To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

I imagine that’s because OP will know full well that there will likely be some mothers on here who have the same job as DH yet manage to do more at home.

Men need to start taking more responsibility and women need to stop enabling them.

What does a typical working day look like for you? The routine you do?

Tbf if you're thinking alone that you would be better off giving up work because you're doing too much and have no support (your words not mine? It does sound like a crap marriage.

At what point did your Husband check out of family life and pulling his weight?

You could have fortnightly cleaning from an agency. They pride themselves on high quality work, it really is excellent, their reputation depends on it, and you can stop it at any time you want without having built up. a relationship with a cleaner.

I haven't read all the posts on this very long thread but I did read all yours earlier.t an Part time teachers do find their work extremely stressful and often do more hours than contracted. Getting a good work/life balance is difficult in teaching. I honestly believe it would be a good idea to think of doing something else and finding a three day a week job that is less stressful and you enjoy. You could go to a recruitment consultant and discuss options. You obviously have some good qualifications and something else will open up for you. Do think about it.

As for you doing all the bath and bedtime routine for your children, your husband really does need to step up and take it in turns with you. I don't know how old your children are (if you have said, I apologise for missing that), but sometimes they don't need to get ready for bed that early. Be a bit more casual and relaxed about it, it doesn't have to be a big routine.

I wish you all the very best for your future career, which you will have!

I have been in your shoes.

The one piece of advice I read (too late!) was to look long term. You need to be earning and building your career and pension long after your children have left home. Though it feels insurmountable when you’re mired in sleep deprivation, childcare costs, the September dread (amplified after ML) and doing it all alone, it is just for a few years.

I gave up teaching when my children were small (husband worked away, high childcare costs, high demand at work and issues around working hours). I did get back into a job after a few years, but when you’re starting from scratch again in a new school it’s harder to get suitable hours and an appropriate salary.

I agree with PPs encouraging you to persevere, especially as you have a PT post. Pay for the childcare you need- take the financial hit now to secure your long term future. Sort bedtime routines. Get your husband to weekend childcare to give you time to do schoolwork.

This phase will pass. Don’t give up your future to it.

Well, you are wrong about that, although there are fathers of course.

I sort of wish I hadn’t started the thread to be honest 😂

Things will sort themselves out; they have to. Just worried as if I mess up schools aren’t forgiving places.

Seriously, often, they (men AND women) just CAN'T. It would mean leaving the role together, and some are actually very valuable to society you know. Surely you can realise that with some jobs the hours are COMPLETELY irregular, the work goes on till the job is finished,there is no option to be part time, it is exempt from the working time directive, travel across the country may be required at a moment's notice and it may mean a couple of days away......etc etc. These jobs do exist, you know. It doesn't mean to say they are in the private sector so come with a huge salary to pay for a nanny either. The divorce rate is high for the role my DH held for many years and there aren't many women in the role as most want children and well, it really wouldn't work unless you had a FT nanny and were prepared to see little of your child. DH was warned about the high divorce rate when he first applied, and there was a really strict application process which actually mentioned that fact, and the strain on family life was discussed at interview, so we had to really think carefully about whether he was doing the right thing, and how we would manage childcare when we had children. He had that type of role for many years and there is no way on God's earth that I would have been able to do a teaching role, or even work FT. So instead we decided together, weighing up earning potential and family income, that the solution was for me to be the main carer. I was a SAHP for 3 years, as was affordable back then but it isn't now so god knows how families manage who have someone in that kind of role.

I hate how the cost of living (housing, mainly, let's face it) has restricted choice for many families. Why building societies were given free reign to hand out sky high mortgages I'll never know. When we bought our first flatin the late 90s the guideline for the amount lenders would let you have were 3 times a single person's salary or 2.5 times a joint one, or somthing like that. There should have been strict maximums on mortgages, according to income, and ability to pay the monthly cost on just one income if need be. People overstretched themselves and prices have spiralled ever since and there's no contingency plan for many families if someone gets ill, or they have a child with needs etc.

What role was it @CurlyhairedAssassin?

I'm not going to say specifically but it was very broadly in the area of law enforcement. It's not a role you'd want to have (or be able to do well) going into retirement so he had to make a plan for what he'd do once out of his 40s so gradually switched over to something still in that broad area but less full on in some ways. So then I increased my working hours and responsibility accordingly. We worked as a team. It was nothing to do with "the man's big job" - some people on here don't have much imagination when it comes to thinking about what a "demanding role" can actually entail. They just think it's some corporate bullshit bingo type of job or something.

After giving most of his working life over to a valuable public sector role and feeling he'd "done his bit", he was headhunted by the private sector and now works for a very large company and is paid much much more and with terms and conditions that he could only have dreamed of in the public sector. Occasionally he feels guilty about this as he knows such demanding public sector roles are really needed, and he was really good at it and very dedicated. But they don't mean an easy family life at all especially these days.

Thank you @CurlyhairedAssassin, that's interesting.
I know it comes up often on the divorce boards when one party does absolutely sacrifice their career for their spouse, and it is unanimously shouted down that they didn't have to, whereas of course sometimes they do.

I think that is fair point about police jobs etc., very demanding in terms of work life balance and not particularly well paid. But I don’t get the impression this is what’s going on here.

