To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

If your DH has a job that involves working away or long commutes then did accepting the job involve working out HOW he would contribute to the household given his absence? Many ways to do this:

• monetarily. Pays to outsource your jobs.
• comes back from long commute and gets stuck in
• comes back from abroad and does EVERYTHING so you get a full 2-3 weeks off a year. And I mean everything. Without you needing to do a month’s preparation.
• or maybe all three

Because all women with long commutes also miraculously manage to parent and do housework. And I know VERY few women who would take a job abroad leaving their young kids with their spouses without having carefully worked out childcare etc.

Is there a nursery attached to your school - if so how about your 3 yrs old attending there every day using their 30 hrs , then I would use your 15 hrs for your 1 yrs old for 4 days a week , which would give you 1 day a week at home without children to try and get the other teaching bits that you need to do for the following week.

Here’s the equation this adds up to:
Person A works long hours and has two kids at home. Small kids. Hard work at the moment.
Person B works less hours and earns less and has more “down time”. Theoretically. Has the exact same two kids at home.
Guess which person is more burned out and stressed? Person B!
You and your husband share one thing in common- your kids. Irrespective of how much you earn (which is the argument given for being a SAHM that parenting isn’t about money), your parenting responsibility towards both of them is the same. That includes the mental load- how does one potty train, how does one wean the baby, are we running out of toothpaste, who is going to buy the present for the birthday party? How many dads know the shoe sizes of their kids- and why not?
If you are burned out the solution is for both of you to sit down and work out what to do without sacrificing your career. If sacrificing his career is off the table then so is yours. Then start from there and see what can improve.

I think we’re in a similar position (PT teaching) but I’m a year behind. We definitely can’t afford for my husband to work less, but he is able to do nursery drop off, is yours? (Mine originally said he couldn’t, but he’s made it work!!) I then go in super early before baby is up. I arrive at work at 7, so I do lots of prep then. I also had to get out of the habit of chatting and volunteering - don’t put yourself forward for anything extra!

my husband also makes it home for bath time (630) in the past he would be in at 7:730, but again, he’s had to prioritise and make sure he’s there to help! We do bath/ bed together and I cook while he does a bit of work. I’m not sure it will be this simple for a while when I go back to work after number 2! However, I then Do a bit of work if necessary from 8-bed time. Fortunately I tend to manage to fit work into my working days. However, I do have 1 afternoon per week when daughter is in nursery and I’m home, so I can catch up if necessary. Usually I just fit in lifemin! I also outsource all cleaning/ironing/DIY.

im most worried about when my kids go to school. At the moment daughter is in nursery 8-5, but I hate the idea of her being in aftercare! There is no way I’d be able to do a regular school pick up and we have no regular family support. I’m considering looking to leave teaching in 2/3 years when she starts school.

is an after school nanny or an au pair an option? I’ve made sure to keep a room free in case I need an au pair.

I love teaching and don’t want to leave but I know it’s possible I might need to!

I can guarantee that there will be women who do the exact same job who are also parents and will be doing more than OP’s DH.

I think a lot of people think they can’t make adjustments, till they have to!

I used to leave work at 530/6 and felt rushed, these days I’m out by 4.15! My husband THOUGHT he couldn’t cope without being in work for 8. But he now has to do nursery drop, so isn’t in til 9… works fine and he’s still good at his job. Not all jobs are flexible, I know, his was more flexible than he thought. He
hasn't asked anyone, he just changed his work pattern.

OP I'm not a teacher but I did go to school and I suspect teachers often feel just like the kids do at the end of the summer holidays. It might not be as bad as you think once you are there. Is this you returning from maternity leave? That is tough I remember lying on the bed sobbing the night before I went back to work.

Try not to panic, it does get easier and if you have a 1 year old or a 3 year old that doesn't settle easily at night it is a nightmare. One of mine was a real livewire and just didn't need much sleep and it is tough because a bit of time to unwind before bed is so important. It is all a distant memory to me now but it was hard at the time.

I hope you have a good week this week and feel more ready for term starting and that it all goes well. If it doesn't well you will have to cross that bridge when you come to it, you are an intelligent well educated woman and you will work it out, take it from someone who has been there 4 times and lived to tell the tale.

Good luck.

How amazing. You don't know what he does, you don't know if any women with children are doing the exact same job, you don't know how much women with the exact same job are doing and you don't even know what the OPs husband does at home. In fact you don't know anywhere near enough to guarantee anything but I think I can guarantee that you and other posters like you are making the OP feel worse. Well done you.

But the other two options are that OP stops working all together an they lose her entire income and any pension contributions and career progression/pay rises or she runs herself into the ground trying to do too much whilst her husband just has to go to work, come home, eat, sleep and repeat. Neither of those options are advantageous for the OP. They can't afford to not help each other but her husband won't do it because his job is so very important and his wife and children aren't.

The third option is to get a different job. A "leave it at the door" PT job. The revelation that OP is on teaching makes so much sense. There are more work life balance friendly jobs out there.

And of course they should help each other, but not in a way that jeopardises the merger income, unless they're comfortable with that.

I'll never get how people decide to have 1 kid, then another without working out the logistics of it. In many cases like this, the male partner carries on with life as if he doesn't have extra responsibilities. It's a simple practical issue.

