing on my career.

He isn't committed or wants different things.............or wants to wait to see if you will fit into his mould for a partner that is good enough to go public with....

He was complaining how I want to get married and he wants to wait.

Again not committed, or doesn't think you are good enough........yet. Or maybe you will do until someone who is not "full on" or better comes along that he will want to marry/have kids with

I am so hurt by all of these things.

Not bloody surprised. Depending on your age, be careful you don't waste your fertile years hanging about trying to meet up to his expectations. You might never achieve it (and more importantly shouldn't want too!)

You deserve so much better.

pinkfleece · 26/08/2024 12:13

I hope you've dumped him by now....

oakleaffy · 26/08/2024 12:13

He’s 44?

I was imagining a man of late twenties!

Captnip500 · 26/08/2024 12:13

Op please dump him. I would be almost certain that he has another partner or at least something else to hide. Him refusing to introduce you to anymore in his life, weirdness around secret birthdays, now doing a u turn on future plans? His is lying to you. He is as sketchy as hell.

Oopstoo · 26/08/2024 12:15

I think he’s told you what he wants - listen to him. This relationship is unfort not suitable as you don’t have the same life plan. He sounds a bit of a dick to be honest! Lucky escape I think. Stay strong.

oakleaffy · 26/08/2024 12:15

@Captnip500
Yes, at 44 could well be hiding a past wife/ family.
especially as only seeing each other twice a week.

theDudesmummy · 26/08/2024 12:15

What a prick. Sad to hear he is actually a teacher. What a role model for young people. Not.

BunnyLake · 26/08/2024 12:16

Whatever it is he is hiding something. Whether it’s something relatively minor (no or not many friends) or something big (a wife/gf) he’s not being honest with you and that in itself is enough to finish.

I’d probably tell him rather than text because you might get some honesty (but only vis a vis if you know you won’t buckle and go back).

MangshorJhol · 26/08/2024 12:17

I am glad you are going to dump him.
He is going to string you along till your biological clock runs out and then go somewhere else.
It is not impossible to have a career and babies. That requires hugely supportive partner who sees themselves as an equal
parent and doesn’t seem daily ‘lists.’ He’s checked out even BEFORE you have conceived. He’s not going to get better.

ShinyPebble32 · 26/08/2024 12:18

There are so many of these posts, near enough every day on mumsnet - with the poster saying ‘my DH/DP has done (insert breathtakingly controlling and arseholeish thing here) - AIBU?’ and I find them truly depressing as it shows just how many women there are with their self respect and standards on the floor.

This has got to be the worst one yet for me - you are a deputy headteacher, soon to be a headteacher, responsible for the wellbeing and development of scores of young girls - and you are really having to ask a load of strangers on the internet whether or not you are being unreasonable in this situation, and if this man is being reasonable? God help us all.

provemewrongthen · 26/08/2024 12:19

He's ashamed of you and you deserve better.

Find someone who wants what you want.

Good luck.

Viviennemary · 26/08/2024 12:20

There is no hope for a happy relationship with this totally ghastly man. Get out now.

Lentilpasta · 26/08/2024 12:21

He talks about marriage, moving in together and has told his family about me.

btw this is called future faking OP, look it up if you’re not familiar with the term.

I don’t think he is seriously planning any of this for the future. Not with you anyway. That’s why he’s set it in some date in the distant future.

Unless you were both in your 20s or at least early 30s, there’s no real reason for someone to say they want to wait 5 years for kids (unless that’s what both parties want) and he’s now turning it on you by saying you’re “full on”.

You may not have picked up on it because you’re younger than him but he sounds very immature for his age.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with not wanting kids or even marriage. It’s actually a good thing - I wish more people would realise it’s not for them actually and reject societal pressure etc looking at the amount of dysfunctional marriages, unhappy households and poor parenting going on, but the issue is he isn’t being upfront and honest about it.

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