And you’re right OP, schools are unforgiving places and demanding, if you can cope with that part there’s obviously the holidays bonus which is valuable as your kids get older: but I would make a plan to get out of teaching unless you love it.

The thing is @User364837 no one has an impression because I explained it falls on me as DH works full time and straightaway I got shouted down!

The fact is like it or loathe it we need DHs job and we need it more than mine. Whether that’s fair or not is by the by; it’s how things are.

Well, OP hasn't actually said what her DH does. Maybe she can't. It's hard to get an impression about people's lives when they give basic details on a board like this, and people bring a lot of supposition based off their own life experience, which is obviously very different to that of the OP. I'm sure there ARE "big job" useless type of dads who deliberately late at the office instead of going home to help with the bedtime routine, but there are many fantastic dads who really do need to stay there till the job is done, yet still manage to walk in the door and get stuck in straight away with whatever needs doing at home.

Intrigued as to what role a man can have but a woman couldn’t.

sperm donor?

if you can’t/wont say what he does, ban you describe his working pattern, at least?

I do understand his job is more needed than yours, I get that. I think it’s just worth thinking about all options (I’m sure you already have), as you gear up to go back to work in a school again and are worried about it being overwhelming. And all options would include, can DH do anything he’s not already doing with bedtimes/weekends/working hours to relieve some pressure on you; can you buy in any help to relieve pressure on you; or can you change to a different type of job yourself to relieve pressure on you. Personally giving up work completely would be a last resort but everyone’s different and some people aspire to do that for a few years.

those are basically your options
and I promise it will get easier as they get older
I hated the “double shift” days of full on work (public sector caring profession), collecting 3 kids from childcare and straight into bedtime routine which was mostly a nightmare (2 out of 3 dc subsequently diagnosed with autism).

but now it’s a bit of a distant memory as they’re 9-16 and I’m glad I limped on with work although did change careers

(And exh did have a very important very well paid job and everything was left to me, hence the dh factor touching a bit of a nerve)

I was thinking the same.

Even in male dominated roles, it isn’t usually 100% men with no women who work in the role at all. Not nowadays.

@itfeelsstupid

Did/does he want you to go back to work? If yes, why isn't he willing to facilitate this in some way by actively finding or asking about tasks (even small ones) that could lighten your daily load. I'm not saying it should be 50/50 since he works more hours, but don't you think he should be doing a proportional share of the home 'duties'? Or be willing to pay for extra help for the household because paying for extra help benefits everyone, not just you. If he didn't want you to return to work, then you know exactly why he isn't helping and isn't going to.

Just because someone has a high earning job with long hours doesn't mean they don't need to actively participate in parenting. There are plenty of things he could do to help you. When my DH worked out of town half the week when he got home he jumped right in with household 'duties' so I could step back a bit whilst he was home. When he worked a swing shift he did his 'chores' either when he got home or when he woke up. We both worked full time, parenting and running our home was both our jobs, not just mine. It has nothing to do with how much someone earns. It has to do with how much they value their partner and their homelife.

Too often we think because someone (read 'man') works long hours/earns big bucks it exempts them from being a real parenting partner. Do you think it would exempt you if you were the higher earner? I bet not.

Ask yourself this; If you 'fell off the face of the earth' tomorrow, what would your DH do in order to keep/facilitate his job? Once you've answered that question ask yourself this; If he'd do it for himself, why won't he do it for you?

Yes, do it. Stay home. I posted before here, if you have a decent marriage. I was home for many years. My husband paid for all. Since restarting work I saved quite a bit and is coming now very handy because with col he is a bit short, so I can pay for more extras which are quite essential tbh....not just holidays etc. We balance it always so no one is short changed

Why don't you just explain why your H's job is so a) all-fired important, b) inflexible? If he was the lynchpin of our national security services with a unique and brilliant mind or something... he'd be paid more.

OP ignore the shit advice - if you can afford to lose your wage completely as a family, then you can afford an extra days childcare so you can catch up on admin, school work and possibly sleep.

while your dh works long hours, can he take on more of the evening shift when he is home? Say Friday and Saturday nights he makes sure you get a full nights sleep so at least you are refreshed for the week.

remember this bit isn’t forever. One more year and your eldest will be starting school and your youngest hopefully will have a more set sleep schedule.

Talk to him and see how you can work as a team to get through this year.

Our national security services don't consist of just one main person. There are plenty of "normal" people working more junior roles but which still have a major effect on family life.

I wasn't aware full time exempts you from childcare, housework and general family life.

What happens if two adults work full time? With no external support?

If that is in fact the scenario, OP can save us a lot of time by sharing the bare bones immovables that she's working with without being at all outing.

(And of course I know the security services depend on many, many people doing all kinds of jobs: that was the point.)

Tbh I don't really accept there is any job where you can't do a share of parenting and housework.

I guess if you're working away for long periods you'd not be available sometimes.

If he lived alone would he be unable to feed himself and wash his clothes? If something happened to you, would he be forced to surrender care of your dc to the state? Or, would he have to muddle through, maybe get less sleep or concentrate less on his job?

The reality is that he doesn't earn enough to support the family solo, so he needs to share both financial and caring responsibilities with his partner. I can't see how anything else is acceptable.