The practical, logical, fair thing is that you and your husband need to re-evaluate what you both get to do. If the agreement is that he only works and you only mind the home, then you stay home. Perhaps, start something that you can easily do from home just to have extra money or he provides the financial means for you to stay home and save some for yourself.

If that isn't possible and the agreement is that you'll be working and taking care of home too, then he either needs to be working and taking care of home as well or helping to make it easier for you to work and take care of home. So paying for outside help.

Currently, it seems like it's all on you trying to figure life out but this conversation needs to be had with your husband, not strangers on the internet since only you both know your family, income, spending, dynamics, agreement, expectations, etc.

ah, teaching ! The professional level career that expects many unpaid additional hours in order to actually do the basics of the job, but pays like something 9-5.

All the teachers I know only survived the preschool years of parenting by a) having a partner who was the main caregiver, not them or b) paying for an additional day childcare than they needed.

if you work 3 days a week, you need childcare for 4. You need a day to get everything done and to recover. Is that achievable as a family for your finances?

What's your husbands response to you saying that you feel overwhelmed? Does he have any suggestions?

You're struggling because you're husband is slacking and you're covering his share of the labour as well as your own.

Don't stop working when you have a husband like this, you'll be too vulnerable.

Mine too. Now it’s me doing that.

OP hasn’t suggested that he is away though.

How old are you children? I found I was completely overwhelmed but then fine when got into rhythm of it and easier every year they get older.

I feel for you OP. It's tough facing up to the teacher grind and long, relentless hours that will start soon.

Op I've just read your update. It'll get easier!! Forget the housework (well lower the house standards just for a few months - it doesn't matter). Prioritise sleep and food. You'll get into the swing of it x x

Ok one thing at a time. You need to crack the sleep and settling.

Sleep train.
Dummy or comforter for the wee one if required.
Solid routine. Bath, story, bed.
Get a tonie box and a selection of night stories. Turn it on only when they are laid down.
Kiss night night and walk out.
Automatic Pulsating red light white noise machine for night wakings.

After that maybe it’s not possible to keep your role. That’s entirely your decision. But the sleep issue is major and you can resolve it. If you don’t tackle it - it will only get worse!

Sorry to hear that.
Teaching is only suitable for single, childfree people with no commitments. Teaching is the last job and it eats teachers alive.

The reason the OP is burned out is exactly this. Are your kids sleeping badly? Solve it. Here are 5 ways to do so. I have a better idea. Tell your husband that between now and school starting he has one job only. Solve the sleep issue. He can look up MN tips, read books, use whatever is in his manly arsenal. He has to get the two kids into a decent sleep routine in say the next 10 days. That is all.

This is why women are burned out. Because when there is a problem that should affect the family (kids are picky eaters, temper tantrums at 2, poor sleeping, rebellious teens) we assume that it is the mother’s job to resolve it.
That is one more thing on an already very very heavy plate. The OP AND her husband can solve the poor sleeping. The husband can even step in and solve it. Even if the OP does the majority of the bedtimes once the sleep is back on track. Just taking that one thing off the OP’s sleep deprived plate- let me solve this thing WITH you will make a world of difference.

I work full time and earn above average while DH is a high earner. Kids are now 4 and 7 but when I started working after a break they were 22 months and 5 years. It is very hard and I suggest a cleaner and also a nanny or if you have family who can help with childcare to give yourself a break even better.

My DH is not as helpful as he could be as by his own admission he is lazy with regards house work. But he does work long hours and does an extremely stressful job. I also work full time and earn above average but we are not in the same league pay wise. I also lost out career wise as I took out time to start a family and also when my kids were small. But if you are working 3 days a week with good planning and some delegating/out sourcing you can definitely do it! If you leave you career completely for a few years I find it is harder to get back and can take years to get back to the lost time in terms of pay, career progression etc. So my advice is keep going and try to delegate some stuff to DH which is realistically possible for him to do. And rest to paid help. Good luck.

I earn more than £97k as does DH. We’ve managed to parent our children without losing our jobs.

Cannot stand this ‘DH big job’ bollocks.

Go self employed. You'll earn more money than you're doing now PT at hours to suit you. Plus no childcare costs. It's a no brainer.

It's tough, I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old and work full time as does my husband. Evening routine usually is, get home at 6, play for an hour, kids to bed between 7 and 8. 8-9, cook and eat with husband. 9-10 or 11 work, then bed. Things I've found help are to make sure I use all available time. I do personal admin on my commute or cycle so I'm utilising the time for exercise. I get up at 5.30 to have 30 mins to myself to have a coffee, write to do lists and have some time to myself before kids get up at 6. I take a holiday day every couple of months to sort my life out, deep clean, sort out Christmas etc, might not work with teaching but maybe you could get one day childcare early in each holiday to do that. It's tough but I feel like I have a full and fun life. Am looking forward to not having multiple night feeds though.

My mother was a secondary teacher for over 30 years. 🤷🏻‍♀️

She had 2 weeks mat leave with me and 3 months with my sibling.

She completed a Master’s while working full time with a 5 year old and a 2 year old.

This was possible because she married a man who took his parenting responsibilities seriously.

Dad did the school pick ups. Dad cooked dinner, washed the clothes and ironed the uniforms. He did the food shopping and the DIY, car maintenance and some pretty major building work in the house whilst also working full time.

I don’t think they had super human powers, but maybe they did.